My first post about matrescence, or the process of becoming a mother, seems to have resonated with you all – I was amazed to see that thousands of you have read it in the past few weeks – so I've decided to continue discussing the subject in a series of posts.
For context, matrescence is a term coined in the 1970s by medical anthropologist Dana Raphael in her book Womanhood: Reproduction, Power, and Change, and has more recently been brought back into the spotlight by reproductive psychologist Aurélie Assun at Columbia University.
Asan said Raphael pointed out that “in many cultures, the birth of a baby is announced as, 'A woman has given birth.'” Asan's point is that the focus is on the mother and what she has done, and that emphasis is important. The mother is praised for what she has accomplished. This is symbolic of the meaning that a culture gives to the event and how it is treated. In cultures other than ours, mothers often receive more support and more care after the baby is born.”
In South Korea, for example, it's common for new mothers to go to a retreat for 21 days after giving birth, where fresh meals are delivered three times a day, they can get massages and facials, attend parenting classes, and nurses are available to look after the baby if the mother needs some rest.
There are special soups traditionally drunk in Korea during the postpartum period, lactation consultants and exercise routines to aid in recovery, and body reconditioning to help new mothers reconnect with their bodies.
In South Korea, eight out of 10 mothers visit such spas after giving birth.
This is the kind of thing American mothers can only dream about.
Here, mothers are often isolated in their apartments or homes after the birth of their baby. During their time off work, they often suffer from feelings of loneliness and anxiety. And this is especially true for first-time mothers who don’t really know what they’re doing.
For example, a New York Times article profiled Alicia Robbins. When she gave birth to her first two children, she, like nearly every woman in this country before her, felt overwhelmed when she left the hospital, even though she is an obstetrician-gynecologist. She wrote that giving birth to her children “was much harder than I expected. I kept wondering if it was okay for breastfeeding to be so hard and so anxiety-provoking. I kept asking myself, 'Is this really my new normal?'”
Her mother came to her aid, but “she seemed to freeze up,” Dr. Robbins said. “I love her and God bless her, but we had a fight about whether the breast pump needed to be sterilized for three hours and things like that.”
In this country, as Aurélie Assane says, we talk about the baby, not the mother: we pay attention to the baby, we give gifts to the baby, we visit the baby, but we don't really talk about what the mother has achieved, what we can do for the baby. she.
But the process of becoming a mother is something that needs more attention in our culture, as Daniel Stern writes in two of his books: Constellation of Motherhood and Becoming a motherCreating a new identity can be just as difficult, if not more difficult, than the actual act of giving birth to a baby.
Becoming a mother changes a woman's sense of who she is. Her identity expands, but like many changes, this expansion is fraught with uncertainty and anxiety. Who am I now? Do I know how to be a mother? Am I doing the right thing? What kind of mother do I want to be? Will I be able to get back to doing the things I used to love? And if I did, would I be neglecting my baby? Can I still work? How much should I work? Can I still do my job well?
The questions are endless.
Moreover, becoming a mother changes a woman’s identity as a partner. And this is not always easy. Sometimes women wonder if they still have emotional space for their partner. Sometimes their partner is jealous of the time a woman spends with the baby. Sometimes women feel they can only share their body with one person at a time, resent other demands on them, or struggle with whether that should be the baby or their partner. Mothers and partners often disagree on how to handle childcare. Conflicts arise over sleep training and what schedule the baby really needs. And they may lack the energy to discuss these conflicts. Women often feel like they have more of the mental burden of making doctor’s appointments, researching child development, and figuring out what the baby needs.
This identity shift is especially difficult because new mothers need their partners' support, and resentment, disagreements, and open conflict can make it difficult for them to feel supported.
The identity change a woman faces after giving birth is difficult. Like shedding a skin that no longer fits, a woman must say goodbye to aspects of herself, ways of being and acting that were once a part of her, and grow into what her new role is.
Just knowing that all women go through this, that it's normal to struggle with this change, and that it can be named, learned about, and maybe even talked about with other mothers can help a new mother.
I encourage anyone struggling with this transition to reach out to someone, such as a friend, another new mom, another experienced mom, or even a therapist with whom you can openly discuss these issues.
After my last post, one such mother contacted me and said that just knowing she wasn't alone in what she was feeling made her feel less alone.
For a more detailed discussion on this subject, see the References section below and for part 3 of this series, check out this blog.
To find a therapist, Check out Psychology Today's Therapy Directory.
