His younger brother also likes screens and counts how much each child can use each screen. His brother has a lot of free time, so he is always complaining and lashing out. Once the screen time is over, both of them often become dysregulated and start arguing. I've considered eliminating screens completely, but I feel like that would be unfair to my older son. help!
answer: Welcome to parenting in 2024. Technology and parenting are cruel. There's no way around it, and I'm thinking of you. You'd buy 100 books to learn how to manage it, but the reality is that managing your child's technology use is difficult.
There was a time when going tech-free was an option for many families, but those days are gone (in no small part due to the pandemic). Even elementary school students are expected to use laptops for homework and communication, and children's social lives are further tied to texting, video games, and social media. And your eldest son is not wrong, his friends are probably not around. Children no longer just roam the streets. They are active at practices, after-school activities, and of course online.
Considering our culture, the addictive nature of screens, and how tiring it is to keep tabs on ever-changing technology, your kids are, of course, using screens too much. What should I do about it?First the rules teeth It will be different for each child and that's it. Being “fair” within a family does not mean that everyone gets everything equally. It is developmentally inappropriate.
The best way to deal with these differences is to set boundaries as a parent. If you have a partner, have a meeting and start talking about what you want for your family. How does technology contribute to fun and connection? Where does it cause meltdowns, arguments, and disconnections? How do you want your children to use screens? What are the appropriate boundaries given their age and maturity?
Once you've established your boundaries more clearly, you can write down a “never” or “rarely” list in advance and share it with your sons. Things like “charging my devices in my bedroom,” “using social media before 1 p.m.,” and “playing games after 8 p.m.” It's to your benefit not to have too many “never's”. A long list of things you won't allow will cut off communication, so be specific and firm.
Next, create rules for 12-year-olds and rules for 9-year-olds. You can hold a meeting with both children, or he can hold a meeting and discuss one at a time. If you want them to be the same, that's great, but “When you're 12, you get to play more games…just like when your older brother gets older, you get more freedom!” You can keep saying it. You can explain that it is not developmentally appropriate to apply the same rules to both children, and promise to give your 9-year-old access to them as they grow. He will probably object to these rules, no matter how reasonable. It is best to view the creation of these rules as a series. Monday night he thinks about games, Wednesday night he thinks about YouTube, and so on. It may be too much to address all the rules in one meeting.
Be prepared for eye rolls, pushback, and other consequences. If everyone agrees to “play games after homework,” but the homework isn't done, be prepared to let your child know you'll take away their game console or laptop. This means you're going to run into a horrible mess (at worst) or excuses (at best), so being firm and friendly is the way forward. Don't take seizures personally. It's because their brains are used to boundaries. It's time consuming and rarely comes out clean.
I also think it's important to focus on the fun of the game and how to get more of your child's friends into the game. Is there a way to host a game gathering? Buy all the snacks and invite the kids to spend time together. This way, you can monitor the trash talk, meet their friends, and have them do something else in nature (shoot hoops, walk to your girlfriend's CVS to get candy, make food, etc.) ). Think about technology rules, game party ideas, and what might be fun when you're meeting kids. Children are the best source of ideas here.
Finally, let's enter the world of games and screens and your children. The more enthusiasm and interest you have, the less conflict there will be. Children are more supportive of adults when they feel excited and invested in what they like. Games and videos may not be your thing, but he doesn't mind cheating for an hour a week. And remember, joy is contagious! Your child will be happy to explain complex games, and that joy will touch your heart.
The discussion about screen use continues until they leave the house. This is an exhausting reality of parenting today, but if you embrace technology as a tool for connection and fun, you're more likely to teach your child how to use it safely. Good luck.
