Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I am extremely perplexed why children today are not being potty trained. The State of Utah wants to implement a law stating that a child is required to be potty trained to enter kindergarten. Why on God’s Green Earth is this kind of law required in 2024? My daughter worked in a day care a few years back and said they worked with the 2-year-olds to help potty train the kids, but there was no follow through with a lot of parents when they went home. I am so gobsmacked and perplexed. My daughter, who is 34 years old, is forever saying people don’t want children, they want dolls, that they expect others to train and raise.
—Gobsmacked
Dear Gobsmacked,
Generally speaking, I do not put very much stock in any opinion about “American parents,” writ large, that holds that “they” “want others to train and raise” their kids. People looking in from the outside—yes, even daycare workers like your daughter!—can’t know much about what is happening in a family. Given how little social support American parents of young children get, compared to families in other similarly wealthy countries, hearing from people that we “want others to train and raise our kids” makes me feel like blowing a gasket. Good lord! So what if we do! A little help, here!
Regarding this specific question, I just edited a piece for Slate.com on this very Utah law.
The pediatric urologist who co-wrote the piece said he had seen this complaint—“Kids in kindergarten aren’t toilet trained because their parents don’t care”—pop up in media for at least a decade. When his co-writer tried to get firm data on the numbers of kindergarten teachers who registered this complaint, from the Utah legislator who proposed this law, the legislator did not supply it (at least, not within the four or five days between his interview and our publication of the article). The urologist thinks that any kids in kindergarten who still do have accidents may be experiencing a very specific medical problem that’s poorly understood and more common than you think. Read the article!
I will add that there is a substantial current of belief in contemporary “gentle” parenting (yes, I know, it’s annoying) that holds that pushing to “train” children between the ages of 1.5 and 3—setting timers, creating sticker charts, having no-pants weekends, putting kids on potties, bribing them with candy to stay there—isn’t necessary and can be counterproductive. (Read more about this idea, if your mind is open to it, here.) Parents from your daughter’s former daycare who “did not follow through” with their children at home might have this set of beliefs in mind. We ourselves did not “train” our child, except for making available underpants, little potties, board books about the process, and any parental help she wanted. She did it herself, was very proud, and was completely done by age 3.5.
Did we look like we “didn’t care,” from the outside, for about a year? Maybe! Oh well! Parents whose daycares require 3-year-olds to be “trained” may not be able to do this. But that’s the daycare that’s in the wrong, not the parents. Just my two cents.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My spouse and I have been together for well over a decade, and now have two young children. My in-laws live in the same city as us about half the year, and quite frankly that is more than enough for me. When they’re here, they want to get together all the time (they would be happy to come over multiple times a week), and they often don’t ask when we’re available, but instead just say when they’re coming over next. If they don’t see us for a week or so, then they come up with a reason to “drop something off” and then stay for six hours. They comment on our parenting, our house, our finances, our mail, our pets, you name it! Every time they come over, they bring random things from their house “for us.” Sometimes it is literally trash, but most of the time it’s like they use our house as their Goodwill drop off center.
I have anxiety, and being around them only heightens these feelings for me because they have also never fully accepted me as their family. They’ve talked badly about me behind my back for the vast majority of our relationship, so I don’t trust them. They are typically nice to my face, but not always. I’ve also overheard them make snide comments about me under their breath when they think I’m out of earshot. We cannot count on them for childcare because they are simply not capable, so this isn’t a silver lining for me.
They talk about moving into our neighborhood, and when the house next door to us was on the market, they actually went to see it, but determined it was out of their price range. They continue to talk about various houses on the market within walking distance to us, and they have gone to other house showings. They have also mentioned living in our basement. For what it’s worth, they do not need to move and are financially stable. I cannot handle them living any closer, and I have no idea how to handle these comments, let alone having to see them for half a year every single year. My spouse is extremely non-confrontational with their parents, so not much help.
—I Need More Space!
