“I don't know everything. We never stop learning,” I explain to my children. “What happens if we die?” asked four-year-old Xavi, who quickly corrected me. “We never stop learning…until we die.”
He may well be right. I can't imagine the pressure of raising a child while pretending to know everything, and I'm not willing to apologize for mistakes. I also don't think feelings are justified only when you turn 18. When children cry, I have no doubt that they are crying. To experience the feeling of a shattered dream, even if that dream is an endless Lego building session that ruins your bedtime.
So, it's no surprise that I was chosen as a “kind parent.” This name was coined by Sarah Oxwell Smith, author of. gentle parenting bookwrites about the importance of treating babies, toddlers, and teens with respect, understanding, and empathy.
If you're a parent, you've probably heard gentle parenting conversations at daycare, the playground, or on social media, even if you don't own the book. There, TikTok has been viewed 5.4 billion times and academic research is being conducted there. name. But Ockwell-Smith, who now has children aged 21, 20, 19 and 16, says the term is currently “problematic” because it has led to so many misconceptions.
Over the years, some people have begun to associate the Dalai Lama with guilt-inducing levels of perfectionism and a calmness that makes him seem nervous.
Misconceptions have become so commonplace that Ockwell Smith said to me: I never thought to give my new parenting style a name. It's really poorly defined. That was a question from me. “What should I call my sleep training workshop so that people understand that this is not something to shout about?” This is the idea of understanding and respecting child development. This is not a scientific or academic way to play. It would have been better if it didn't have a name. ”
Oxwell-Smith is often confused by how she is portrayed on social media. “I don't think most TikTok videos are kind parenting,” she says. “They chalk it up to, 'If your child says this, do this,' or 'This is the kind parent's way of dealing with this,' and I'm like, 'No, that's not the case.' It's not a collection of phrases. I've always been careful to say, “I'm not perfect, I make mistakes, it's hard and tiring, and I have to center my needs.'' ”
One misconception is that good parents don't say no. “It makes me angry,” she admits. “I won't forgive [my young children] They did what they wanted to do, even though it was dangerous and things would break. Of course, they have big emotions and hate being stopped. That's not unkind. That's what happens after that. There is no need to hurt, shame, or embarrass children. ”
You're right about her confusion. We speak to Ivana Poku, author of “. Motherhood – the untold, who find this word “toxic.” she says to me: “We should be more understanding, but I'm not perfect.” Instead, she's parenting “with love.” Poku believes that gentle parenting means not yelling, punishing, or having consequences.
Similarly, Lucy Wilson, founder of the happiness class Shine Strong Revolution, says: I try to stay as calm as possible, but a lot of things happen in life. If I'm being unfair, I apologize and explain. ” Both mothers seem to be close to Oxwell Smith's definition of “kind,” but they don't necessarily identify with it.
A recent academic study conducted by Macalester College in the US concluded that self-criticism can be exhausting for parents.
Oxwell-Smith agrees that good parenting is difficult, but says it requires looking at one's own childhood. “It's about asking questions about how you were raised, otherwise you end up repeating cycles and learned behaviors. Trying to get through the day while also self-medicating can be very exhausting. ” she says.
“You find yourself a little confused. It opens up relationships with your partner, parents, in-laws. But what's the alternative? Ignore it, pretend Do we harm the next generation by doing so? Do we continue to perpetuate a cycle where everyone hides their emotions and is afraid to say how they really feel? We talk about mental health, but we talk about tantrums in infancy. We’re not talking about how mental health starts when you wake up and put your child on a naughty step.”
There is no doubt that having children is the best cure. Last summer, I experienced how my childhood has influenced my parenting. A few weeks before his son Xavi started reception at school, his son seemed angry.
Although I am quick to comfort and congratulate my children, I was worried about them and found this anger unpleasant. I realized that my discomfort stemmed from my childhood, not his feelings. I learned to feel more comfortable so I could offer support, but he never learned to suppress difficult emotions. By understanding myself, I was able to take care of him.
A long-term academic study is currently underway. Oxwell-Smith says gentle parenting is not a short-term thing. “With Supernanny, we solve the problem in three days, but no one goes back in five years and asks, 'What are the implications?' on children's emotional maturity, trust, and resilience.” Helping people develop strength is not a quick fix and you won’t see results until years later.”
But perhaps the truth that researchers will discover is that Raising children is both stressful and fun. Unless you're a surgeon, it's the most responsible thing you'll ever feel. I don't want to mess it up for anyone. I think most of us feel guilty for being endlessly impatient with our loved ones, no matter how we express ourselves.
Oxwell-Smith believes parenting is particularly difficult right now. “The government is so unsupportive of her family,” she says. “Baby banks don't need to exist. Schools are chronically underfunded and teachers have taken huge real pay cuts for the past 12 years.”
As for the future of gentle parenting, she hopes that one day it will be simply called “parenting.” She says, “My goal is to not need labels. All parenting comes from a place of understanding and treating children's development with respect.”
Birth of gentle parenting
Gentle parenting has its roots in the warmth, sensitivity, and boundary-setting of authoritative parenting described by developmental psychologist Diane Baumrind in the 1960s. This is in contrast to strict authoritarian parenting, where adults say, “Because I said so,” and permissive parenting, which is warm but lacks boundaries.
After the birth of her second child, Sarah Oxwell-Smith found herself having to abandon the sticker charts and strict sleep routines she had adhered to with her first child, which she felt were wrong. We have developed a child-rearing movement. When she developed her sleep workshop, she named it “Gentle.” In the United States, this is sometimes called “hardy” parenting, and Dr. Becky Kennedy is a leading proponent.
Do you have any questions for Genevieve? Email [email protected].
