Fostering independent thinking (rather than compliance) in teenagers

Independence and self-assertion begin at home.

Written by Dr. Annalize Caron

I recently heard two different parenting approaches to the same situation. A fifth-grade teacher insists that children who do not bring her a $1 donation to a local cause will not be allowed to participate in “Hat Day,” a day of school spirit. was doing. Children who did not bring dollars were called by name and asked to take off their hats. While this may not seem like a big deal to Gen X parents, it was upsetting for the kids in the class who were publicly called out for not bringing a dollar.

One parent said she heard a report about her son's teacher's position and asked her what she thought. He reported that he got into trouble because he thought it was unkind and unnecessary for the teacher to create a scene for three children who forgot their dollars, and he told the teacher about it. This mother acknowledged her son's opinion, and if her son maintained a respectful tone when explaining his position, she would speak up when she thought her son was really wrong. She said she didn't get angry when she raised the bar and caused trouble. In the same conversation, another mother said to her son, “If that's what Mr. Smith wants in the classroom, that's what he should do. End of discussion.” . The same situation resulted in two very different parenting responses. One was to seek and support the child's independent perspective, and the other was to prioritize adult compliance above all else.

Most parents want the same for their children. This means raising healthy children into responsible, independent adults. However, in our busy lives, parents often focus on their children's behavior (i.e., what parents want and what adults expect) over the long-term perspective (i.e., raising their children into adults). I will prioritize it. If we focus on behavioral compliance at the moment, we fail to help children develop emotional and cognitive autonomy – the ability to think, feel and decide for themselves. Her teens and pre-teens, given the opportunity to think and make decisions independently from their parents, develop a sense of independence, self-direction, and a positive sense of self. This is a fancy way of saying that children learn to trust their own judgment and are better able to make good decisions on their own when their parents aren't around.

So the next time a difficult situation arises with your teen or tweens and you want to tell them what to do or how to act, remember this:

• It's not just what you say and do to your children, but how you are to your children and teens that is important for their development and future independence. is.
• Before you give your opinion, first ask them what they think about the situation. This shows the other person respect and makes them feel supported by you.
• If you disagree with your child's point of view or feel anxious, be aware of your comments and facial expressions to avoid being overly critical. This can interrupt the conversation.
• Parent-child relationships serve as a basis for shaping the development of future relationships outside the family. Therefore, children who feel safe sharing their thoughts and opinions at home are more likely to be willing to share them later with friends, colleagues, and loved ones. They are generally more likely to speak up for themselves.
• Research shows that teens and young adults who receive autonomy support at home develop safer long-term relationships, have better academic and occupational outcomes, and reduce drug use and risky sexual behavior. It has been shown that people tend to be less influenced by their peers.

The lesson is: It's not yours. tell me What they should do is how are you It can make a big difference with your teen. The more you maintain a warm and patient parental approach while respecting your teen's independent thinking, the more your children will trust you and ask for your opinion over time, and the more likely they will be to do the same in future relationships. They start looking for and expecting qualities.

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