Dear More Space,
You’re letting your spouse off the hook far too easily here. I can see how, if they grew up with parents that are like this, they might end up “non-confrontational” as a matter of survival. But to continue not to confront, around these types of issues, is to do you, their spouse, a wrong. They need to step up and draw the line. Your spouse should be the one to come up with the white-lie reasons why these visits can’t last six hours, and to deliver the excuses to their parents. And there is no way, no way, no way these in-laws can live in your neighborhood or, god forbid, your basement! Your spouse needs to start coming up with counter-arguments for that one, and soon.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
Looking for some advice on how to encourage (older) sibling bonding! So my other half has three older (half) siblings. There are two sons from his dad’s previous marriage, a daughter from his mum’s and then they got together and had him (my boyfriend). He’s essentially the baby of the family and the one that “unites” the other siblings. He grew up day-in and day-out with his sister, and his brothers visited together on weekends. They’re a good 10 years older than my boyfriend is and he really looks up to them!
They/we are all adults now and have their own families (we’re the only ones currently without children), but it seems pretty apparent that his brothers do a lot without really thinking to include him and their sister. And we don’t know how to address it because I don’t think they mean to leave him out on purpose, but I know he’d love to be more involved!
For example, the eldest lives abroad but comes home a fair bit. Whenever he does, the two older brothers will spend a LOT of time together, but my other half will only get to see him a couple of times. We try to organize get-togethers and phone calls, but it feels like we’re not really a priority. They also have nieces and nephews who will refer to their other uncle as “Uncle xx” but my partner just gets his first name, which I know bothers him a little. I know it’s only a title but it hurts my heart to see my partner feeling so left out.
I feel the older two have a strong bond because of their close age and the way they grew up, and I’m sure they hang out and talk a lot so that their children can see each other too, but is there a good way of approaching this conversation with them without hurting anyone’s feelings? Their sister also feels left out sometimes but she has a VERY busy social life and isn’t around too much either. Parents live in a different state and have a small house, so they can’t really facilitate get togethers for us all at the same time.
—Left-Out Brother’s Wife
Dear Brother’s Wife,
Awwwww. It’s very sweet of you to care about this dynamic, which has developed over so many years that it is now ingrained in your husband’s family’s life. But I don’t think this is a case where you have very much agency. Things you can do: Make sure that, when the brothers offer time to get together, your husband can definitely attend; make this a financial priority and factor it in when you’re planning out days off for the year. Keep on extending offers for get-togethers and phone calls.
Things you can’t do, which I’m just mentioning because you seem good-hearted, but you also seem, well, fairly invested in this situation: Communicate with the brothers directly to ask them to reach out to him more often. Name this “problem” to his siblings, in any way—an act which, I think, would elevate this apparently natural asymmetry to the status of an Issue, and you to the status of a Meddling Partner. And you should definitely not ask your husband’s brothers to get their kids to call him “Uncle.” That’s just the way things are.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I am a 25-year-old mom of two, ages 2.5 years and 6 months. My daughter (2.5) is from a previous relationship and her dad is not involved. My son (6 months) is from my now-boyfriend whom I live with. My boyfriend also has a daughter (3) from a previous relationship. They split when she was just under a year old. We get his daughter every other week.
My boyfriend sells cars and therefore has a rocky schedule.
Because of all of this, I feel like the routine for my daughter and my son is extremely disrupted when the 3-year-old is here as she doesn’t and never has had much of a routine. My children rely on their routine heavily and so do I. I don’t get much time to myself and look forward to the small breaks in our routine like naps, bedtime, etc. Every time my bonus daughter comes to our house, my daughter refuses to sleep and refuses to eat at mealtimes. These are not issues at all during the weeks his daughter is at her mom’s house. My daughter sometimes will stay up well into the hours of the night—we’re talking 12-1 a.m. when she’s here, despite his daughter being sound asleep.
