Slate Plus members get even more benefits care and feeding Every week. Do you have questions about children, parenting, or family life? Please submit here!
Dear care and food,
My grandson Jack and I are very close. Jack is 12 years old and a very shy boy. He has a best friend named Elizabeth. They are very similar children, but with different interests. They're both “old souls” who seem mature for their age and love to curl up with an Agatha Christie book instead of mindlessly scrolling through TikTok. They do everything together, but it's gotten to the point where one can't do anything without the other.
Jack expressed interest in art classes, but was signed up without Elizabeth, so he was completely shut out and unable to do anything. Jack and Elizabeth are in similar classes at school, but not all classes are the same. Jack is very shy and rarely attends classes on good days. However, Elizabeth recently had surgery and while Jack was absent from school, he was barely functioning at school. He called me many times during the day, almost crying. The stress of going through school without your best friend.
From what I've heard, Elizabeth is similarly dependent on Jack to get through school. Elizabeth has been there for Jack through some very difficult times in his life, including the death of her father. My daughter is very sensitive to receiving her parenting advice, and when I tell her this, she is convinced that Jack is just being “shy” and that her mental health is not deteriorating. If you don't, you will almost certainly be rejected. How can I help his grandson?
–A worried grandma
To my worried grandma
If you love your grandchildren, if you listen to them, if you are someone they know they can rely on, then you are already doing what you need to do for them. . I get that you're worried no matter what, but try not to judge him or draw too firm a conclusion about him based on his attachment to his friend. He lost his father (if not recently) and must be dealing with a lot of grief and trauma as a result. He needs to be able to feel and process all of this in his own way and at his own pace, even though it may be painful to watch at times. Pick up when he calls, do something fun together, make it clear that you care about his feelings, and tell him how much you love him.
Jack may benefit from counseling and further grief support. If you think there is an unmet need, it's something you can raise (and offer to help if possible). But when talking about her daughter and grandson, I don't think it's necessary to offer a ton of advice that she dismisses or focuses on friendships at school that she considers codependent. You might start by asking what her daughter noticed. Aside from her daughter's shyness, this doesn't seem to be new, but how do you think Jack is doing? What did he share with her? Did they ask you? What do you want from them? How can you better support them?
You cannot control the attitude of your daughter's parents. You also cannot help how your grandchild's school experience goes or control whether he or she copes and heals in a healthy way. But you can still love him, listen to him, and be there for him. I promise it's important. Especially if he's really suffering right now.
—Nicole
More advice from Slate
My 12 year old son is extremely extroverted. He is into band, choir, soccer, swim team, and dance classes. However, I am an anxious introvert. dislike You have to be a “soccer mom,” a “stage mom,” a “dance mom,” etc. How can I support him?
