Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Have questions about care and feeding? Please submit here.
Dear care and food,
I gave birth to my first child in early December. I didn't see a lot of my close friends at first because it coincided with the holidays, but since then they've all been sending me messages of support and coming to see my baby… except for one friend. He wasn't interested at all. For context, my son is a rainbow baby (born almost exactly a year after my first pregnancy ended in miscarriage). This friend has experienced late-term miscarriages herself as well as other early pregnancy losses. She doesn't have any children yet. I broke the news of her pregnancy as discreetly as possible to her and had no problem with her refusing to attend the baby shower (I thought it would be awkward for a large group of women to ask if they had children). Masu). We continued to hang out as usual during my pregnancy, but she said it was okay to catch up and she even asked to catch up.
The baby is here, so the radio is silent. She has a very flexible schedule because she lives 5 minutes away and works from her home. When I contact her, she doesn't ask about my child or acknowledge the existence of her child, although I keep trying to do so. I plan on becoming a SAHM in the near future, so never mentioning children when my main focus is on them seems out of the question. I am hurt and frustrated that she has abandoned our friendship and is not supportive or interested in my life because of our different circumstances. She got married years before me and bought a house before me, but I refused to attend her wedding or blamed these milestones because they didn't happen to me. I didn't go and not bless her. What's confusing is that people struggling with infertility seem to believe that they develop special feelings when their friendships diverge in different directions. Is this fair? And can this friendship survive in an authentic way without me pretending the child doesn't exist?
—Postpartum problems
Dear postpartum,
While I can understand being disappointed that your friend showed no interest in your baby, I'm a little surprised at your lack of empathy, especially considering you've experienced pregnancy loss yourself. Ta. Your friend has lost multiple pregnancies, including the second trimester. She may never be able to have children of her own. She managed to get the story together and tell you about your pregnancy, but it's clearly too much pain for her to handle now that your child is actually here. That doesn't mean she can never see your child or hear about your child, but she's not there yet. Sure, your friends may have different levels of luck and experience milestones at different times, but few things impact a woman more severely than not being able to have children even though she wants to. there is no. You can't compare that to getting married for the first time or buying a house.
This situation can end the friendship, and the two of you may no longer be as close as you were before. But while you can grieve the loss of connection, whether temporary or permanent, you can still have some understanding of your friend's situation. Not being able to bear a child in time can leave a woman feeling devastated, making her feel inadequate, and making her feel defeated. You are so lucky to have a rainbow baby. Your friend may never know her joy, and it's probably what she wants more than anything on earth. Have fun with friends who can be there for you and your baby. Reach out to this friend from time to time and let her know that you're still there for her, even if she can't show up for you in the same way at the moment.
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Dear care and food,
About seven years ago, I won a lot of money in Las Vegas. In my generosity, I paid for my half-sister's new car and my brother-in-law's honeymoon. My sister graduated from college and is engaged. She's angry at me for not being so extravagant for the celebration. I explained that the money would be gone unless she felt I needed to take out a second mortgage on my house to pay for her. She kept making mean comments on Christmas, so she ended up exposing it.
Her problem is that she has had a wound on her shoulder ever since her parents divorced. She is convinced that she always grew up being hated, even though our parents were very careful about being fair. If anything, he was her favorite. Her brother-in-law and I certainly didn't get to buy a car when we graduated from high school, and we never went to a private college. The fact that she's still pulling such youthful shit when we're in our 30s disgusts me.
Her engagement party is in a month. To do this, she will need to take time off from work and secure a flight and hotel. Other than her attitude during Christmas, I felt she was obligated to do so. Can I skip it? What would I say if asked about it?
