Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I am a stay-at-home mom with a toddler. My salary couldn’t cover day care expenses, and we are barely able to make rent. My in-laws both work insane hours and have two minor children—then my sister-in-law got pregnant and had to move back home. She works a minimum-wage job nearby but doesn’t have anyone to watch the baby. I agreed to look after the baby on the condition that she pay me $100 a week.
In 12 weeks she has paid me less than $200 total. She often drops off the baby with zero supplies and is late picking up. She will not answer her phone and treats me with irritation if I bring up the situation. She has it “so hard” compared with everyone else on the planet. I lost my cool after she told me to mind my own f-ing business when I demanded she give me her work schedule because I wasn’t going to babysit while she ran around wild. Then she boasted about her new tattoo on social media (all the while whining to me about how “broke” she is).
I informed the family I wasn’t going to watch the baby anymore, and all hell broke loose. My sister-in-law was ranting and raving about how I’m going to cost her her job. My in-laws were stressing about their work shifts and how they could watch the baby. I was lucky that my husband was on my side. He told his family that his sister deserved a good hard slap across the face, not sympathy, for putting the family through this. Now my sister-in-law is stuck at home with the baby and bitching to everyone about it, especially since I have started to watch two other people’s children—and get paid for it. I wouldn’t care, but it has made relationships with my in-laws frosty. My mother-in-law blames me, while the younger children hate dealing with their sister and the baby being at the house. What do we do now?
—Babysitting Breakdown
Dear Breakdown,
You’re in a real predicament. You’re absolutely right to stand on your principles and not let your sister-in-law take advantage of you for free child care. Yet, everyone in your family is struggling financially, and your decision is making your in-laws’ lives even more difficult. And in the middle of all of this, barely mentioned in your letter, is this poor baby, bounced from home to home because everyone views him—her? We don’t even know!—as an impediment to just getting through the day.
I’m glad your husband is backing you up, if not exactly thrilled about how he expressed it. (Really? A good hard slap across the face?) I wonder if he could negotiate a solution to this problem, maybe one that has your in-laws paying the $100 rate you’re offering so that your—now flourishing!—home day care could serve as a drop-off option for your niece (nephew?) when Mom’s life gets a little too complicated. But he should be the one having this discussion with his family—not you.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My 13-year-old, “Sally,” routinely babysits for my brother’s children, ages 3 and 8. The problem is “Tara,” their neighbor, a 10-year-old girl. She is a menace. She loves winding my daughter up by arguing with her, ignoring house rules, and getting my niece to act out. Tara’s mother seems to have no problem with any of this.
Last weekend, my daughter was babysitting. My nephew needed a bath, so she went upstairs and left her cousin watching TV. While they were upstairs, Tara came over and persuaded my niece to go to the park to play. It is across a busy road that she isn’t allowed to cross. My daughter came down to find her cousin missing and couldn’t leave the baby alone. She called my brother, his wife, and me but couldn’t get anyone. She panicked and ended up calling the police. Tara and her cousin were picked up by a cruiser just as all the adults got home. My sister-in-law absolutely ripped into my daughter for calling the police “for nothing.” My daughter was in tears when I picked her up.
I called my brother, and he informed me that they and Tara’s mom agreed that the girls had been so traumatized that they wouldn’t be punished for breaking the rules. They got ice cream instead. At this, I told my brother good luck finding another babysitter, because Sally would not be stepping foot into his home unless it was a family function. And if his wife ever yelled at my daughter like that again, we would have more than words. This upset the apple cart because my brother and his wife often work weekends. Everyone is telling me I am overreacting here. My daughter doesn’t want to babysit anymore, but she enjoyed the pocket money. What do I do?
—Tara Trauma
Dear Trauma,
Your brother is wrong and you are right. Your daughter did the best she could in a difficult situation, and while I understand that your sister-in-law was upset in the moment, she should be ashamed of herself for yelling at a 13-year-old who was scared out of her wits. I hope that, eventually, they apologize to your daughter. Maybe then you and Sally will decide together that she’s willing to come back and babysit. (If she does, she should make sure to lock the damn doors against Tara the Menace.) Until then, you can find another way for your daughter to make pocket money.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My parents are in their 80s but still live independently. They have an older cat, who is incontinent. He’s been peeing in their home for years but must be adding new locations because the stench is eye-wateringly bad. After a recent visit, I had to rewash all our clothes when we got home. I’m concerned about possible health issues from living with such high ammonia levels all the time. I also have a mobile baby and a toddler, so I’m not crazy about them being there either. And I’m concerned about their ability to handle what’s going to be extensive remediation as they get older if this continues for years. I think my dad would be willing to get rid of the cat, but my mom is resistant. They have a second cat who does not do this, as far as I know. Should I push for them getting rid of the cat (he’s old, blind, and not particularly friendly), or is it not my place and we need to just get a hotel when we visit?
—Urinary Unpleasantness
Dear Urinary,
This problem is going to last no more than one year, I guarantee you. I would not suggest you push your parents to get rid of this cat. Stay in a hotel when you visit, meet them at a local park or restaurant, and get ready to treat them to the deepest deep-cleaning you can procure once the cat finds his way to the great litter box in the sky (which he will avoid, instead peeing on a fluffy white cloud).
Dear Care and Feeding,
My stepson is almost 16 years old. He has ADHD and significant issues with emotional regulation and executive functioning, and is very immature for his age. His mom bought him a new phone and agreed with him not to put parental controls on it. She doesn’t know his passcode. My husband and I do not agree with this. When my stepson was younger, we found that he was looking at highly inappropriate things online (think defecation fetish sites), and so his old phone had parental blocking software installed. After a huge fight with my stepson about his new phone and a family therapy session, we agreed to try to let it go if he stepped up and followed through on his responsibilities: really basic stuff, such as going to drum lessons without arguing, making his own lunches, turning in assignments for school.
