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Dear care and food,
When we got married 16 years ago, we both said we wanted a family. I really wanted a child because I lost one from my previous marriage. Now we have two girls, ages 11 and 14, and I love them more than life itself. The problem was that I realized that my wife liked the idea of family and motherhood much more than the reality.
I am the main breadwinner in my family and work 55 hours a week, while she works 2-3 days a week. Most of the household chores, except for laundry and preparing the children's school lunches, all other meal preparation, housekeeping, most transportation to and from the children's activities, help with homework, paying the bills, and maintaining the household finances. I will do it. I was raised by an amazing single mother (and a pioneering scientist!). The only parenting model I know is to get serious about parenting.
If everything else was normal in my home, I wouldn't be bothered by inequality. The problem is that as the daughters grow from young children to teens to teens, conflicts between them and their wives have turned their home into an emotional war zone. My wife is incredibly passionate and specific about how girls should behave and behave, and is always critical and on the verge of lashing out. The girls get very high grades in school, stay out of trouble, help around the house like any other young children, and are generally surprisingly well-behaved.
This conflict also affected my relationship with my wife, who became hostile towards me whenever I defended my daughters or put myself between them. I suggested family counseling to her, but she is very dismissive of the idea and derides counselors as pseudo-experts who can't tell her anything she doesn't already know. My eldest daughter wants me to divorce my wife, but I am worried about the effect on my second daughter, who is close to my wife.
Things went south over Labor Day weekend, and after another fight with my daughters, my wife declared that she could no longer be my wife or parent to my daughters. She announced that she had booked a hotel and was leaving. My youngest daughter was distraught at the idea of losing her mother, but my oldest daughter and I managed to calm her down and convince my wife to stay. In recent months, life has become worse than ever, and now my youngest daughter is just as angry as my eldest, and she tells me she's sorry her mother never left. He gave it to me.
I know how much divorce affects children, and from my mother's example I know very well how difficult it is to raise children alone. I don't have any family nearby, and I've always put on a happy family face outside the home to protect my wife's reputation. My wife is a very proud person, so if she leaves home, she probably won't come back. If my wife abandoned our family because she couldn't handle normal teenage behavior, I don't think I would be able to forgive her either.
I wish I could have a normal and peaceful family life, with normal ups and downs. I worry about how difficult and tragic it would be for my daughters if there was a hostile divorce. I know this is a somewhat gender-swapped scenario, but I'm at a loss as to what to do and how to move toward a future where my daughters are safe, happy, secure, and have more peaceful lives. I am. . What advice do you have?
– try to keep it together
Dear Mr. Trying
My advice is to get divorced!
Adversarial divorce is unfortunate, but essentially it's “harder” than having to burden yourself and your children with a family member who abuses everyone, threatens to walk out, doesn't do any housework, and is just generally the worst. Not that it's tragic. This is true regardless of the gender of the spouse.
So get a lawyer, resolve all financial issues, document her abuse, and end this terrible marriage. If you don't feel ready yet, tell your wife that if you want to save your marriage, she needs to get over her aversion to counselors and attend family therapy with you. Either way, this might cause her to get up and leave, but at least you tried.
The caveat is that now you feel like your children are on your side, and that gives you the courage to do what you need to do. You should not expect this to always be the case throughout the divorce process. They may blame you as much as they blame their mother. Be prepared for that certainty and don't make decisions based on the currently revealed preferences of teenagers and twenty-somethings. Think based on the evidence of your eyes and ears, and the fear that your family will be going through the same thing for another six or seven years.
Dear care and food,
I don't know how to discuss parenting issues with my wife. She's a medical professional and I'm a tech geek. We use a gentle parenting approach that sets boundaries and enforces them. The problem is that she sets stricter boundaries than I do and I have to enforce them. I think she's a little more authoritarian and I tend to lean more towards permissive. I want to meet her halfway, but I get really annoyed when she insists she's right, and I have to wipe my tears. For example, she forces the children to rinse their nose with saline, but then, crying, hands them to me and says it's their turn to go to bed. How should I approach this?
