answer: Thank you for contacting us. For some reason, estranged family relationships have been a hot topic lately, and I'm getting more questions about it than usual. Your question to me is, “Should I give up?” My first impulse is “No, please don't.” Estranged or not, dead or alive, your parents will always be your parents, and unresolved issues surrounding parenthood can linger for years and generations, causing harm and harm. May cause confusion. (See: Why We Do Therapy.) Even if reconciliation isn't in the cards, it's worth trying to relate in a way that involves more recognition, more consideration, and more personal responsibility. . It's not an easy path, but it's the middle ground between “sending a gift” and throwing it out altogether.
So I don't think the question is simply “Should I give up?” Instead, you might ask, “What do my kids need to hear from me?” Of course, I don't know what actually happened in your family. Because there must be a reason for this beyond “My two children told me my new marriage wouldn't last.” Yes, a child's mind can be poisoned and greatly affected by the other parent, but what else went wrong that caused this separation? Looking back and making an honest assessment You might get the answer you need.
For example, did your children (under the influence of others) oppose your new marriage, and then quarrels began? Were your children angry about the destructive split parenting and remarriage? Or did you allow them to separate because you felt they were distancing and protecting your new marriage? ? I'm guessing because what I know for sure is that your relationship with your children is based on more than just remarriage.
Most family therapists who specialize in alienation say this. something Deeper issues need to be publicly stated, explained and apologized for. And “gifts, cards, texts, phone calls” are not enough. A holiday card with nice sentiments is nice, but if your child wants their pain acknowledged, or needs to hear a heartfelt apology even if it means breaking open the door, a gift can be an even more slap in the face to their pain. only. And an apology is just the beginning. The spiral of hurt and rejection stems from everyone involved in the estrangement. So be prepared for reconciliation to be a long and up-and-down process. You don't say your kids have drawn a clear line in the sand like “never contact us again.” At the same time, she was also prohibited from attending important life events such as graduations and weddings, so the pain was deep… However, it seems that the letter has not been returned.
Even if your children ignore you or ask to be left alone, I highly recommend seeing a therapist who specializes in family systems. Although your children may not be in therapy with you, a therapist can help you clarify what kind of relationship you really want with your children and help you look back and understand what happened. We help you understand what's going on and what's next. It may not be in your (or your children's) best interest to have a relationship with your children. Discovering this with an unbiased person is the best way to achieve clarity and honesty.
When looking for a therapist, I recommend picking up some books about estrangement between parents and adult children. I especially like what Tina Gilbertson says in the beginning of her book, “Reconnecting with Your Estranged Adult Child: Practical Tips and Tools for Repairing Relationships.” . Like all great therapists, she believes that any change is yours to make and that to begin working toward reconciliation she must have a “growth mindset.” Masu. She cannot control her adult children, so she must be willing to look at her own actions, thoughts, and actions.
No matter what happens, it's a worthwhile endeavor to look inward, acknowledge your contribution to the end of these relationships, and work to heal yourself regardless of the outcome. You can't change the past, but each day is a new gift that allows you to choose differently. Good luck.
