How do children learn “right” from “wrong”?
Parents' short-term goals are often focused on getting their children to listen to them and follow the rules and limits they set for the family. But the long-term goal is to raise children who truly understand these rules and restrictions and who develop an inner drive to be kind and do the “right” thing. Parents want their children to follow rules, not just because they're afraid of getting into trouble, but because they value being kind and moral people.In research, this is called Internalization. How can we make sure we are working towards this long-term goal? Is it possible that our short-term discipline strategies are holding us back from this long-term goal?
A recent study addressed this question. Researchers found that when parents used certain discipline strategies, they were more likely to have children who showed early signs of rule internalization than parents who used different strategies.
What strategies helped children internalize the rules?
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A logical outcome rather than a light punishment. Logical consequences include taking away a toy a child has thrown at a sibling, ending mealtime because the child is playing with food, having the child clean up the mess he or she made, or leaving the room. It is an outcome related to action. When you don't follow the rules, it's a playground. These types of consequences are more likely to hold children accountable for the problems they cause and help them understand the importance of breaking rules.
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Instead of “controlling” child-rearing, we practice child-rearing that “supports independence.” Autonomy-supportive parenting involves recognizing children's feelings about rules and limits, giving them some choice and involvement in decisions about rules and limits, and providing the rationale behind the rules and limits. It is included. Controlling parenting often includes threats and punishments to get children to behave or to try to induce feelings of guilt or fear. Parenting that supports autonomy can help children internalize rules, but controlling parenting can lead to children acting in ways that please their parents or avoiding getting into trouble. It will be expensive.
How does internalization occur?
This study, along with previous research, shows that when children feel less anger and more empathy for their parents' rule-setting, they are more likely to find those rules and restrictions acceptable. discovered. Research shows that the more children accept rules and restrictions, the more likely they are to understand and internalize the values underlying those rules and restrictions. Research also suggests that anger at a parent's discipline strategy may hinder internalization because it causes the child to think about how unfair the discipline is rather than the values the parent is trying to teach. There is.
Research also shows that parental discipline strategies that increase empathy are likely to strengthen internalizing processes. Parenting that supports logical consequences and autonomy is effective because it helps reduce anger and increase empathy in situations that set rules and limits.
How can parents apply this research?
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Gently remind your child of the rules and restrictions before using any type of discipline. For example, if your child is throwing sand at the playground, before following this logical conclusion, remind your child, “If you keep throwing sand, we will have to leave the playground.” please.
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If they are not happy with the limits you have set, acknowledge their feelings. It's important to remember that you can still stick to your limits, even if you're aware that your partner might not like it. For example, “I know you don't like being squeezed into your car seat. It's uncomfortable for you, but it's the only safe way for us to get in the car.”
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If possible, use logical consequences rather than punishment. Logical consequences are consequences created by the parent that are related to and logically follow the action. For example, if your child hits a sibling, ask them to stop the game so you can go get an ice pack. If you make a mess, you have to clean it up instead of watching a movie with your family. Research shows that logical outcomes are easier for children to accept, are less likely to provoke anger, and are more likely to increase empathy.
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Give them the opportunity to make some choices or participate in decision-making and problem-solving in some way. If your child is having difficulty with the limits or rules you have set, give them the opportunity to choose. For example, you can say, “I need to leave the playground now. Please walk or skip to your car.”
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Explain the rationale behind the restrictions, focusing on the impact on others if possible. Explaining the rationale (translation: explaining the reason for the rule, not just “because I said so”) can help reduce children's anger at the rule and increase the likelihood that they will internalize the rule. will increase. Additionally, focusing on how the rules affect others helps build empathy, which is also key to internalization. For example, you can say, “If you don't put away your toys, someone might trip over them and get hurt.” Or, “When you grabbed the toy from your brother's hand, it hurt his hand and he stopped playing.”
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Avoid threats (“If you don't put away your toys, I'll throw them all away'') or those intended to induce fear or guilt (“Why are you always so mean to your baby brother?''). While these approaches may be effective in the moment, they appear to control the child, increase anger, and ultimately reduce the likelihood of internalization.
whole translation
Research suggests that parents should strive to employ discipline strategies that reduce anger and increase empathy to help children internalize self-defined rules and ultimately learn right from wrong. I am.
