How Katie Regan, 49, has spent the past 19 years co-parenting her son Fergus and friend Louis Quail negotiating an unconventional family structure, and it turned out better than she expected. I'll tell you why.
My son Fergus started university in September. His father Louis and I drove him out to the hall of the residence and, like thousands of parents, we hugged him goodbye and after a few tears (well, I cried too). , then we had a celebratory dinner saying “I'm done here” and drove home. .
It was one of the many milestones in Fergus' life that we have shared together as his mother and father. However, we are not a couple, nor are we married, nor are we divorced or separated.
Louis and I are best friends and co-parents. And it was the surprise of my life that this became the most successful relationship I've ever had.
platonic parenting
Historically, you may have thought of “co-parenting” as divorced or separated parents sharing custody and care of their children.
But these days, it's no longer just something ex-lovers do. Co-parenting means having and raising a child with someone who doesn't have a romantic relationship on the agenda.
There was definitely an attraction, but for both of us, it just didn't feel physical.
In other words, platonic parenting means sharing all the parenting without sharing a bed. There are also websites that match you with people who want to co-parent. Some might argue that these sites offer no more or less than the transactional services offered by sperm banks (in fact, some may say that's all they want).
But for Louis and I, co-parenting was about making an emotional commitment and investment not only in our child and us as a parenting partnership, but also in our friendship.
In the 19 years of Fergus's life, I feel that we have become better parents and better friends as a result of co-parenting.
how we met
I never dreamed it would go this well. I was 27 and Louis was 34 when we met at work. He was a photographer with whom I worked in journalism. And it was friendship at first sight. We hit it off right away.
There was definitely an attraction, but for both of us, it just didn't feel physical. However, relationships between opposite sexes are rarely, if ever, so black and white. The gray area always seems to come in at some point – it's just us and this is what we ended up babying.
Co-parenting means making an emotional commitment and investment not only to us and our child as a parenting partnership, but also to our friendship.
This was over 20 years ago, and we became very close, so I think we both felt that with practice, romantic feelings would develop. But we weren't officially dating, nor were we on consistent birth control.
Since then, I've thought many times that I must have felt that getting pregnant wasn't the worst-case scenario and that this man would be a great father. It turns out I was right.
anxiety about the future
However, when I found out I was pregnant in March 2004 at the age of 29, I wasn't shocked, I was filled with anxiety.
By that time we had decided to get along better as friends and I was worried about how I would cope while living alone with a baby. How will the fact that Louis and I are not “together” affect our child's life? How will it affect our relationship?
I was living alone with a baby and was worried about how I would manage. How will the fact that Louis and I are not “together” affect my child’s life?
I've heard that the first year of parenting is the hardest for couples. Many do not survive, but most likely they were initially in a romantic relationship. Will Louis and I's friendship work without the glue of sex and romance?
I valued it so much that I didn't want to think that it might not be that way, but my biggest fear was that we would end up that way. Warring ex-lovers, children delivered to the other person's doorstep, but there was no first bit of marital bliss.
It turns out I underestimated us.
We both wanted a baby so badly that we wanted to share childcare duties equally. We don't have mom or dad on the weekends. There is no “primary caregiver.” All that mattered was that our baby was loved by two parents. It didn't matter that we weren't a couple.
make it work
Louis and I lived together for the first eight months after Fergus was born, mainly for practical support, and our plans never changed.
I bought an apartment – which happened to be across the street from Louis – and from the beginning we divided our care into half the week and alternating Saturdays.
As close co-parents as opposed to divorced parents, our friends often comment that we're like a couple, even down to our arguments. The difference is that I get to go home.
But there was never a “fixed” time. We were in and out of each other's houses, and even if it wasn't “our day” with Fergus, I would probably stop by to read her a bedtime story to pass the time. there was. Because while we may be parents now, we were also friends.
Nineteen years later, the arrangement is much the same when Fergus returns from university, although Louis now comes over to play chess with Fergus and have dinner instead of bedtime stories. There is.
We spend a lot of time as a family, go on vacations, and always spend Christmas together.
It hasn't always been smooth sailing – What is parenting? Like any family, we don't always see eye to eye on parenting styles or arguments, but like me, my son I feel so lucky to have shared the experience of raising my son with the only person in the world who loves me. Our bond has become incredibly deep.
We don't have to worry about the spark going out. And importantly, so does Fergus. We have never been a couple so he didn't have to worry about us breaking up.
And that applies to the good times as well as the difficult times, like falling outs, teenage angst, and a shared pride in him as a person.
I think one of the reasons it worked so well is because we have a strong foundation of friendship and trust.
financial arrangements
For example, we have always shared child support for Fergus. Obviously, maintaining two homes is one of the downsides of co-parenting. But Louis and I have always helped each other financially when needed. The idea is that it's important to keep a comfortable roof over your child's head.
When Fergus was three we moved from London to Berkhamsted. In my words, we were “together” and our house was a 20 minute walk away.
Fergus started school soon after we arrived. Since we were in the same school district, we made mutual friends and joined the same social circles. As close co-parents as opposed to divorced parents, our friends often comment that we're like a couple, even down to our arguments.
The difference is that we can go back to our homes. Many of my friends joke that we have the perfect setup. There may not be a romantic mini-break, but there's no need to worry about the glow fading. And importantly, so is Fergus. We have never been a couple so he didn't have to worry about us breaking up.
I feel like Louis and I have an appreciation for each other, but some friends report that it has waned over the years of our marriage.
I feel like Louis and I have an appreciation for each other, but some friends report that it has waned over the years of our marriage.
Perhaps this is because we don't feel pressured to have sex. This allows you to safely enjoy your friendship without the risk of either of you feeling sexually rejected.
Other partners
We have been in relationships with each other for the past 20 years, but we are both currently single. Undoubtedly, being too close to your co-parent can be a threat to your significant other. But as we see other people in situations more complicated than ours (blended families, bitter ex-lovers and stepchildren), we simply haven't met the right person. It may be only.
In fact, I think it would be very difficult to find someone who gets along with each other as much as we do with each other and see each other's physical glow. Especially at our age.
“Do you think we would have been such good friends if I hadn't gotten pregnant?” That's a question we've asked each other over the years.
I think the answer is probably the fact that we are still together almost every day, even though Fergus is away at university. I feel like we are closer friends than ever before.
