For many parents, there are two main things they want for their children in life. One is that children feel loved and appreciated, and the other is that they grow up to be kind, self-sufficient, and independent human beings. Sometimes we get caught up in what life throws at us and don't do our best to make sure our kids know and believe it. Having open and honest conversations with your growing children can help minimize the gap between the lives they actually live and the lives they share with you.
I have two children and they have taken different paths when it comes to revealing their true selves to me. While my youngest son didn't feel comfortable openly sharing his feelings and experiences, his oldest son felt the need to hide a large part of himself. I don't think I've done anything different in my parenting, but therein lies the problem. I should have taken a step back and paid more attention to each child's needs. This can be difficult for parents who don't want to be criticized for treating their child differently or playing favorites.
When my youngest son realized he was attracted to people of all genders, he didn't hesitate to tell me. My eldest son also has cross-gender attraction, but he felt that if he revealed his attraction to someone of his own gender, he wouldn't be accepted. It's sad to think that he had to hide for so long, feeling isolated and alone from his family, afraid of being completely excluded or not taken seriously.
When my youngest son revealed that he was dating his high school girlfriend, it inspired my son to do the same. I was lucky enough to have my son with us for a short period of time during all of this and was able to open the door for further conversation and ask for forgiveness. This allowed him to start sharing his true life and his true self with us.
There is no complete manual given to children when they are born. Parenting comes from our own childhood experiences and advice from others. Children are not all grouped together on the same factory line. Even in my own family, where I thought I was raising my children in the same way, the children's experiences and behaviors were completely different.
What I've learned, especially as a parent navigating the complexities of gender and sexual identity, is that open and honest conversations are essential. As my children came out and told me their truths, I realized that I needed to educate myself and increase my understanding of LGBTQ+ issues.
One important aspect is terminology. LGBTQ+ terminology is nuanced, so it's essential to use language that respects and validates their identities. For example, my son's spouse identifies as non-binary. This means that they do not only identify as male or female. When referring to them, I use their chosen name and their preferred pronouns: “they/them.”
Additionally, my youngest son has talked about being attracted to people of different gender identities. This is sometimes referred to as pansexual or bisexual, depending on how you personally identify. It is important to understand these terms to support and validate their experiences.
What I discovered on this journey is that there is a generational gap when it comes to what is acceptable when it comes to LGBTQ+ issues. I thought I was being supportive because I had several friends who identified as gay, including one of my best friends. I never thought I was being offensive or inaccurate. But with the help of my children and friends, I realized that even well-meaning comments can sometimes be perceived as microaggressions. I'm still learning and growing and have a lot to learn. I am grateful to have people around me who are willing to share their experiences and help me learn from them.
Regardless of the age of your child, the best advice I can share with other parents is to open the door to acceptance by having open and honest conversations. Don't let your own experiences with your parents dictate how you interact with your own children. Break the mold and start something new. Show your children that you are more than just a parent, you are a loving, tolerant and caring human being.
After all, the most important thing is that children understand that they are loved and accepted unconditionally. There are no rules when it comes to love. It is our role as parents to support our children on their journey to self-discovery and authenticity.
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