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A few days after my first birth, I was nervously sitting on the toilet and wondering why no one had told me how scary and truly terrifying it was to go to the bathroom after a vaginal birth with stitches. I was asking myself. In that desperate moment, I thought: Only me? Perhaps this is easy for others? Of course not. However, amidst all the useless advice like “sleep when the baby sleeps”, no one mentioned this horrible moment to me, and that's exactly what I needed to ask. I had no idea.
And yet, when I share that I've had a baby, both online and in person, parents are instantly bombarded with all the things they really need to know but don't know until they know, from how to survive the bathroom to how to deal with a congested newborn. He offered his experience and advice on everything. Mustard-colored stains on laundry from diaper blowouts. It was like having the Rosetta Stone for motherhood in my phone.
But what if you're curious about the nitty-gritty details of childbirth, the messy truth about preserving your identity as a parent, and much more? hard part What about parenting before the child is born? Or what if you don't have a network of parents around you? My goal in this column is to expose all aspects of parenting, including the worst. So I made the call, hoping to share some of the information I've gathered since that bathroom nightmare many years ago. She took questions on Twitter and Instagram and answered a few while nursing her newborn on her lap.
After giving birth to my first child, I knew I wanted to have another child, but I was terrified of the prospect of having another child. I wasn't sure if I would be able to love another child as much as I loved my first. I was terrified of the process of managing a toddler and baby. And I didn't know how it would affect my relationship with my husband. All of these were fears that were nothing more than fears in the abstract. It felt like the fear I felt, the fear of what-if scenarios. Assumption Not based on experience, but having. What I had to focus on was actually preparing for the transition in a tangible way.
So we moved closer to family and friends. I knew I couldn't do it with two, considering I was barely surviving with one child and no real community. That was especially important to my son, who was 2 years old at the time. Because when the baby arrived, his family stepped in to make sure he wasn't lost in the chaos of a newborn birth and was still living one-on-one. Focus all at once. When I was pregnant, we also talked a lot about who was in our family, listing all the grandparents, aunts and uncles, and included the unborn baby in every conversation as often as possible. I used her name. At one point, I drew her family tree that included her and put it on her refrigerator so we all looked at it every day. In this way, her arrival seemed inevitable rather than sudden.
After my daughter was born, the biggest change was in the way my husband and I divided responsibilities. Triage has become more important when raising children. What is your biggest emergency? Who can handle it while other emergencies are being handled in the waiting room? At first, we did much of the baby care together. With the second, her husband ended up spending most of the day with the toddler while I was with the newborn. Then, as the baby grew and naturally transitioned into daily life, we went back to doing most things together, and it wasn't long before the kids separated from us and became their own unit.
But we're going from 2 to 3, so let's see what happens.
In fact, the biggest change has been how much more confident I have become as a parent to my second child, and how much more relaxed I am in the way I approach things like sleeping and eating. is. With my first child, I was rigid about certain parenting dogma, such as gentle parenting and baby-led weaning. And after having my second child, I realized how unimportant it was for me to adhere to that parenting scripture. Otherwise, try to keep your time and attention as fair as possible, understanding that each child has specific vulnerabilities and strengths and requires a different approach.
Talk to single parents, especially single parents who may not have a co-parent to share responsibilities and time with. Then evaluate your network. If I have an emergency or have to run to a last-minute appointment, who can I call to watch over my child? Many decisions about having children are emotional, but the truth is, it's about logistics, what you can definitely control, and who can realistically support you through it. It doesn't matter if you're doing it alone or not. I have many friends who are at the crossroads of whether or not to have children. Faced with the reality that if they want to have a baby, they will probably have to make it themselves, and most of them decide not to have a baby. But I also know one amazing parent who has a great care network, loves not having to compromise on their parenting style or approach, and can't imagine parenting any other way.
I have traveled by car with newborns and toddlers more times than is reasonable and sane. So my first piece of advice is, can you get me on a plane? But if you insist, I always leave early in the day, ideally before 6 a.m., and let the kids sleep during the first big trip. That way, by the time you have a proper breakfast and her second cup of coffee, the work is already done. They had been traveling for at least a few hours.
Inside the car, there's a seat cover with a million different pockets that kids can access on their own (well, at least toddlers can), and each of those pockets can hold toys, activities, snacks, extra clothing, I'm packing baby wipes. (Bring more snacks than you think is reasonable; they'll all be eaten.) You'll be feeding your newborn often, so just in case your rest stop is more than a few hours away. Know where you can park your car. . Make sure you have at least two playlists on hand, one of which just has “Let It Go” on repeat.
And finally, both infants and newborns will have many moments of crying. I don't mean little moans and cries, but rather howls and cries from the depths of the not-yet-tormented soul. You won't be able to pull over and stop for a while, so practice meditation now so you have a place to go spiritually and mentally when that happens. Good luck!
Well, that is of That's a question, right?What I'm afraid of is that you won't be. you After you become a parent, the reality is that both you and your baby are, in a sense, still being born. But that doesn't mean we don't feel like we've lost something essential and necessary about ourselves, especially when our first child is born.
Shortly after giving birth to my first son in 2017, I felt both sadness and anxiety about what I had lost. I was completely shaken by the emotional and physical changes in my postpartum life. My body was unrecognizable to me, I didn't even know who I was when I wasn't working, and I was having trouble getting in touch with friends right away. But as I physically recovered from childbirth, got more sleep, and established a routine with my baby, I was able to see with clear eyes both what I thought I had lost and what I had gained. is completed. I asked myself why I felt like I had to change because of this monumental and fundamentally changing experience.why should Am I still my “old self”?
Now, as a mother of three children, I think I have to rebuild my sense of self every time (with a third on the way). Each time, I was able to question who I thought I was and who I wanted to be. , and in the process I think I came out as more myself From before.
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