Does it seem like a normal Tuesday night to you, with strict curfews, text monitoring, and being reprimanded for scoring less than a 99 on a test? If so, you're no stranger to the “tiger parenting” phenomenon. You may be one of many.
Author Amy Chua recently gained fame for her divisive memoir released in 2011. Battle Hymn of the Tiger Motherthe phrase has now entered mainstream parlance as a type of parenting style that prioritizes traditional measures of success and achievement in school and work over a child's personal goals and well-being.
This type of parenting is most often associated with the “authoritative” parenting style, as opposed to other styles in which parents are more permissive or less involved with their children. Tiger parents have become most commonly associated with Asian families and are often portrayed in contrast to the more lax parenting style of the West, which prioritizes well-being and standards of personal success above all else.
Vocal proponents of tiger parenting believe this technique is a surefire way to set their offspring up for future success, and modern depictions of tiger parents have become more nuanced in recent years. ing.
from turning red to Everything at once, wherever you are (Going further back Joy Luck Club), The purpose of these popular media outlets is to show how Tiger parents can come from a really good position of wanting to provide their children with opportunities that they themselves didn't have.
But as many as those who claim the benefits this technology has brought to them share the impact of the immense pressure they felt from their tiger parents, which seems to continue to be felt today. .
Therefore, an important question remains unanswered: Does tiger parenting inherently make children more vulnerable to family abuse? It can be very difficult to distinguish where effective and unique parenting techniques end and child abuse begins. So how exactly do we begin to differentiate?
control lessons
Joel Navarez, a full-time college counselor at De La Salle University in Laguna, told Rappler that “there are some signs that tiger parenting has crossed into the realm of abuse.” Recognition of these signs may vary depending on cultural norms, but he cautions that some common indicators may be exhibited.
These include physical punishment that causes injury or harm to the child, lasting psychological harm such as humiliation and degradation, and isolation from friends and other social support systems. These are all signs that a tiger parent is venturing into abusive territory. A child living in constant fear of a parent can also be seen as a sign of abusive control.
These are common symptoms associated with child abuse, which is defined as “intentional harm or abuse.” [done] “To your child,” whether it’s by a co-worker or your own parent. This includes emotional abuse, such as undermining a child's self-esteem or well-being, and physical abuse, where the child is intentionally harmed or placed at risk of harm.
For 22-year-old Bianca, the first word that came to mind when talking about her tiger parents was “fear.” She spoke about her personal experience with her own tiger mother and how her upbringing continues to influence her to this day.
“I am grateful that my mother was practical and always there for my sister and me,” she wrote. “But we also have to admit that it comes at a cost.”
Bianca recalled how her mother was eager to help her with homework and quizzes. However, she ends up incurring her mother's wrath if she makes even one mistake in memorizing terminology or fails to understand her lessons quickly enough for her mother's liking. He was also prohibited from participating in certain extracurricular clubs that his mother believed would interfere with his studies, and was not allowed to have his grades below 90 or have his place on the honor roll changed.
Her mother told her:Paracaninobat? Para sa kin ba (Who is this for? Am I doing this for me?)
Based on her own experience, Bianca felt there was a “fine line” between raising tigers and child abuse. After all, her parents may not realize that their child is already hurt as a result of their actions. Her mother loosened her tight grip on Bianca as she grew older and entered high school, but her mother went too far in pushing her daughter to succeed in her studies. she believed.
“Without a doubt, I believe that [tiger parenting] It helps set kids up for success,” Bianca said. “But at what cost?”
Chai, 46, shared a similar experience. In her family, her father was the tiger parent. She said Ms. Chai was equally good at extracurricular activities such as declamation and oratory, but her father cared little about these achievements because she was not in core subjects such as math or science. Chai said.
As a result, she had a strong sense of being “controlled,'' which continues to manifest in her life in the form of not acknowledging the “weaknesses'' she perceives to be within herself. Told. Chai writes about how she believes it is important for parents to guide and guide the efforts of their children, especially those who have difficulty achieving their personal ambitions, especially considering that she was already in the upper grades. He said that he felt that the harshness he had experienced may have been excessive. she is a good student.
