The father of two young daughters, married to a woman with a 16-year-old son, was unhappy with his son-in-law's “rude behavior” and took to Reddit to ask:
OP also offers a fascinating update a year later.
“AITA to set boundaries with son-in-law?”
I (47 m) have a son-in-law (16 m). In this post, I will refer to this son as “T”. I have been married to my wife (48th floor) for 2 years and have two daughters (7th floor and 9th floor) with my ex-husband.
Since the day T moved into my house, he's been nothing but rude. We understand that change can be difficult for children, especially such drastic changes (moving, having a new sibling or new parents), but there are some things children do that cross the line. there is.
For example, I wanted to give him the best opportunity, so I transferred him to a really great private high school when he moved.
He always complains that he doesn't like his new classmates, that the school is too far away (15 minutes further than his previous school, but almost nothing), and that he doesn't like the environment.
He doesn't understand that he will thank me later. I would have killed for an opportunity like this at his age!
Plus, he always breaks the rules we set. I asked him to give me his cell phone in the living room at 9pm to have some family time, but he said he wanted to talk to his old friends.
He always claims he doesn't like the food his mom or I make, even if he hasn't tried it. His mom and I try to have a date night once or twice a week, but he claims he's always too busy to see his stepsisters. We asked him for his social media account passwords many times and he refused to hand them over…and so on.
I'm tired of disrespect in my own home, so I've set some boundaries. Either he starts treating me with respect and listening to me, or he finds another place to live.
Of course I don't really want to kick him out, but I hope this gives him some fear. But her wife said I went too far and she needed to apologize and tell me she didn't mean it. Also, she would like to clarify a few things.
He did not change schools when he was 16 years old. I got him changed when he moved into my house when he was 14, so he's about halfway through his freshman year of high school.
Also, he knew about the change, we talked to him about it in advance. He wasn't excited, but he knew he was transferring. Anyway, I feel a little bad about my threat. But I feel like apologizing would undermine my authority. Ita?
Let's see what our readers first thought about this dilemma.
Nutmeshell writes:
Y.T.A. So you pulled this kid away from school and away from his friends and you're mad that he won't kiss your ass in appreciation. And you change all the rules he's ever known and get angry that he resists the changes.
You expect him to give up his social life to watch the kids so he can go out, but you can't understand why that makes him angry. He must not be serious.
Earlylight7 wrote:
Y.T.A. 9pm is absurdly early for a 16 year old. Especially since changing schools took away my friends. That's my limit with my much younger kids who see their friends all day long.
If he can afford to go to private school (which he didn't ask for or want) then he can afford to hire a babysitter. He didn't ask to be the parent of your child. You're being incredibly rude, so it's no wonder you hit back right away. I'm sure his social media is full of bad things about you. I guess so too.
Winterkiss writes:
Y.T.A. Threatening to kick him out over the slightest incivility is going too far and will damage your relationship and his trust in you. Apologize sincerely, explain your grievances, and be sincerely honest.
It also sounds like your son-in-law has been removed from everything he knows without much choice, even though he's almost an adult now. Was his alma mater a bad school?
While private schools may be “better,” it is possible to be highly successful with a public education. Did you discuss it with him before making this choice for him? He seems pretty upset, but he may have a good reason for doing so.
I would also like to add that your child is your child. Your son-in-law has no obligation to babysit. He is allowed to say no. Are you going to pay him?
And he is entitled to some privacy. I think asking for his social media passwords is kind of invasive. Maybe you could compromise on him having you or his mother on his friends list.
Loved 1 writes:
YTA, you're having a pissing contest with a depressed 16 year old. In some aspects you treat him like a child (you forced family time, took away his phone, gave up his social media passwords), but in others you treat him like an adult. I want you to be able to watch over your children.
This boy has no control over his life. You'll be thankful you're not him. So instead of expecting him to put himself in your shoes and appreciate it, why not try to put yourself in his shoes instead?
My mother was in the military, so we moved every three years, and each time I would cry and be in pain. Losing friends and joining a new family can be difficult. Especially when I come home to a bully stepfather.
badwildrose8 wrote:
YTA, he is 16 years old. This all sounds like his normal teenage rebellion. Are teens rude? What world do you live in? Please show respect! i dare you! I've never heard of such a thing. Don't you want to make “family time”? What do teenagers do?
Hey, if what you said matters that much to you, I'll trade you with my son-in-law any day. Your stepson is so well-behaved that I'm honestly jealous.