—Disengage
Dear This Engage
If you don't feel comfortable discussing the actual issue with your sister (I'm not kidding), you can simply say that now is not the time to take time off from work, and then you won't be able to take time off from work. . engagement party. Tell her you're looking forward to celebrating at her wedding and call it a day. If you think it's okay to be confrontational, you can also explain to her that you were really fed up with her attitude over the holidays and weren't willing to make the sacrifice to attend her party. That's fine. That the money you had with her seven years ago was from her windfall and cannot be expected to be spent the same way again just because she is experiencing a milestone in her life. Remind her. If you really want to go there (and these issues didn't already come up during the holidays), you should know that she was better than you or your brother-in-law, and that she somehow You can point out that you are tired of what she said or was ignored by the parent. Explain that you're excited for the special moment she's about to have, but you simply aren't in a position to fund it. There's a good chance she won't accept your explanation given how petty and immature she sounds. Skip her engagement party knowing you did nothing wrong and don't owe her sister anything.
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Dear care and food,
I am a woman in my 40s, married, and have two children. I am also an academic currently on sabbatical. I would love to take a road trip with my kids. I probably have more free time than I've had in years, and my kids are at the right age to travel. My husband doesn't have enough vacation time to do most of this trip with us. He's not going to “forbid” us to travel without him (he's not that kind of guy), but it's clear he doesn't like the idea. I would enjoy a week of solitude if he took the kids on a trip, but he feels left out. It seems kind of silly to still want to go on a trip like this. We can certainly afford to travel, especially since we've never had separate finances in our long marriage, but I don't have my own money to pay for these trips. there is no. And although I have a good job now, he has definitely contributed more to our joint finances over the years than I have. I can't decide if I'm irrational in wanting to spend money on something he doesn't enjoy, or if he's irrational in not wanting his family to do something just because he doesn't enjoy it. .
—Should I stay here or leave?
Dear, can I stay like this?
Neither you nor your husband are pushing yourself too hard. It's only natural that you want to make the most of this vacation and have special experiences with your kids. It's no wonder that your husband feels left out because he's not in a position to travel on his own. I think I should go on a trip. These excursions will create memories that will last a lifetime for you and your child. I think you should also consider your husband's feelings. Don't spend a lot of time talking to him about his vacation plans or ask him to do many other things to support your vacation besides dropping you off at the airport. Talk about his feelings and admit that he's disappointed that he can't be with you. Before you leave, plan a special weekend activity for the whole family and include something your husband will enjoy. If he's a big sports fan, go see a game. If he likes fishing, spend the day on the water together. Tell him how much you miss him when you travel, and if possible, try to plan a vacation together when he's available.
Dear care and food,
My 9 year old daughter “Emma” has a friend “Olivia” who is kind and loving, but she is a bit possessive and my daughter is tired of it. My daughter is a friendly outgoing person, but she's secretly a little anxious. When Olivia sees her daughter talking/playing with other children it hurts her and she no longer speaks to her. Emma cares and is affected by her reaction. I'm good friends with Olivia's mom, so we've grown up together. Both of them are planning to try out for a musical soon, so I hope they don't bring any unnecessary drama to the drama club. They are new to theater and end up appearing in ensemble/large group scenes. Emma is already worried about upsetting Olivia by making her other friends at the musical. How can I coach my daughter on this matter? And is there anything I can say to my friend to coach my daughter? I don't know if they are aware of the impact they are having, and I don't know how to communicate that. My general advice to Emma is to involve all of her friends instead of avoiding Olivia, but don't stop making her friends to make her happy. They are both very nice kids!
—A worried mom watches over you.
Dear worried mom,
It's time to communicate with Oliva's mother. Explain to her how Olivia acts when Emma talks to her other children and how it affects Emma. It may not be easy for you or her to hear it, but it's the only way to improve the situation. Olivia is not trying to hurt Emma, and it is not unusual for young children, especially those who are not sociable, to be possessive of her friends. You can suggest a conversation between the four of them where the two girls can express their feelings. As for your girlfriend Emma, you're saying the right thing to her girlfriend. Keep reminding her that it's okay for her to have friends other than Olivia, and that Olivia doesn't need to be upset about it. Let her know that it's okay to tell Olivia that she really loves having her as a friend, but that she also enjoys having other friends. Encourage her to introduce Olivia to other children and plan games for them to play together.
–Jamila
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