“I don't have any parents. [wishes] It harms children,” Chai said. But Chai acknowledged that when you think about extremes, you can see how high expectations placed on children can take a toll on them and their well-being for the rest of their lives.
Gabi*, 22, took a more adamant stance against tiger parenting, believing that an overemphasis on academic achievement was inherently harmful.
Gabi felt “frustrated” because she felt young children's potential was “wasted” due to the pressures she experienced at an early age, and that the process was actually counter to the outcome desired by the tiger parents. They argued that the effect was that children were rebelling and demanding more. As they grow up, they gain autonomy and independence.
For Gabi, no matter how a child is raised, there always remains a risk for the child's human being when it comes to being misguided (“Mapariwala”), Even if you have a tiger parent. The existence of this risk essentially invalidates the parenting style, he said.
It appears that it is in these extreme cases of tiger parenting that the effects may be more harmful than helpful. Research has shown that tiger parenting, with its focus on achievement and hard work, can cause children to develop high stress and anxiety, low self-esteem, and a crippling fear of failure. .
And while proponents of the technique believe it is effective, research is divided on whether tiger rearing produces the desired results in the first place. Some studies have found that the “demandingness” and “responsiveness” exhibited by tiger parents can have a positive impact on children's academic performance and cognitive and social-emotional skills. However, other research suggests that tiger parenting may actually be linked to lower GPAs. They have higher educational attainment than non-tiger parents.
Navarrez agreed that, taken to the extreme, there are “potential risks” posed by certain aspects of tiger parenting. Because this method is characterized by strictness and high expectations, in the worst cases, tiger parenting results in an unhealthy parent-child relationship, where the child experiences psychological distress and suffers long-term negative effects on self-esteem and overall psyche. There is a possibility. happiness.
However, he was careful to emphasize that raising a tiger is different from child abuse. Its validity and effectiveness depend largely on individual values, cultural background and beliefs about child development, he said.
Therefore, Mr. Navarez emphasized the importance of providing an opportunity to learn about effective and balanced parenting practices and setting parents up for success.
He also believed that early intervention was important so that early signs of distress could be detected as early as possible, especially through support systems such as school counselors, medical professionals, and child protective services.
In her book, author Chua also admitted that raising the tigers did not go well and the compromises she had to make since then. Reviews have described it as “a story of growth in which it is the parents themselves who come of age,'' and the film chronicles Chua's fierce and vicious struggle with her 13-year-old daughter Lulu. Her quest to make her a violin prodigy ultimately led Lulu to her victory – though not without her blood, sweat, and tears. I strongly disagree with her choice,” Chua wrote candidly.
What does it mean to be a “balanced parent”?
In this day and age, it is increasingly important for Asian and Asian American families to balance supporting their children's individuality with maintaining family connections. The fact that it has evolved and continues to evolve to this day shows that change.
Navarez believed that thoughtful consideration of children's individual needs within their own cultural upbringing should be given more consideration in the broader discussion of parenting styles.
Regardless of the parenting techniques parents adopt, Navarez writes, “The key is to approach parenting with an awareness of the child's individual needs and temperament, and a balance between setting expectations and providing emotional support.”
When it comes to raising children, there are no black and white answers. Being a parent is not an easy job, but being a child is no easy task either.
Parents are initially solely responsible for making the decisions that are best for their children, and they hold an immense responsibility in their hands, which is not always easy to discern. As Chua herself acknowledged, parenting well can sometimes mean going against the very principles we hold dear. For Lulu, it was the embodiment of oppression. ”
Whether you're a trap parent or not, it's clear that practicing balanced parenting is your best chance at building a meaningful and healthy relationship between parent and child. As you try to stay in touch with your loved ones, it's critical to remember that being kind, understanding, and empathetic may be the only way to keep your family safe.
After all, what really makes our children happy: what we think is good for our children, or what they think is good for themselves?
Apparently, the answer must always and inevitably – frustratingly – be somewhere in the middle. – Rappler.com
If you think you or a loved one may be a victim of abuse, please contact the Department of Social Welfare and Development's Makabata Helpline 1383.
*Names have been changed upon request and answers have been edited for clarity
Dana Villano is an intern at Rappler.
