Breaking free from intergenerational codependency is never easy.
Dr. Sharon Martin, a psychotherapist who specializes in helping adults raised in dysfunctional families, recently shared 12 ways to empower young people and prevent further generations of trauma.
12 ways to raise young people to prevent codependency
1. Encourage self-discovery.
As children grow, they naturally become interested in their surroundings. They begin to explore and crave a sense of independence and control over their surroundings.
Encourage your child to find new friends and participate in activities. If they are in college, encourage them to join a club or go to a meeting.
Support them during these stages, but don't interfere too much. They need space to figure out what their likes and dislikes are. And what do they really want?
2. Set age-appropriate expectations and foster independence.
Speaking of independence, your expectations may conflict with the young person's independence.
Clinical psychologist Eileen Kennedy Moore says, “A useful guideline is that a reasonable expectation for a particular child is what that child currently does most of the time, or a little more than that.'' It is,” he wrote.
This does not mean that progress should not be encouraged. This means you need to be wary of unrealistic expectations.
For example, until your child's brain is fully developed, they may struggle with planning and problem solving. Help them during these processes, but never coddle them. Let them contact you when they need help.
3. Teach healthy boundaries and respect privacy.
As young adults learn to respect boundaries, they become increasingly aware of those around them. You can build empathy by developing better understanding and compassion.
Prepare for the inevitable. If a colleague or professor doesn't respect your boundaries, allow them to vent to you. Discuss the situation and allow them to resolve it themselves.
4. Acknowledge their feelings.
Feeling misunderstood by parents can be frustrating for young adults. But as a parent, it's your job to get them halfway. Remember that a person's brain does not fully develop until he is 25 years old. Therefore, they may still struggle with their emotions and impulses.
They need time to understand their emotions. So help them understand that this is okay and that their feelings are normal and should be felt.
5. Teach coping skills.
Coping skills help young adult children manage their emotions during difficult times.
Rosa Klein Baer of the Child Mind Institute suggests modeling healthy coping strategies such as:
- Continue your walk.
- write in diary
- listen to music
- practice positive self-talk
She also recommends being open about your emotions, even if they're negative.
“If you only show your child the happy, relaxed side of yourself, your child may receive the message that difficult emotions are something to be ashamed of or to avoid,” says Klein Baer.
6. Work on codependent recovery.
Remember that healing from codependency starts with us. Our children observe our behavior and pick up both our good and bad habits. And if we want to break intergenerational codependency, we need to recognize our codependent behaviors.
Set healthy boundaries in your relationships and be aware of your attachment style. Always communicate respectfully with those around you and spend time alone.
7. Lovingly detach if necessary.
Your young adult may have a hard time letting go of codependent behaviors. And as parents, sometimes the best thing you can do is to detach in a loving way.
Expressing the importance of independence, we allow children to experience living on their own and provide support as needed. Set goals together and find ways to become more independent.
8. Take responsibility for your parenting mistakes.
It's normal to make mistakes from time to time, but it can be awkward to admit your mistakes to your child.
However, when admitting your mistakes, you need to remember two things:
- Your young adult will respect you more for that.
- Your young adult will likely model this behavior in their relationships.
It may be difficult, but your young person will appreciate your honesty.
9. Make your self-care a priority and encourage your children to do the same.
Knowing how important self-care is, how can we model it to young adults?
Every parent PBC tells us to let our kids see and experience our self-care routines. Let them see you wearing a face mask and get them involved. Practice positive self-talk and express your boundaries when things feel overwhelming.
10. Model healthy relationships.
My mother raised me emphasizing the importance of relationships. She told me, “Be careful who you marry because your children will pick up on your partner's behavior.''
According to CHI St. Alexius Health, “Children are like sponges, and they will likely model our behavior later in life.”
Naturally, modeling this behavior begins with our own relationships.
11. Don't avoid conflict.
The urge to avoid conflict is a common experience for most people. But when the going gets tough, the tough starts. Building a healthy relationship with a young adult requires weathering the storm.
During a conflict, make sure you both have enough head space to have a respectful conversation. Express your concerns and encourage them to do the same. And let's come up with a fair solution together.
When things get heated, take a breather.
12. Make it a habit to ask for help.
Growing up, I hated asking for help and was often scolded for being too independent.
But as I grew older, I came to understand why it was important to ask for help. Constantly doing things by yourself can lead to burnout and stress.
Independence is a great measure of success, but too much of it can have a negative impact on your mental health.
So ask your child for help with housework, and help out when you're busy. If they are going to college, ask them what they will need. Help them choose things and get involved.
By adopting these methods, we can break down intergenerational codependency and set young people up for success.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a BA in Psychology who covers topics of personal development, relationships, career, and family.