His daughter is non-verbal for the most part due to a speech delay. She understands us, but can’t always communicate back to us. I have voiced to my boyfriend that I would like to learn more about her routine at her mom’s house so that we can try to move our routine around to fit the needs of all three kids when she’s here, but he doesn’t want me to communicate directly with her, and he refuses to communicate with her about these difficult topics. I have also tried explaining that these things are affecting my daughter’s physical and mental health as well as her behavior, and we need to come up with a solid plan that works for all of us. But his responses usually end in “We always have these problems when my daughter is here” as if he feels like I am attacking his daughter directly.
I have been in his daughter’s life since shortly before her second birthday, and I have never been reluctant to help with her in any way that I can as long as it doesn’t affect the other kids’ lifestyles. I absolutely adore and love his daughter. But his lack of willingness to come up with a plan of action to keep all the kids in a good state of mind throughout these weeks is really causing some resentment towards his daughter and his daughter’s mom, which is not my intention. But I’m starting to look forward less and less to the weeks we have her, as I know it will be much more mentally and physically taxing on me than it is for him as I am the default parent. Do you have any advice?
—We Need a Schedule
Dear Need a Schedule,
This is a lot. You are dealing with a newly blended family, shaky communication between co-parents, being the default parent, and the dreaded beast that is toddler sleep problems—all in the context of taking care of three kids under the age of four, which is a tall order at the best of times. I can see why you are feeling stirred up about it!
It’s probably difficult to make your boyfriend find out more about the 3-year-old’s routine at her mom’s if he doesn’t see it as necessary, but I don’t think he’s slighting your daughter by this lack of interest in the problem, which is an implication I’m reading between the lines in this letter. It’s surprising the degree to which people have very, very different perspectives on the importance of a daily routine for little kids. You can see this just from the example of your own in-laws, but you can also see it around you, in the world, whenever you’re at a store at 9 p.m. and see an adult with a toddler, doing the shopping. I was always a stickler for a routine—why wouldn’t you want to insure yourself what the parenting influencer Busy Toddler calls your “union breaks” at nap time and after bed time? That was my perspective. I also just liked knowing what to expect. But (see my answer about toilet training, above!) you don’t know what is going on in people’s lives, and in some houses, this kind of rhythm might not be possible.
Well. You turned out to be a “in this house, toddlers and babies have a routine” person. You can try different ways of explaining this to him. He should be into it, out of self-interest if nothing else. (Why wouldn’t you want all these many little kids to be in bed by 7:30 p.m.?) But there are also parts of this letter that make me think you have more control over this situation than you may think. It sounds like managing the 3-year-old when she’s in your care is not actually the problem. She’s not the one who’s not sleeping or eating, it doesn’t seem; it’s your 2-year-old who’s throwing wrenches in the works. It sounds like your 3-year-old is relatively flexible (and kids can be; they often adjust to different styles of caregiving more easily than we think they will).
Since this is the case, keep your schedule, and fit the 3-year-old in. When your 2-year-old expresses her excitement and confusion about the new family member’s presence by not sleeping or eating, your only recourse is to stabilize all the variables you can. Make sure all of them have time to nap, as much outdoor time as you can manage, a good mix of stimulating activities and chilled-out downtime, and meals at appropriate intervals. That’s what you can control, so control it.
I also don’t know how long this current arrangement has been going on. If it’s not been too, too long, it’s possible some of your daughter’s excitement may resolve itself as time goes on. Your job is to hold the container straight, so she can see that things in her house will remain stable, no matter how many fun extra sisters come to stay.
—Rebecca
More Advice From Slate
At the gentle encouragement of our 3½-year-old daughter’s day care teachers, we have been nudging her toward potty training, despite the fact that she has zero interest in it. She knows when she has to go, she can control it, and she’s interested in potty matters. But she is perfectly happy in her Pull-Ups. With an enormous amount of encouragement she has peed on the toilet maybe 15 times at day care, and a whopping one time—ever—at home. She wears underwear, but we go with Pull-Ups for naptime, bedtime, long periods away from home, and pooping. She seems increasingly anxious about it, especially at home, where lately she doesn’t even want to sit on the potty.
