This is the latest catchphrase for parents. “Co-regulation”. It holds the key to a peaceful upbringing. Some people still can't believe it, like one exhausted media member who looked at me blankly and said: What is this foreign language? ” Another wisely replied: I don't know why not. ” A third replied: “Is it because we are all human?”
That's the problem and the solution.
Devyani Singh, a Dubai-based school teacher, recalls witnessing an endless day involving her colleagues and their 11-year-old son. The boy did not do well on the “mental arithmetic drill'' in class. He didn't want his mother to know, but unfortunately his mother took the notebook out of his bag. What followed was a shouting match in front of Shin, who was visiting at the time. His mother dropped him off at her room. However, he took out his bike, put on a small backpack and tried to set off on his bike, but he made it in time.
It was a tearful day, but a neighbor finally intervened. Singh explained that it took her friend several years to learn how to interact with her son. Just stay calm. “Before trying to understand her son, she had to work on herself because she's not a gentle person either,” Singh recalls.
Tracy Stewart, a Dubai-based psychologist, explains that when emotions are running high, we can forget that children are feeling things just as intensely, if not more so. So if someone takes away their toys or knocks over their building tower, they get angry.
Because of this kind of intensity, they are much more prone to reckless behavior. And I can't put into words exactly what I'm feeling. This causes them to throw tantrums, break things, scream, scream, and say things that make their parents angry.
Because they are exposed to waves of such strong emotions, they are “dysregulated,” she added. This happens when the part of the brain that deals with reason and logic becomes overwhelmed, forcing the child to act in a “dysregulated” state. At that point, you will find it difficult to reason with your child. I can't begin to discuss what exactly makes them act that way. In order for the child to calm down, it is also necessary to maintain an “infectious” state of calm.
Calming confusion with body signals
Your child will imitate your actions. And if you become more and more excited, the child will also become restless.
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How do you find calm in chaos? More specifically, as one harassed mother asked, how do you stay calm after your child keeps squealing because they didn't get the chocolate they wanted?
The truth behind co-regulation is that it requires two things. You and your child are on the same team. Both need to realize that. According to Dubai-based child psychologist Sneha John, children model your behavior. And if you become more and more excited, the child will also become restless.
She explains that upset is reflected in your body language, even if you don't actually say anything. “Your body sends signals like grinding your teeth, clenching your fists, tapping your foot impatiently on the ground, and rolling your eyes. Your child will sense that anger, and your anxiety will increase even more,” she says. .
Even if you don't actually say anything, your upset will be reflected in your body language. Your body sends signals like grinding your teeth or clenching your fists. Children will probably sense that frustration too…
– Sneha John, Child Psychologist, Medcare Kamali Clinic, Dubai
Instead, maintain eye contact. First, take a deep breath. John emphasizes that parents must first make sure their emotions are under control before dealing with their child. “Don't act impulsively. Yes, your child may say things that are very upsetting, so if you feel hurt, don't say anything at that point,” she says.
Huda Tabrez, a Gulf News journalist and mother of two, developed her own technique after researching different approaches shared by psychologists on Instagram. “I'm an impulsive person by nature. So I had to train myself not to be impulsive. So what helped me was an Instagram psychologist who explains the psychology of tantrums. I learned how much damage I can cause to them when I act impulsively. Only about one bad thing happens a day. It's a neurological change. “It can have a negative impact on a child's development,” she says.
“As a parent, you always want to find the mistakes that prevented you from growing into a well-disciplined person. I have a hard time controlling my emotions, so I teach my two daughters deep breathing exercises,” says Tabrez. added.
She tells them that it's okay to feel angry, but it's not okay to express it in a certain way. Additionally, she provides them with validation that even if they act a certain way, she will still love them. A sense of security that she was doing this on purpose. “Just saying, 'That's terrible,' and 'I can't believe that's possible,' can be very hurtful to children,” she explains. This is because children cannot understand such heavy emotions.
When Tabrez knows her daughter is feeling quite dysregulated, she tries to comfort her with physical touch, like a five- or 10-second hug. “Hugging, breathing together, and even gentle ear massages can also help children co-regulate,” she says.
don't use too many words
You can also calm your child by sitting next to them and providing reassurance with physical contact, such as hugs or cuddles.
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A child in the midst of a tantrum may not want to be told that they have too many emotions to deal with.
That might make them scream even more.
So, as Jon and Stewart advise, try not to use too many words when your child is in fight-or-flight mode. “Sometimes silence and silence can really help,” says John. You can also calm your child by sitting next to them and providing reassurance with physical contact, such as hugs or cuddles.
It gives them comfort and solace. Even if it's not an agreement, it's some kind of validation for them, Stewart said. Validation is a way to show acceptance. Let your child know that you understand and are not judging them, even if you disagree with what they say.
The difference between co-regulation and indifference
Some parents worry that this type of “gentle parenting” borders on indifference. But experts explain the difference. With co-regulation, John explains, you're dealing with your child's problems without getting furious yourself. Children know they are heard and seen. They'll feel it in your touch, your tone, and your eye contact.
Miranda Montgomery, an American clinical psychologist based in Dubai, says isolation is when a parent is just briskly walking in front of their child while they're having a storm on the sidewalk. . It's counterproductive and can actually cause more anxiety in your child. “Children begin to feel ignored and abandoned, so they may become more reckless, impulsive, and do dangerous things to get their parents' attention.” she says.
“To help parents work together, have weekly family meetings,” explains Dubai-based psychologist Priscilla Augustine. “You can do that with each other or with older children and assess where things are emotionally within your own relationships and family,” she says. Masu. “Family gatherings represent the cohesiveness of parents, and it is such strength that creates a sense of order and calm in the home as they tackle difficult issues in a non-confrontational environment,” she says.
“I'm not being chased by a bear.”
The five R's of parenting are relationships, reflection, regulation, rules, and restoration.
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When your child has a seizure, say the mantra, “I'm not being chased by a bear.”
Aliza Pressman, an American developmental psychologist who wrote a recent book, “The 5 Principles of Parenting,'' outlines why this mantra is necessary. She describes her five “R's” which include relationships, reflection, regulation, rules, and restoration. We all need the “elusive” sixth R: Resilience. So when a child screams, kicks, or paces around in the middle of the night, it can trigger the fight-or-flight response in adults.
In these situations, your autonomic nervous system may begin to function as if you were being chased by a bear, so press the button to remind yourself that you're not being chased by a bear. Mann advises. Then the child will gradually understand that the parent is not rattling. The “emotional data center,” she writes, will begin to synthesize a blueprint for holding the person together in times of distress. “The amazing thing about co-regulation is that your child can literally borrow your nervous system to calm down,” Pressman added.
And the child will learn to regulate with you. “The goal of parenting is not to change behavior, but to instill character,” says Augustine. “To achieve the outcomes we want for our children, we as parents need to embody healthy regulation ourselves,” she says.
