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One afternoon I happened to meet my 70-year-old father laughing with my 7-year-old son. car Animated movie. At first, I paused as my heart warmed. But what began as a sweet moment soon sparked something unexpected in me. As much as I didn't want to admit it, I was a bit…jealous.
The little girl inside me asked as they enjoyed the antics of McQueen of Lightning: Why didn't I get this version of my dad when I grew up?
My dad always had a hard time with work when he was younger, so he believed that his free time was better spent in practical pursuits. We discussed news readings, finances management, or “real world” issues with adults. The comics certainly were not part of the list of activities worthy of involvement. Now he is debating enthusiastically Spongebob SquarePants In the movie plot line with my kids, he can climb around him like a jungle gym.
I'm not the only one who witnessed my parents going from strict authoritarians to my grandparents' dot. From building LEGOs to regular father-son bonding activities, Anthony (the name of my parents' interviewees has been changed) briefly lists the kind moments he witnessed between his parents and his two children. “It's so funny to see them with their grandchildren and see them so relaxed and easygoing. It wasn't my childhood,” he recalls immigrant parents in Vietnam. He described the moment when the toddler's daughter first ran to her mother. Without hesitation, she wrapped her arms around her granddaughter and radiated pure joy from her face. Witnessing such feelings and open expressions of love from his parents was not growing at all. “i don't remember [a] When I was younger, I felt that kind of embrace from them. ”
All the parents I spoke to love that their children are getting this soft side of their grandparents, but some of us questioned how someone could turn their age and (certainly) adorable little people into a family completely different person. Once parents enter the grandparent stage of their lives, they can see a major change in their role in the family and how they interact with the younger generation.
“As parents, we take the primary responsibility for raising our children, ensuring they are responsible and develop into well-tuned adults,” says Christian Bumps, a marriage and family therapist based in Nashville, Tennessee. “That means you have to set rules and enforce them, and you have to make tough decisions. But then when you become a grandparent, that role changes.” You can no longer be a major caregiver or disciplinary custody, but more relaxed roles like playmates, supporters, trustworthy confidants.
This role shift also reduces daily stress levels and changes the energy that brings to grandparents' grandchild dynamics. Bumpous explains that the constant balancing acts of parent-child relationships, namely work, chores and discipline, often become more stringent for moms and dads just because they are trying to manage many things at the same time. Many of these pressures would have been eased by the time we became grandparents. “There's more space, things feel bigger and more patient, they're able to spend more time on themselves, making them more likely to appear for their grandchildren,” says Sabah Harrowni Luri, a California-based marriage and family therapist.
And there are also some wisdom associated with age. By living through life and raising their own children, grandparents benefit from hindsight. Many things that once felt critical are not important for a long time, like maintaining a clean living room or implementing all the small rules. “They've seen things really important in the long run, so they tend to let go of smaller fights and focus more on connecting with their grandchildren and enjoyment,” explains Bumbous.
Felicia saw this change in perspective first hand with her father. Holding a high-stress status as a trial lawyer, he often brought home work anxiety. His patience was exhausted by the end of most days. “When we were little, we'd build blocks… he was really frustrated when we beat the towers, but you know, that was the best part,” she says. Over time, self-reflection helped him learn to let go of such minor frustration, completely changing the way Felicia interacts with her four children. “When we were together, he stopped and said, “When you were little, I would have hated it, but I can do it now.”
All these possible reasons behind my own father transformation make perfect sense to me. However, stopping emotions was not enough. Seeing the affection of parents, I once longed for someone else to be given so freely (even when that person was my child) still raised the pain of jealousy. Then there comes other feelings, like guilt. I wondered if I was a terrifying parent who felt jealous of my son. For others in my position, there may be feelings of sadness for the moments lost as a child.
Some of these feelings were familiar to Melissa, the mother of two in Los Angeles. Once busy parents who rarely attended childhood performances now do not miss recitals or school events for their children. She is grateful for her presence in the lives of her children, but she also laments what she and her siblings have missed. “It… brings me a lot of sadness,” she said. “There's a lot of things they hope to have to give us when we're growing up, and I feel a lot about my child myself.”
Anthony has experienced similar things, but his sadness has lessened. It was a more strange and admiring feeling. His busy parents struggled to interact when working 16-18 hours a day when he was young, so he often felt like he was navigating life alone. Seeing them as more enthusiastic grandparents, I wonder how he grew differently through their guidance. “My personal development is thinking about how my parents tried to unlock some of these milestones as young children,” he says.
When it comes to handling such complex emotions, marriage and family therapist Lurie emphasizes integrity without self-judgment. “Let anything there be felt without guilt. …When you are sitting in this grief, be compassionate for yourself,” she says. These emotions are signals of unmet needs in childhood, saying, “You may be compassionate with your parents. That may really help. But start with you.”
Bumbous also says that acknowledging these feelings is important as it respects the reality of your past experiences. Even if your parents' behavior changes, it doesn't cancel what happened or how you felt about it. “Just because they're different now doesn't mean what happened…and the emotions it brings are neither real nor effective,” he says.
I was also relieved to learn that it's not a scary parent to feel jealous of my children by sharing with their grandparents. “The truth is that je really isn't about that child. It's part of you that you didn't get what you needed at the time. And it's not your fault. Try it just to see it as a signal, rather than beat yourself to feel that way,” says Bumbous.
It can be a bit difficult to get involved with this issue. Bumbous suggests that he is careful and intentional when discussing topics with his parents. “Seeking conversations can really help and promote healing. [but] Sometimes it's not,” he says.
Consider it first before diving. What is your current relationship with them? “Some parents have an incredible… emotional maturity that has developed over the course of their lives,” says Lurie. “And now, they're in this position of being older and hopefully smart, so they can create space for these difficult conversations and accept with you that they may be lacking.” If you feel that your parents are not emotionally available to understand your experiences, it may be best to manage this without facing them about it. “It could be even more disappointing to try and approach them in the hopes that they are about to show up now,” Lurie said.
Another question worth reflecting on is: What do you want to gain from this conversation? If you are aiming to have more mutual understanding and promote moments of connection, then having an open dialogue may be worth it. However, if the goal is to voice frustration into your voice without expecting actual solutions, muttering suggests that self-reflection, journaling, believing in a trusted friend, seeking the help of a therapist, and processing those feelings in other ways.
Some of the parents I spoke to found peace with the past by seeing their parents' transformation with understanding and grace. “Forgiveness is very important. As a parent, I know that I have flaws. I look back and think I could have done a better job. Heck, I see the difference between my last daughter and my first daughter. We all deserve a little bit of a bounty,” says Felicia.
I'll be honest. Looking at the more playful side of my dad, there is still something that pulls deep inside me. But what changed is that he accepted that there may always be a longing for another past. At the same time, I see him as a parent who grows, softens, and still learns, like all of us. So, recently I stopped looking from the bystanders. I sometimes forget the rules, laugh together cartoons, build pillow forts, play with my kids, father.
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