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Dear care and food,
When I was 16 years old, I had a son, Alex, with my then-boyfriend and now-husband, Jay. He was only a few months older than me. I wasn't ready to be a mother, so we both ended up dropping out of school, getting our GEDs, and working long hours for low pay.
We didn't have much housing security, we weren't mentally prepared to raise a family, we were just a mess. When Alex was 4, we left him with his in-laws. It was meant to be temporary until we could get back on our feet, but that didn't happen for a long time and by the time we were financially ready to have him back, he was no longer with us. I also didn't want to have a relationship with him. Jay and I decided to leave Alex with his grandparents, sending them all the money we could and trying to be a part of his life, but perhaps we were more than real parents. They were like pushy uncles and aunts. Alex is now a young adult (22 years old) and recently his husband and I tried to contact him again. Somewhat to our surprise, he decided he wanted to talk to us.
For the past few months we have been working on rekindling our relationship. Still, things are frosty. He is bitter that we have abandoned him. The situation is made even worse by the fact that we have a 12-year-old daughter “Eva”. We are in a much better position for her than Alex and she is a happy and well-adjusted child. Her anger that Alex has towards her is palpable. And I understand his feelings very much. But this greatly complicates our approach efforts. I don't want to expose Eva to Alex's bitterness. Whatever issues Alex had with Jay and my parenting, or lack of issues he was concerned about, we could accept that he would take it out on us, but… Not acceptable to his daughter. To be fair to her, Alex never directly belittled or insulted her. But it's clear that he hates her girlfriend and wishes her girlfriend didn't exist. I've started having a relative or sitter handle my meetings with Alex, but I'm not sure how to approach this issue with him. I want to tell him to leave her because of her legitimate hatred he has for us. But at this moment she does not know what to do, since she feels that she cannot make a definite request to him.
—trying to undo
Please restore my dear,
First, let's establish some principles that we think are helpful to keep in mind. Any relationship. All “demands” in a relationship are, by definition, unreasonable (demands are a necessary requirement for obedience).what teeth Being always rational means request.
This may seem like a trivial issue in semantics, but I assure you it is not. The spirit with which you approach a conversation affects not only how it is received, but also the outcome.And if you can understand the difference between conveying your thoughts to your estranged son. Must Do that (you instinctively know that doing so will likely make the relationship between him and you worse overall) ask If you want something from him, it might help your relationship in ways beyond the situation with Eva. Putting your request in context might help you as much as it helped Alex. Tell him straight up that you understand how difficult it is for him to know that you stepped up and succeeded. Get used to it Her parents when you didn't (felt you) did it (It's not) Do it for him and tell him everything that led to your decision to have him raised by his grandparents. It was certainly a decision for him as much as it was for you. I think twice before entering into a conversation with him. do Do you wish you could have taken care of him? If so, please say so. Does he want a real connection with him, a new start in the relationship, a chance for all four of them to get together as a family?
Tell Alex how much you love him (do you?). Ask him what he needs from you. Think of this approach as “I finally get to talk to my son'' and rethink what it means for you to be back in his life. he. Family therapy can be a great help with this, but don't wait until your therapist starts to be open and honest with your son or hear what the past 18 years have been like for him. Walking on eggshells with him won't get you anywhere (or perhaps, at best, it will only result in a polite but distant relationship and an easier conscience). As Alex, you need to be able to directly communicate how you feel instead of leaving it up to speculation.So listen he.
Now for the part that may be more difficult, but equally important. Please discuss all this with your daughter.. I don't know how much you've revealed so far about her brother, or how much you've admitted to guilt, but I'm not sure why he's cold towards her or why he's jealous. , and I think it makes sense why you would let her know that. You are sad and how sad you were not able to be her parents. Eva should be honest too. That's a bigger gift in the long run than you protecting her from her unpleasant experiences. If you're worried that she'll look at you differently if she knows everything, that is, if you want her to think you're perfect, now's the time. It's a good time to let it go (she'll realize eventually anyway). Then, instead of leaving her at home when you met Alex (by the way, leaving your 12 year old with a sitter made me pause and wonder if you were babying her? — unless you spend more than a few hours with Alex every time you see him, or you have to travel overnight to see him (which makes sense in which case), then at least part of the time you spend with Alex Please include. Let the children get to know each other. If your ultimate goal is to heal a broken family, the only way to get through it is to be open and honest. And of course love.
—Michelle
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