There were times when I had a hard time growing up. I have been guilty of arguing with her, like her contemporaries, on more occasions than I can remember. I know I've asked her many times to “or else” follow her rules to me. Any parent knows who would be the clear winner in that battle, so I quickly learned to keep the ultimatum to myself.
Did anything else go wrong? I lectured her in the middle of a fight, reminded her of all the promises she made to me earlier, or just told her to calm down.
Lately, the parenting world has been abuzz with “co-regulation,” a rebranded parenting strategy aimed at helping kids manage their emotions.
new yorker describes it as “a caregiver's control over his or her emotional response when a child becomes agitated, thereby modeling the warm yet cool calmness that the child ultimately hopes to acquire.” .
The magazine says, “According to today's most prominent parenting experts, maintaining contagious calm is not only one of the top goals in parenting, but perhaps surpasses all other aspirations for families.'' is the only goal that springs from that,” he added. I call this the “holy grail of parenting.”
When I read this article, I realized that I have been practicing some version of co-regulation for some time. I call it RMF and I believe it is the single most important daily tool every parent needs.
RMF or Resting Mom Face never changes its “neutral to positive” look. My terminology was inspired by the more widely used “resting bitch face,” in which people judge expressionless faces, usually female faces, to be unfriendly or unfriendly. . By the way, researchers have found that celebrities such as Jennifer Aniston and Blake Lively have “neutral” facial expressions that are considered “happy.”
Rest Mom Face requires some effort to be successful. Think of it as mental face yoga. Smile lightly without crinkling your eyes and hold for 30 seconds. When confronting an angry child, tell them to relax their facial muscles. Imagine placing your fists flat against your skin and moving them rhythmically outward to smooth out the wrinkles on your forehead. Breathe in and breathe out. However, it's subtle and doesn't feel like a gasp or a sigh. Consciously erase all traces of alarm, irritation, surprise and criticism from your facial muscles. Say what you need to say now.
RMF is also helpful as young children become teenagers and then adults. Your children don't want you to judge their stories, their lives, their friends, their opinions. I realized that when I put on her RMF, keep my lips tightly sealed and hide the exclamation mark, my child can't stop sharing. Honestly, this strategy works for everyone, not just my teenagers.
