The problem is our combined stress. I'm constantly nervous about my pregnancy, can't sleep, and ask “Are you feeling sick?” a million times a day. “Do your breasts hurt?” “Are you tired?” etc., basically confirming that she still feels pregnant. It's starting to get to her.
Of course she's nervous too. She experienced all the pain and the physical manifestations of loss. I was just there to have a bad ride.
She, understandably, believes that this time I need to “be strong for both of us.” But it's easier said than done, but every time she's fine, or she's hungry, or she's not in pain, I get worried that the worst will happen again. Any advice on how to be able to fake at least some strength here?
— Not that strong in DC
Not so strong in DC: First of all, congratulations. This is great news. I understand that you are preparing for a catastrophic development. But expecting bad news doesn't prevent bad news from happening or make you less vulnerable when it comes.
Remember this often, especially when asking your wife how she feels. Saying things like “Are you feeling sick?” does not make you “convinced” of anything. She's just checking to see if she feels she's still pregnant, and that's a completely different thing. Keep the obvious in mind. None of your questions have a positive impact on the pregnancy itself.
And while it may feel like torture, the powerlessness of being unable to prevent the worst, try to see it as a release instead. There is no pressure to make this happen. It's not up to you anymore.
This will allow you to focus on what you can do. Provide distractions for you and your wife, such as buying and preparing healthy food, doing laundry, watching movies, exhibits, or games, hiking local trails, or meeting with friends. You can also plan things that will cause your children to scatter. You can work on home projects that aren't specifically for babies, but can help you prepare, like building shelves or cleaning out your closet.
In other words, give yourself clear education about what you can and cannot control, and put that education into practice. Keep your hands and mind occupied with things other than things you can't control, like the ever-changing health of your wife. If that proves to be impossible, seek outside help to ease your anxiety and sadness.
Either way, you can also focus your mind on something more positive and productive. Say “we're okay” privately to yourself and out loud to his wife. Because no matter what happens with your pregnancy, as long as you take care of each other throughout this period, you'll be fine.
