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This past fall, I set out to be rejected as often as possible.
A healthy fear of rejection lives in most people, and some of us are in chokeholds. Being rejected is, at worst, an embarrassing personal failure, and at best, an obstacle standing in the way of our heart's desires. Your first date with your dream job, a thriving social circle, and a gorgeous future partner. Last year, I remembered to me that I actively avoid rejecting a career in writing to keep myself safe. So I aimed at denial.
I dreamed of a project called No November and gathered an online group of 15 people to join my quest. “We build resilience by inviting No to our lives. The point was to make the rejection itself a goal post to reduce the fear and stickiness around it, and at the same time to get closer to the goal. We set goals to be enthusiastically rejected by job seekers, film grants, pitch (my personal goal as a freelance journalist), and other targets we longed for. Every week we recorded the YES we tried, rejected, and the last one we received.
I was aiming to get pitch rejection three times a week. When I focused on rejection rather than success, I found it very easy to do my job. My global world of perfectionism was Topsitterby. By the end of the month, I had accumulated seven rejections. and Three new editing assignments have been landed.
Cerabund in November, a group member who has worked for a long time in non-profit development, says he asked about the total of about 80 cases that month. It was also her first time tracking the number of rejections she received, even if Rampen's rejection was part of her 30 years of work.
“When a friend doesn't hang out, or when my teenager says no, I don't personally accept it,” she says. “No is actually a yes to something else.”
“I feel like about five years later. I've really learned that there's an important mass of NOS you have to reach to reach the number of YES you need, and that really has nothing to do with me,” says Bonds. “When you ask someone for money, or when you're looking for a contract or collaboration, most of the time, the reason they say no is their end.
Bond says that the attitude has permeated other parts of her life as well. “When a friend doesn't hang out, or when my teenager says no, I don't personally accept it,” she says. “No is actually a yes to something else.”
Learning to view rejection as an opportunity rather than a failure can lead to more satisfaction in many aspects of life, from work and personal goals to dating and building strong relationships. And research shows that having a high rejection sensitivity for a long time can mean low self-esteem development. Avoid the intimacy of relationships, especially romantic things. It is also associated with a higher risk of other mental health issues, such as anxiety and depression.
Plus, failure, reorganization, and rising up again build resilience. As the saying goes, you miss out on all the shots you haven't taken – and even the shots you miss will help you get a better purpose.
Psychologist and consultant Ryan C. Warner trains leadership and business clients to adopt the “idea of rejection.” “It teaches individuals to intentionally look for situations where they may fail, and ultimately helps them build confidence that they will succeed.”
“That emotional pain we experience from rejection signals our brains. Hey, something is wrong.”
Our dislike of rejection is deeply rooted in evolutionary psychology, Warner says. We have instinctively learned to avoid behaviors that have elicited negative social responses, as being able to ensure our survival. Rejection triggers our “fight or flight” instinct in the amygdala, the part of our brain that processes our emotions.
“That emotional pain we experience from rejection signals our brains. Hey, something is wrong,” Warner says. “You need to react or avoid it, so you don't feel that pain anymore. …When this is constantly reinforced, it will ultimately internally replicate the fear of future rejection. [and lead to] Avoid. “
Some neurotic people may experience even more acute rejection rebellion. Approximately 6% of American adults suffer from ADHD, and people with ADHD can experience rejection sensitivity discomfort (RSD), or intense emotional pain when faced with rejection.
Anushka Basu, a 29-year-old financial writer based in India, is diagnosed with ADHD after experiencing extreme social anxiety during college, and although RSD becomes subtle later, he says that it will “freeze my body and mind.” It was a long process for BASU to learn how to handle rejections better, she says.
“It starts with friends and family who point out your shortcomings,” she wrote in an email. “Then we continue to internalize it and before we know it, it paralyzes us. So essentially, we reject ourselves before someone else.”
How to have a better relationship with rejection
that teeth Each of us can build stronger tolerance towards rejection, and even develop self-confidence and self-acceptance. The key is to understand “no” as a corridor to the next room, not as a closed door with a face, and is usually not personal.
Supporting people with RSD is an important part of the work Billy Roberts, therapist and founder of Focused Mind ADHD Counseling in Columbus, Ohio, does with his clients. “In the end, if someone says no to you, the default isn't to think you're worthless, or you're a bad person, or you don't think you're not enough,” says Roberts. “You need to learn to manage your emotions, and you can put yourself there again, and you'll ultimately win.
1) Create a rejection goal
Warner recommends determining aspects of your life that you want to improve or change, and then creating specific goals. He is to set goals for smart frameworks: concrete, measurable, achievable, relevance, and time zone (smart). This means that your goals are actually achievable and can be tracked over time, allowing you to know if you hit them or not. For example, if you want to go on a date, you can go to five dates in the next three months or set smart goals to meet five new people. Make sure your goals are realistic.
“I think it's definitely effective for measurable people. [goals] says Roberts. “But people are setting themselves up and saying, 'I'm going to apply for 100 jobs this week.”
Author Carla Bernberg, who writes a newsletter on building habits for a successful life, got used to rejection around 2000 while shopping for a book manuscript. Now she has the goal of being rejected as a guest on a podcast five times a week. “I want to be on two podcasts a month, but I know that five rejections a week are the only way to get there,” says Birnberg. “It brings me closer to that yes.”
She also uses people's responses and feedback to improve her message, hopefully getting a higher response and approval rate as she goes on. “Not all rejections are the same,” she says.
2) Looking back at the hang of rejection
Both meditation and journaling are easy and inexpensive ways to get to know yourself better, and have proven benefits of mental health. It also helps you question your reaction to rejection. “Quest yourself, 'What am I rejecting myself?'” Warner says. You can also get guided support from professionals with therapy and counseling.
When Basu realized that she didn't want to define herself through her rejection, she began analyzing the rejection of her diary. She then wrote down what she learned, what could be different next time, and how this rejection would change her future forever. She began to realize that some of the rejections were not personal and she noted her own resilience.
“In hindsight, I realized the moment I thought rejection had written an end, but it ended up being even better,” Bass says. “I started to tell myself, 'I'm good enough' … Over time, I began to see it as part of the process of finding the right prospects.
3) You can trust and build confidence in rejection that will be easier
The Catch-22 of Rejection means you have to experience it, recover, try again and try again to “get that positive feedback loop going forward,” says Roberts. The more rejections you have, the easier it will be, and ultimately you will find that risk, and even straightforward rejection, will reward you.
Roberts wants to remind people that “action comes before healing.” In other words, it is repeatedly rejected, processing emotions and ultimately advances in relieving anxiety in rejection.
“[People say]”I'm more confident, then I'll ask them to hang out, or then I'll ask them to apply for a job,” says Roberts.