As a 16-year-old, it's natural to expect some privacy on social media and the like. Why do you think it's reasonable to treat him like a 5 year old? He's old enough to start treating him like a person who can make his own decisions. In fact, he should, because in two years he will be an adult babe. It's time for him to practice making his own choices and finding out the consequences himself.
If he doesn't want to babysit, he shouldn't have to. If he wants to do that, he has to get paid for it. They are not his children, he is not the parent, and you are. Since he lives there, he should do some chores, but if he really doesn't want to babysit the kids, it's not very cool to force him to do this chore. . Instead of bullying your son-in-law, be like a responsible parent and hire a sitter.
He may not thank you later for transferring him. In fact, he may hold a grudge against you for the rest of his life. 16 is the age when you have a say in which school you go to.
My parents were more strict than any of my friends, and when I finished 8th grade, they asked me which high school I wanted to go to (we went to a private elementary school, and I had two private high schools or a private high school). I was able to choose from 2 schools). Public school). Y.T.A.
OP initially responds with the following vulnerable update:
Update: Thank you to everyone who took the time to comment. I would also like to thank everyone for their helpful advice. I'm not here to be vindicated. I came to see if I was doing everything I could for my son-in-law, but clearly I wasn't.
I'm going to correct my mistake. I offer him the option of going back to school (although I understand it may be too late). And we will significantly ease the restrictions that we are under. place.
Plus, I'm going to sit down and apologize. I want him to know that he is cared for and that I was wrong. Sorry if I'm wrong, I've been lurking for a long time and created an account specifically to ask about this issue.
And a year later, OP is back with a second update.
A little over a year ago, I asked for advice on how to deal with my son-in-law. The comments tore me to shreds, and rightly so. For those who haven't read this post yet: After I imposed too strict rules on my son-in-law, I didn't feel that he respected my authority.
Several people have asked for updates, but I wanted to clear up one thing first. Many people thought I took an underprivileged child and put him in a school full of wealthy children. That couldn't be further from the truth.
Before we got married, he and his mother were very wealthy. We both have really good paying jobs and the only reason he went to public school was because the schools in our area were really great. The only reason he switched to private school was because it was his STEM school and he thought it would be beneficial for him.
Now, let's move on to the update. I felt sick reading the comments telling me what a terrible stepfather I was. Believe it or not, even though I was genuinely trying to do the right thing for him, I was beside myself with the realization that I had done more harm than good.
My son-in-law never knew his father, but I jumped at the chance to form a special father-son bond with him.
I relaxed many of the restrictions I had placed on myself. He doesn't have to let go of his phone anymore. We still have family time, but only once a week instead of every night. He has no more bedtime. His mother follows him on social media (I don't), but I don't ask for this password for anything anymore.
The only time I ever asked him to babysit was in an emergency, but to my surprise, now that I've stopped, he offers to babysit from time to time.
Regarding the school issue, he is still at the school we switched to. We had many long discussions about this very issue and finally he decided to finish his high school career at this school. Because while he wanted to see his friends, he recognized that this new school offered him the best opportunity to attend college. He really wants to attend.
Since all of this, my relationship with my son-in-law has improved dramatically. For his 17th birthday, we proposed to give him a car. He and I had a really fun time choosing the right car.
I've taken him to some of his favorite basketball games (and I enjoy learning about the sport from him). In fact, he had a girlfriend and came to me for dating advice, which he never would have had before.
Let me just say this: I am blessed with an incredibly smart, kind and caring stepson. Other children may not have been as forgiving, and that's to be expected. I encourage other stepparents to listen to their stepchildren instead of automatically trying to take over. You may not be as lucky as me.
Readers were shocked by OP's change of heart. please look!
Dr. Liz writes:
Good job, OP! It might be worth taking this lesson and clarifying it all Your children/stepchildren – you did something terrible, but it was out of compassion, you sincerely apologized and changed your behavior (This is important) And it was very helpful! Mistakes aren't the end of the world. It helps to change your mind, apologize, and admit your mistakes.
Relid writes:
I'm very happy to hear that the situation has improved. You might consider writing down your thoughts in a letter to your son-in-law for a high school graduation or other big celebration.
I know I made a mistake, I worked hard to repair the harm I caused, I'm so grateful that my son-in-law allowed me to make up for it, and I'm proud of the man. Just communicate it directly (not just through your actions). He became.
It looks like the OP is no longer a TA here. That being said, what do you think about this situation in general?
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