Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Have questions about care and feeding? please submit here.
Dear care and food,
I have a 16 year old son named “Kevin”. Kevin plays on his school's chess team and takes the game quite seriously, often practicing puzzles or reviewing previous games in his free time at school. This apparently caught the attention of one of his school's music teachers, “Mr. Martin.” V” wanted to play, but he wanted to put money into the game.
Long story short, Kevin won five games in a row, earned just over $200 from Mr. V by the end of the free period, and was very happy with himself. Kevin got this continuation of the story second-hand and I got it from him, so he doesn't know 100% what happened. But apparently Mr. V was in a nifty local band that was scheduled to perform that night after he finished his work at school. The money Kevin won from him was supposed to be for gas to get to the venue, but he ended up wasting it. Apparently there was a huge fight in the school parking lot (Kevin isn't sure if it turned physical, but there seem to be a lot of rumors flying around), but it was clearly a disturbance. Since then, Mr. V has been suspended from school. Freed from his teaching duties, everyone is sure he is benefiting.
Kevin finds the whole thing kind of funny. It's not interesting. I'm not thrilled to find out he was gambling at all, especially with grown men. On the other hand, how do you take the message “this is to protect yourself” when things go well for him and all the problems fall on someone who is supposedly in a secure position of power? I don't know if it's okay or not. In addition to that, his lack of empathy for a man who clearly has a gambling problem also concerns me. How can I get through to him?
—Concerns about gambling
Dear Gamblers,
The school has already taken action against Mr. V for this highly unprofessional behavior, so let's put that aside. As for Kevin, first let him know that he is totally too young to gamble and that if he is caught gambling, he will face some consequences and will probably not be able to participate in gambling. is needed. chess team. Tell him that gambling is a dangerous habit that can become addictive and that perhaps he is dealing with it. Although I won this time, there are no guarantees in gambling and you can lose big. Was he prepared to pay this man his $200, at least in the abstract? Many gamblers get into huge debts and lose their homes, cars, and even family members as a result of their problems. Tell him about the fact that you are.
Mr. V is a typical example of problems related to gambling. There is no reason why adults should play chess with children for money unless they are participating in some kind of tournament.
Ask students to see what consequences the teacher faced as a result of the game. He'll lose money he can't afford to lose, he'll get into a fight, and there's a good chance he'll lose his job. He explains that Mr. V likely has a gambling problem, which has caused him to act in a highly irresponsible manner towards the students he was supposed to be teaching. Tell him that what this man did was wrong, but that he should have some sympathy for him. He may simply be unable to stop gambling. Contact Kevin regularly and ask if he plays chess for money. Be careful with his shopping and make sure he doesn't take home anything he shouldn't be able to buy.
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Dear care and food,
I'm a 24 year old lesbian woman and I can't stop thinking about my biological clock, but I don't know why. I'd like to have children someday, but I'm not particularly attached to having children biologically, so I don't see why the fact that I only have a little more than 10 years until I have a child is a big deal. I don't understand why you can't stop thinking about it. Before things get “complicated,” they must be biological children. This is especially strange since she would never have been able to have a biological child without medical intervention anyway. Any insight as to why this surprises me?
—Confused Queer
Dear confused people
According to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, a woman's “peak” fertility is between her late teens and late 20s. Your body may be sending you a message that it is physically ready to have a baby. A long time ago, when I was your age, I started experiencing “baby fever” even though I knew I didn't want kids yet. Additionally, women may be influenced by societal messages that indicate that they need to become mothers by the age of 30. It's perfectly normal to be obsessed with fertility, even though we've been taught that it's unacceptable. Granted. If you know someone who has a baby, you may find that hanging around the baby may reduce these urges (or even make them stronger). Remind yourself that you have all the time you need and that when you are ready, you will become a mother, however you choose to do so eventually.
