Forgive me for the crocodile tears, Gisele! She cries on camera and takes swipes at co-parenting Tom Brady…all to promote her new cookbook. But why is Maureen Callahan so coy about her new relationship timeline?

Gwyneth Paltrow walked like Gisele Bundchen could run.

In an opinionated and pretentious new interview with ABC News, the now 43-year-old woman, once the world's highest-paid supermodel, plays the victim while demanding our admiration.

Hey, she's just living her truth, don't you know?

On her journey, Gisele climbs a metaphorical mountain in search of her most authentic self. That's the ridiculous title of this soft-focus tongue bath, “Climb the Mountain.” While she sidesteps her questions about her current love life, she explores her spiritual valley. She may or may not have existed before her divorce from Tom Brady.

She also has a new cookbook to promote. The title “Nourish'' was sold by a woman who once lived on only alcohol, cigarettes, coffee, and oxygen.

Those who have overcome similar vices, take note. Gisele quits her vices better than you.

Her doctor asked her, “Do you want to live?” “In one day, I gave up smoking, coffee, and alcohol,” she told Roberts.

Sounds hyperbolic. How old was she – 30? But Gisele doubles.

“I live my truth and I make no apologies for it,” she says. Whatever that means.

It gives off Gwyneth vibes, with the former actress promoting her own “fasting diet,” IV sex, “intuitive fasting” and something called “rectal ozone therapy” while enjoying cookbooks and wellness. All are patterned.

ABC's Robin Roberts should be embarrassed. This is a so-called journalist asking Gisele questions as if she were breaking real news. You and I, the hoi polloi who intended to lay our dirty little hands on this elegant cookbook (list price $31.50), truly cherish it.

Roberts: “I hear you're starting to include a little more meat in your diet.”

Bündchen: “Yes! That was all part of my journey.”

Solid food as self-actualization. Only the 1% of Gramazonians would be ignorant enough to say something like this.

Breaking news for Bundchen. The average American woman, especially one who is a mother, is having a hard time.

Their schedules don't allow them to go to the local farmers market every day, even if they live nearby. They are lucky if they can afford to put gas in their car and pay their electricity bill. Having enough energy to help the kids with their homework while keeping the house clean.

They live on 7.5 acres north of Miami, with custom-built stables for multiple thoroughbreds, an oak tree that provides respite for daily meditation, and the promise of growing your own food in the backyard. I don't live on a huge ranch.

“I'm a farmer,” says Gisele, dressed as an equestrian. of course.

We open with this reborn supermodel wandering into a photoshoot, giving air kisses and chatting about finding herself while shining a laser at a box of cupcakes.

Stylist, hair and makeup artist, photographer, everyone ah and ah.

“I think you should eat this after this,” Gisele says.

The crew is drooling, but Gisele is undaunted. Even with the small dogs she is cradling, she never barks or whines and shows total self-control.

“For dessert,” Gisele instructed. “You can have this after lunch.” [then]. ”

It seems Tom Brady wasn't the only control freak in that marriage.

And that brings me to the crux of this interview. Gisele trades this glorified infomercial for a glistening outpouring of her own personal pain. The golden couple, a quarterback and a supermodel, have divorced after pushing their ostensibly super-perfect family out of America's place. Esophagus for many years.

Roberts: “I believe the phrase you used was 'dream death'?”

Bündchen: “Well, if you say…”

She shook her head and squeezed out the tears.

Who expected this question to come? Above all, one of the most media-savvy celebrities, she's been famous since she was 18 years old.

“Sorry, guys, I didn't know.” Gisele raises her hands and turns away from the camera. She can't do that.

“Can I have a moment?”

Then, taking her own breath, she reenacted an interview she gave with Vanity Fair in 2023, in which she evoked “the death of my dreams” in a cracking voice, nearly tearing up. “After a few yoga-like inhales and exhales,” he resumed his feelings. Her story, her “truth,” just as she does to Roberts.

you know what? If authenticity is the name of the game, get the real thing.

Here's what wasn't covered in this ABC News interview, conducted under the once-respected “Nightline” banner:

The messy beginning of Brady and Bündchen's romance collided with the pregnancy of Brady's ex, Bridget Moynahan.

Tom and Gisele are big backers of FTX, the fraudulent cryptocurrency scheme that sent its founder Sam Bankman Fried to prison.

And what about Gisele's secret plastic surgery, which was caught and uncovered by paparazzi wearing a burqa to disguise herself?

Or maybe it was her then-husband's trip to Las Vegas with Ben Affleck. Affleck's nanny was photographed wearing four of Brady's Super Bowl rings. (This was apparently the last straw for Affleck's then-wife Jennifer Garner, who broke up with him just three days later.)

Oh, and let's not forget Gisele's Jiu-Jitsu instructor. She is said to have been in a relationship for years.

She had long denied being romantically involved with Gisele, until on February 16, DailyMail.com published an exclusive video of Gisele and her instructor kissing.

Sources say Brady has since “accepted” that their relationship began “years ago”, long before they divorced in 2022 after 13 years of marriage.

But Bündchen plays dumb to Roberts, a single mother who doesn't know if she'll ever be able to “open up again.”

“I feel like right now,” Gisele says, “my priority is my kids and creating this beautiful sanctuary.”

Still, Gisele told Roberts, “Some days are easier than others. I can only control my actions.”

Just when you might feel sympathy for Brady, he also brings the kids into this problem.

After the interview, a source said he was “scared” of getting divorced and repeating the “stress” of raising children with another ex-partner.

“Tom would actually agree that co-parenting hasn't been easy,” the source said. “There was a lot of love lost in their relationship.”

oh. What if these two gave their children presents and stopped talking about it?

Bundchen has been devoted to raising her son-in-law, Jack, and continues to claim him as her own. “I raised him,” she tells Roberts.

His mother would disagree.

Again, unfortunately, all of this reminds us of Gwyneth, who was once again publicly unhappy about her two young stepchildren this week.

At the International Women's Day Summit in Los Angeles, she told the crowd that being a stepmother is “a big deal.”

This is the problem with living in your truth. It leaves no room for anyone else, not even innocent children.

“At the end of the day, you have to be true to who you are to make it work,” Bündchen tells Roberts.

That's at least one thing she's right about. Beware of a pseudo-shaman named Giselle. Please heal yourself.