There are many practical considerations before having a child. How much time do I need to take off from work? Can my family help with childcare? How much does childbirth actually cost?
It's important to know these answers, but just because you're financially ready to have a baby doesn't mean you're emotionally ready, says developmental psychologist and Mt. says Aliza Pressman, co-founder of the Parenting Center and author of a forthcoming book. “Her Five Principles of Parenting: An Essential Guide to Raising Good Human Beings”
Pressman says you should ask yourself two questions before having a child: “What do I value?” “What does this family value?”
“When we don't define our values, we and our children become more susceptible to peer pressure, social media influence, and extreme groupthink,” Pressman says. “With clear values, we can make decisions with more confidence and clarity.”
Here's how to narrow down your values and determine what role you want them to play in your child's life.
Spend a few days brainstorming what you want to prioritize as a family. If you have a partner, ask them to do the same.
“Do you admire hard work above all else?” Pressman says. “Kindness? Intelligence? You can't go wrong here. That's why there's no one-size-fits-all answer to parenting.”
If you're having trouble identifying your values, Pressman offers some questions to help you.
- Think about the big choices you've made in your life. What prompted you to make that choice?
- Also think about three people you admire. What do you appreciate about them?
- When your children talk to their great-grandchildren about you, how do you want them to describe you?
Write down everything that comes to mind.
“Some people may find it easier to focus on three to five values, but if this exercise generates a lot of ideas, go for it,” says Pressman. Masu. “Make a long list, preferably filling an entire page in your diary.”
Some people find it easier to focus on three to five values, but if this exercise generates a lot of ideas, go for it.
Ariza Pressman
developmental psychologist
Many of the values listed may be based on the same concept. For example, let's say you value traveling and going to restaurants. The most important theme here may be that you want your children to have independence and be open to new experiences.
“Perhaps when you mention money, we know that you value comfort and peace of mind on a deeper level,” says Pressman. “If so, please name those underlying values.”
Write down these concepts and decide if you are now in an environment where you can raise your children based on these values.
Remember that as your child grows and changes, your values may change as well.
“We're not talking about setting anything in stone because family values can change over time,” Pressman says. “We're just talking about creating guidelines that make sense to us in a world full of noisy and often conflicting opinions.”
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