– tolerant parent
Dear generous people
sorry Also I may be an authoritarian here, but the answer is very clear. please talk to her. Tell them that you feel forced to make parenting choices that you don't agree with, and that you want to find a compromise that works for both of you. Have three or four specific household rules you would like to loosen. It probably includes forced nasal rinsing, which is a lot.
And if she won't budge, perhaps because of her medical training, remind her that you are. both And if one person in the family doesn't agree with the choice, it's not a partnership. in the end, parents simply partner Letters have been rearranged (R is missing). I invented that saying, but you can use it, she won't like it.
Dear care and food,
My ex-wife and I have two daughters, ages 13 and 16. I live in another state and have my daughters over for summer break, spring break, Thanksgiving, and every other Christmas. We have maintained this schedule for the past five years. My ex-wife has always continued to feel bitter and resentful towards me whenever we have attempted to co-parent. I've maintained a high standard in all communications, whether it's email or text messages. So if my kids or anyone reads it, they'll see that I'm trying to be rational and level-headed. I have always tried to clear my ex-wife of any suspicions regarding the circumstances in which they were placed in their custody.
Recently, through my daughters, I realized that my ex-wife and her family don't have very good things to say about my current wife and me. They openly oppose everything the girls do when they stay with us and badmouth us at every turn. It breaks my heart to hear this because raising these girls is hard enough considering the distance between us. I tried to talk to my ex about this, but I was met with nasty comments and outright disrespect.
I hope that my daughters will eventually understand that their mother was lying and that my wife and I are not the kind of people who would be fooled by their mother, but I hope that my children will understand. I'm frustrated that I have to wait until I'm older. Let things be. I'm worried that it's having a negative effect on my relationship with them. We've already been to court twice to fix custody details, but when I bring up how she's talking about me and my wife, she just says, “I don't agree with the contract when it comes to her family.'' It wasn't mentioned in the book and they just told us they could talk about us whatever they wanted.
She has proven to be unreasonable over the past five years and it seems like things are only going to get worse. I don't know how to handle this situation. I love my daughters dearly, but my ex-wife doesn't respect my determination and drive to be a good father, and that's causing long-term damage. Do you have any advice?
–Embarrassment in PA
Dear confused people
Wow, dads are really having a hard time this week, aren't they? I'm happy to submit some letters from my dad. It's great that you care so much about your children's situation and are asking for help.
Now, I hope all of the fathers who wrote this article this week are living with the possibility that they may not be as completely innocent as they believe. (I mean, I wish every person on the planet lived up to that possibility, but especially dads.) I'm confused, but what happened 5 years ago that caused your wife to be in the current marriage? I don't know why she felt so bitter about life, but these could be ongoing issues for her, even years later. Also, your wife may perceive your communication as condescending or arrogant, even though you're trying to be reasonable and calm. Please keep that in mind.
That aside, I agree that it is never good for a child for one parent to badmouth the other, no matter what has happened in the past. Consider sending her this study published by researchers at Northwestern University. Children of divorced parents have been found to be at increased risk of depression and painful feelings of loss and responsibility related to divorce when they hear one parent disparaging the other. . Even if she rejects the study or doesn't read it, she may take some comfort from the findings, which young people tend to feel. few They are close to the parent who denigrated the other co-parent, and are actually more likely to blame the vilifier for the divorce itself than the vilifier.
But in a way, she's right. You cannot control what she says about you and your wife. What you have are two teenagers who have certainly heard that criticism, but they also have real-life experiences in your home to compare to their mother's words. If their mother claims you and your wife are devil-worshipping trombone perverts, but when your daughters come for summer vacation, there's no pentagram or music stand to be found. So who will these smart teens believe?
The fact that they reported their mother's bad comments to you suggests that they already understand what is going on here. Please ease their burden. “I can't control what your mom says about us, but you know that we love you and love having you in our lives.” might say to them. Resist the urge to obsess about or comment on your mother's home life. Instead, focus on being the best and most honorable father you can be, and trust that your children will soon understand that it's you, even if they don't already.
—Dan