We recently caught him lying. He told us he was out with a friend, but he was really at his mom’s house (no idea why he would lie about that). He told us he retook a test and it went OK when he never actually took it. His mom has an untreated personality disorder, and she is the type of person who cares only about what people think, not about reality. She will tell people what she feels they want to hear, she doesn’t take responsibility for anything and is always the victim, and she lies a lot. We are seeing these tendencies in my stepson more and more and are trying to combat her influence (we share custody 50–50). He knows honesty is important to us, much more important than grades or doing chores. Because of his ADHD, when we have disagreements, his communication turns ugly. Due to his lying and the things he called us when we were trying to discuss it with him (like “effing a-holes,” “effing R-words,” etc.), we have confiscated his phone. We told him he will not be getting it back unless and until he gives us the passcode. We also told his mom we will not be giving it back to her either.
My stepson is adamant that he won’t give the code to us or his mom. We have told him repeatedly that we don’t want to install parental controls again, but right now we do not trust him, and he has shown he is not responsible enough to have the phone completely unmonitored. We just want to look at it, see what apps he has installed, and put basic screentime blocks on some websites we don’t want him to have access to. Frankly, we don’t care if he looks at some porn—he’s a teenager, and that’s normal. We’ve had many talks with him about sex and porn. But we’re worried that he could be radicalized by certain websites or that he could get into online gambling. I’ve read some news articles recently about teenagers who have killed themselves after sending nudes to scammers who then try to blackmail them. My stepson has low self-esteem and is the type of kid who could get sucked into some bad things if other people gave him approval for it.
He says he has nothing to hide, then we say, “OK, just give us the code and this whole thing will be over,” but he refuses. The more he resists giving us his passcode, the more we are certain he is doing something he shouldn’t be doing on his phone. I believe he has a right to privacy, but he has totally lost our trust, and we aren’t going to take his word that he is being responsible with it. We also want him to feel the consequences for lying to us, and his phone and video games are the only things he cares about losing. So, my question is: Are we out of line for wanting his passcode? Is it not normal for parents to have at least some basic control of their teenagers’ phones? I can handle him being furious at us for our parenting choices, but I’d find it hard to forgive myself if something happened to him because we left him, literally, to his own devices.
—Device Drama
Dear Drama,
Whew! What a standoff! First of all, no, you are not out of line. Most parents of teens I know maintain access to their children’s phones, including knowing the passcode and instituting some parental controls. This is normal, and you should hold firm to this demand.
However, your letter, and the passion with which you have written it, makes me want to discuss a related topic. I am fairly new to the advice-column game, but I cannot help but notice that I am receiving letter after letter after letter after letter from the stepmothers of the world, struggling with relationships between themselves, their stepchildren, and the children’s mothers. Relatively few of these stepmothers seem wicked! Most seem desperately at sea, trying to navigate between surly teens, the teens’ moms, who won’t agree on basic parenting decisions, and, often, the needs of their own children, who feel stuck in the middle.
What they all seem to have in common with one another—and with you—is that none of them mentions much of anything their husband is doing to help them through this difficult situation. Maybe your husband, Mr. Drama, is actually taking the lead in this battle over your stepson’s phone, communicating clearly and frequently with him and with his ex, and has asked you to drop a quick line to his favorite advice column to see what they think. But your letter does not read as if that is the case. Your letter—its length, its intense detail, its air of panic about the child and resigned disappointment with his mother, its lack of the word husband after the first paragraph—reads as if you have shouldered this entire battle yourself.
You do not need to do this. In fact, it is way healthier if you do not do this! There is a difference between being an engaged, loving stepmom and taking the lead role in the drama currently embroiling your family. When you do this, you let your husband off the hook. He should be the one worrying constantly about this, signing up for family therapy, calling the kid’s psychiatrist, and sitting his son down for serious chats about why it is he’s not getting his phone back. Honestly, he should be the one writing to a freaking advice column! You should be backing him up, giving him logistical and emotional support, and offering kindness and love to your stepson, who really needs it.
Whither the stepmom in the 21st century? What are our stepmoms enduring? Being a stepmom is an often thankless position, one that leaves you open to being judged harshly (including, at times, by mean advice columnists) no matter what you do. But I hope all the stepmothers who read this column (and, like, any non-tenure-holding girlfriends) realize that just because you fall in love with someone, just because you love his children, does not mean that he can release his parenting responsibilities to you and let you constantly be the bad guy. Stepdads certainly don’t let their new spouses do this when the shoe is on the other foot! You know why the only stepdad I’ve heard from wrote in to the column? Because he literally wanted to get the hell out of his house!
Stepmoms: Give yourself a break. Make your husband do stuff. And yes, Drama, you both should hold out until your stepson gives you the passcode to the phone, and your husband should schedule some family therapy, STAT.
—Dan
More Advice From Slate
I adopted my wonderful, bright, inquisitive daughter three years ago, just a few days after she turned 1. I have resolved to always be open about her origins and to answer—as truthfully and age-appropriately as I can—any questions she has. But recently she will insist, sometimes casually but sometimes more forcefully, that “I grew in your tummy” or that I breastfed her when she was a baby, etc. When this happens I quite gently remind her that that isn’t true but say that I am her mother forever, no matter what. It doesn’t seem to be making much difference. I don’t feel that I can let the story stand without my correcting it, but I also don’t want to upset her, and sometimes she does seem quite upset. What should I do in this situation? Should I back off and let her say what she says without my correcting her and upsetting her? Continue to do what I’m doing and hope it eventually calms down? Something else?
