Slate Plus members get even more benefits care and feeding Every week. Do you have questions about children, parenting, or family life? Please submit here!
Dear care and food,
I have a 16-year-old daughter, “Rachel,” and she has always been a go-getter. She was smart and personable, and always had big plans for her future, including going to college and eventually a career as a high-level nurse. Like most teenagers, Rachel also uses social media (mainly her TikTok and her Instagram). Her father and I have regulations regarding her use of it and she loosely monitors what she is ingesting, but we believe she is responsible for her. Now I'm wondering if I did something wrong.
Rachel recently did a 180 on her goals. Whereas I used to be excited about going to college, getting my degree, and eventually moving to my dream city, now all I talk about is dropping out of high school (for now!). And find a “nice rich man” to take care of her. She wants to maintain her appearance for a future man and focus on learning her housewife skills. She can't wait to be able to sit at home all day and make quilts and homemade butter while homeschooling her kids. She's now talking about how great the “patriarchy” is and how she can't wait for someone to come and take care of her. When she learned more about where this came from, she discovered that Rachel was spending almost all of her social media time looking at her trade wife's accounts. This page is a page that glorifies being a SAHM and turns it into some kind of patriarchal fantasy.
For the record, I am a SAHM myself. I'm not looking down on women who choose housewifery as a career. That's what I did! I am deeply concerned that Rachel doesn't actually love her idea of being a wife and mother. She likes the idea of having a man take care of her, and she is willing to put herself in situations that could turn into abuse. I've tried having conversations with her about the dangers of being dependent on men and what it's really like to be a SAHM, but it just doesn't go from one ear to the other of hers. Rachel seriously considers dropping out of her high school to focus on her future as a housewife by trade. She has already dropped her grades and she has told her father and me that she no longer plans to go to college because “real men don't need educated feminist women.” did. She is so scared of her. We have already taken her off social media and put her in therapy, but it doesn't seem to be helping her so far. She would appreciate any advice.
—Please stop being a trad wife.
Dear trad wife
Keep Rachel off social media (as much as possible, since it's hard to monitor what she's taking without you) and don't send her to therapy. These may not be here to stay, but I hope they will help you in the long run. Let them know that as long as they stay home, they don't have the option of taking school seriously. She should not be allowed to play with her friends or talk on the phone until her grades improve. She enrolls her in her tutorship and has her continue with it until her situation improves. In modern society, few men (and even fewer wealthy men) are willing to take care of a woman without a high school diploma, and the trade housewife lifestyle she covets often means a loss of wealth. Explain to her that it involves loss. individual freedom. Ask her how she would feel if her partner wouldn't let her talk to her family or friends or prevent her from pursuing her own hobbies and interests. It's okay to want someone to be her protector and provider, but a quality man wants a woman who can give him more than just the ability to bake bread and raise children. Please tell her that you are there. Tell her that many SAHMs meet their husbands in college, and that part of the reason these women are interesting to partners is their educational background and worldliness.
Introduce your daughter to some accessible feminist books that can help her better understand how patriarchy really affects women's lives. If she can't get her to read to herself, read her a book at the dinner table.bell hooks feminism is for everyone and Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. we should all be feminists Easy to read and dispels the myth that feminism is some kind of cult against man-hating women. Talk about how feminism has improved the quality of women's lives. There was a time in this country when a man could legally rape his wife and a woman couldn't vote, get a checking account, or divorce her abusive partner. Please explain to her what happened. Keep having these conversations every day and talk about feminism until you're blue in the face. Because I literally have to deprogram my daughter. Also, contact her friend's parents to find out if this whore thing is limited to Rachel or if other girls are being indoctrinated by TikTok as well.
–Jamila
