I returned from Paris last night…
I ran into the house and wrapped the boys in bear hugs. They seem to have grown legs with each other since Tuesday, and it was a fun reunion.
For the next hour we ate tacos and hung out. Then I went into Mommy Mode™ and told her it was time to turn off the screen, shower, and get ready for bed. We were all exhausted and the following scene ensued.
“Can't we just play video games?” one of them asked.
“No, it's time for bed,” I answered.
“Come on, mom, please!?”
“No, honey, it's time for bed.”
And then I heard the dreaded words of an exhausted preteen. I hate you!”Then the bedroom door slammed shut.
As I stood in the hallway, my first thought was glum. Are you okay! I've done so much for you all, and I only left for 5 nights to avoid being away for too long, and even though I'm jetlagged and tired, I still I'm awake for you… I barged into my room and didn't say anything, hoping he would be in a bad mood and come looking for me, but maybe I did that dramatic approach with a friend in high school. I don't know.
But then! after that! ! I am reminded of this comment from CoJ reader Caroline: Let out a little stress and frustration without giving up on your expectations or results… They are listening to you and digesting your advice and restrictions on their own actions. ”
Of course, when my heart rate started to drop, I realized that I wasn't going to play mind games with my child. Sometimes he throws a tantrum or locks himself in the bathroom. I am a person with emotions, and so are my children (lol). But when everything settles down, I'll be an adult. They can now express great emotions around me and know that my love remains deep, steadfast, and unconditional.
So, he's 10 and I'm 44, so I went to his door and knocked.
“…Yes?” I heard a voice in my mind.
“Hello honey, I love you and I'm sorry you're upset. Do you want to spend time together or do you want some time alone?”
“I guess it’s time alone.”
“Okay, I'll stay in my room if you need me.”
A few minutes later he floated into my room, climbed onto my bed, and rested his head on my shoulder. And so that he could feel it in his bones, I said: I can deal with it. ” And then I added what my mother always told us: “There's nothing you can do or say that will make me love you any less.''
Oh, that's tough! To be honest, I'd like to write it down here so I don't forget. Life and relationships are complicated, even (especially?) between parents and children, and older children can be tempted to sulk and fight. But my goal (fingers crossed) is to try to lead with as much love and empathy as possible, especially on difficult days when everyone needs it the most. I am building that muscle and I hope to continue to strengthen it throughout their teenage years.
What are your thoughts? This is my first game for teens, so I'd love to hear what worked for you. Please share your insights below…
Update: Your comment is very wise and thoughtful, thank you!!!
PS 21 completely subjective rules for raising teenage girls and teenage boys.
(The photo is from the movie “Lady Bird”)
