“I feel comfortable at home,” he said.
When I was 13 years old in the early 1990s, being “cozy at home” was a worse fate than getting braces. I waited for my landline to ring and was ready to go.
Does this sound familiar? Dr. Gene Beresin, executive director of the MGH Clay Center for Young Healthy Minds, wrote the following guide in response to the epidemic declaration: ” Released on March 28th.
Beresin says this generation is devastatingly busy yet isolated, relying on digital media as a form of connection to get through their overscheduled days. Being alone with a busy schedule is dangerous. We spoke ahead of the book's release, and it was both a refreshing conversation and a warning.
We know that loneliness is bad. What are we not hearing enough?
The loneliest generation is 11 to 24 years old. This is amazing. Young people at that age would be least likely to be lonely.
Everyone blames social media. I think the biggest reason why children are lonely is because they have incredibly busy schedules.
They have to take AP courses, they have to play the violin, they have to play three sports, they have to do community service, they have to do internships. …They don't have a day or a moment of free time. One of the reasons they use social media is, in some ways, as a result of having too many schedules. How can you connect when you don't have time?
For millennials, weekends were a time when they could actually hang out with friends, walk, bike, or look for a basketball game. I believe that today's youth are overbooked and overscheduled, which not only creates feelings of isolation but also contributes to skyrocketing trends in depression, anxiety, and stress. Young people, especially middle school and high school students, need time to just hang out and not have to do any tasks unless they are doing a group project.
The parents I know, who are definitely middle class and upper middle class issues, want to solve the problem first because they think their kids will lose their edge. not present. Entering university is a bloodbath. They need every advantage they can get. What would you say to a parent who has a child with an overloaded schedule but can't find a solution?
I would say, “You need to prioritize.” We all need work, love and play. And if all we have is work pressure, we don't have enough time to meet face-to-face and build relationships. Not much has changed since 1985's “The Breakfast Club.” Children need to learn how to navigate those waters. If they are under pressure to “achieve” 24/7 and don’t have time to engage with other young people, resolve disagreements, and overcome challenges, they will fall behind the eight. right. ball. They will be unprepared for life.
Without healthy interpersonal relationships, social-emotional learning, and having fun, you will not be a mentally healthy person. By focusing on the criteria that will supposedly get them into Harvard, you are putting their mental health at risk.
Frankly, even the young people who attend the Ivy are not necessarily the healthiest, most balanced, stable, or most productive without social-emotional skills. This is why people lose their jobs as adults. It's not because they don't have the knowledge or skills. That's because human relationships don't go well. They don't know how to deal with conflict. Admission to a good university alone does not guarantee young people's health and well-being.
What else can parents do to encourage social relationships? It's hard when you're a teenager. Kids don't want to listen to you anyway. How do you support them?
You don't want to have a family meeting. You don't want to sit down and talk to them because you're just going to roll your eyes. They receive enough lectures at school. You want to have your own agenda and you want your agenda to fill a gap.
I propose three things in this book: evaluate, regulate, and promote. Start assessing from a very young age: How does your child spend their time online and offline? What do they like to do? Take a real inventory.
Most parents don't know what apps they use. Most parents don't go to commonsensemedia.org to find out what the content is. Most people are shocked to learn what a particular video game is. Parents need to become more literate to be able to evaluate what they are using.
Ratings are not spies. Many parents I consult with are monitoring their behavior. [kids’] phone. That's the worst thing you can do. Censorship and banning will never work. In fact, they backfire. Don't be a spy. We want to create trust and bring transparency. You want to regulate it. Have a conversation with them: Do you really think about what you're putting out on TikTok, Instagram, or Snapchat?
How does this relate to loneliness?
We are all digital hostages, and Gen Z are digital natives. They are born, raised, and immersed in it. We cannot discount the fact that they are married, but at the same time traumatized by it. Having in-depth conversations about the use and misuse of digital media is critical. Very few parents do this.
How it relates to loneliness is that the more schedules children have, the less time they spend face-to-face and the more they use digital media instead of actually talking eye-to-eye. Masu. As much as we think we can use FaceTime as an alternative, you can't simulate being in the same room as another human being.
Instead of holding a family meeting, how can you fill in the gaps on the agenda?
If you have frequent, ongoing conversations that show respect, tolerance, listening, empathy, validation, and understanding where their words are coming from, they'll truly understand that you accept them. Masu. School, cooking, housework: “What's so great about TikTok? Can you tell me what you've posted recently?”
Nowadays, most kids don't want to tell their parents what they post. But if this becomes part of the structure of their conversation, by asking, “What do you think about what's going on politically? What do you think about what you're seeing on the news?” , you can draw them into the conversation. This isn't just about digital media. It's about the world we live in now, how disturbing it is, how scary it is, and how lonely it can make you feel.
The process of identity formation and separation is itself lonely. This is also something that has not been addressed yet. Teenager loneliness is part of normal development.
What is the tipping point between loneliness and dangerous loneliness?
Schoolwork, sleep, and eating are affected.when [your child] Start using substances. More than 50% of children who use substances use it to feel better, but also to calm anxiety and depression. Many children drink together, but some drink alone.
When they don't want to go to school because they're in too much pain, or when they succumb to peer pressure because they want to be included, they're dealing with loneliness. Other kids say, “Okay, let's get in the car and drive,” when the kids smoke pot or drink too much. They drive because they don't want to be left out or alone. Or you get caught up in a controlling relationship with a partner you feel you can't leave. [because] If they leave, they will lose a group of friends. They stay in destructive relationships to combat loneliness.
How do parents intervene?
Listen, empathize, validate their experience, and don't be judgmental. [A kid] You should feel that not all experiences are judged, judged, and condemned, even if you hear scary things like: I tried vodka when I went to a football game. ”
The answer is, “Please tell me more about that. I'd like to hear about that.” [Then] Teens feel that what they do, whether on impulse, to combat loneliness, or to avoid being excluded by friends, will not be judged or blamed. [they] You will not be criticized or punished. They will be able to tell their story in a consistent way. Then the parent might say, “I did some pretty stupid things when I was your age.” And the teenager will probably say: “how is it?”
Our job as parents is to assess, regulate, and promote. A key way to do this is to have frequent, non-judgmental, empathetic, and validating conversations.
If you were to give this interview a headline, what would it be?
Loneliness is a combination of biology, psychology, and the environment in which we live. It's very destructive to us, packaging animals and humans as a species. If we do not take steps to curb this situation, it will escalate further and will have extremely devastating effects on our own mental, physical and social health.
The interview has been edited and condensed.
Kara Baskin can be reached at [email protected] her @kcbaskin.