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Dear care and food,
My 7-year-old son “James” is generally a kind and thoughtful boy. But for the second year in a row, he has made some alarming comments when we discussed the meaning behind Martin Luther King Jr. Day. Both times he told me he didn't like people with a different skin color than his. I try to keep open communication with him, but I didn't know how to react because I didn't want him to prevent me from speaking up when I could be teachable. . What's particularly disturbing is the fact that he said this twice, a year apart, and I think this is something he really feels, and not just a repeat of something he overheard outside his house. believe. I said something like, “It's no good to treat someone maliciously just because of their appearance.'' This response feels so lacking and I'm worried that I have a secretly racist child, but I don't know how to fix it. Help me.
—Don't Raise Racists
Dear unraised,
my love, you teeth Raising racists. Your son first made these comments last year, but you took no steps to intervene. Many parents seem to believe that if they don't say derogatory things about people of color, their children will somehow become less prejudiced. We live in a society that privileges white people and marginalizes people of color at every turn. Non-Black people of color also actively participate in anti-Black racism. we need to actively teach our children not to be racist. Because kids are surrounded by messages that they are not racist. Children your son's age are already beginning to draw conclusions about members of other racial groups and may be forming prejudices just like your son.
Your son is old enough to learn about the social inequalities that people of color face and the history of oppression that Black people have endured in this country. children's books about racism is easy to get started and written in language that even a 7-year-old can understand. Black, white and beyond is a bit more comprehensive and delves deeper into the effects of racism. Anti-racism starts with me is a coloring book that will help you bring these lessons home in a fun way. You should also teach your son about civil rights leaders who used the holiday as an excuse to speak out. There are many great children's books about Dr. King. Martin's important words A beautifully written biography, My dad, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. It humanizes Dr. King even more by portraying him as a father rather than just an activist. When it comes to resources to facilitate conversations about race with your son, we recommend the following: How to raise anti-racists and Raising Antiracist Children.
Talk to your son and find out who the “different-skinned people” he dislikes are. Is he talking about the kids in his class? neighbor? teacher? Ask them why they feel that way and if they have ever heard someone say bad things about a different race. If you have family members or friends who say racist things in front of him, you'll want to know who they are. Ask them to think about how they would feel if people hated them because of the color of their skin. Make sure he reads books and watches TV shows and movies that feature people of color as main characters. If his school or community isn't very diverse, consider taking him somewhere where there are people of different races and enrolling him in classes at the YMCA, for example. There you can interact with children of different races. Like him.
Dear care and food,
I live in a city near my parents, sister, niece, and nephew. I'm close with my parents, but I can't remember a relaxed family gathering in the past 10 years that didn't involve a shouting match between my sister and my nieces. Now that the kids are all in their early to mid-20s, they're starting to reach a point where they think they'll never get over this. It's like a couple are in a room and are constantly accusing each other of going down and shouting at each other in front of each other. All of that being said, I think I'm officially done spending time with my family. I don't want to be the mediator, I don't want one person to lecture me on why the other is wrong, and I don't want to have to tell my parents about the trauma of being yelled at by them. Same goes for my nieces (it's like walking on eggshells all the time, anyone can be a target for their vitriol).
So the question is, what's the best way to say “I'm not doing this anymore” and bow out of a family gathering? I'm worried that I'll break my parents' hearts, and that it will further isolate her sister (the kids live with her parents, so my sister never loses her temper). There is no such thing). Should I book a trip every holiday or should I lie and say I'm going to his parents' house with my partner? Should I just tell my parents what's going on and schedule some time to visit with them when her sister and her kids aren't around?
-Avoid family drama
Dear Evader
“Not Again” is a great way to tell your parents that you will no longer be attending your sister's or niece's theater festival. Explain that their antics make family gatherings too uncomfortable and you can't stand it. This may be difficult for them to accept, but they need to understand it on some level. I'm sure they themselves are fed up with the madness. Next holiday, plan a time to celebrate with your parents when your sister and her kids aren't around. If it's easy, you can say that the actual vacation itself will be spent with your partner's family. To help your sister feel less isolated, schedule visits with her separately from the children and talk to her regularly. If you have a relationship with your nieces, make time to interact with them separately from your mother.
–Jamila
