I try really hard to be respectful to the people who talk to me, but my husband keeps texting me.
First he sent me a selfie with Rafi* and then an explanation of who stopped him on the way to the NICU.
He then suggested that he and Gillian* take a selfie and post it side-by-side on Facebook so they could finally show off that they were having two babies.
I'm sure people will ask if they are twins. But they are not twins. In fact, the baby is not ours.
Photo by Ann Lapin, used with permission.
James' dream has come true. His two babies were also born. Raffi is in the NICU with Tatte and Gillian is at her home with Eema.
I am taking care of the babies as a so-called “temporary parent.”
Photo by Ann Lapin, used with permission.
For the past four years, my family has cared for 22 newborns.
The program I am a part of is unusual. There is very little like it in the United States.
While the baby is in my care, the birth parents retain their legal parental rights and are encouraged to visit the baby (if they wish).
Photo by Ann Lapin, used with permission.
My three children before the babies met their forever moms.
Without the care of a temporary mother like me, these little babies might have to wait a few more days in the hospital until they can be adopted, or end up in the foster care system.
In New York State, birth parents can change their minds about their adoption plans within 30 days after the adoption process begins.
I became a tentative parent when a local mom posted about it on her local Yahoo! group.
“That's it! That's what I can do!” I thought as I looked at the computer screen.
I was very excited. I felt like I had finally found a form of community service that I could do, even though I didn't feel like I could do any other type of volunteer work. So, my girlfriend's husband and I applied. After months of doctor visits, background checks, interviews, and a referral from a close friend, we were accepted.
Photo by Stacey Natal/Total City Girl and used with permission.
We left the adoption agency with an empty stroller, but that didn't last long.
The hope of an interim residential care program is to allow birth parents time to clarify their decision without feeling pressured.
It also helps adoptive parents feel secure in their position as parents.
This day was special because I don't usually get the chance to see my baby come home. Approximately 30% of the babies I cared for were returned to their birth parents after their time with me, and the rest were adopted. Many birth mothers I know pursue open adoptions where they choose and meet their child's forever family.
People often ask me what interim parenting is like, but there are no rules. It varies from case to case.
Babies stay with us for several weeks on average. But one baby stayed for five days and the other for nine and a half weeks.
No matter the scenario, my family and I will be able to care for our baby until she gets home…no matter where “home” is.
Photo by Stacey Natal/Total City Girl used with permission.
This job can be emotionally challenging.
This job can be emotionally challenging. Some birth parents don't interact with us at all while we are making big decisions, while others end up being deeply involved. Some people will message you regularly to request photos and updates about your baby while they are in our care. In some cases, you may schedule weekly visits with your baby. One birth mother became such an integral part of our lives that she asked if her son could bake her cookies.
I am often moved by the gratitude of my biological parents.
Melody* is one of the most beautiful babies I have ever cared for, and I have met her parents several times. When they brought her back to her house, it was as if she was the only one in her room. When they thanked me for taking care of her, my lips began to tremble.
I had never met Gibran's father before when I held him in my arms the day we went home together. “From the bottom of my heart…words cannot describe what you have done for me,” he said. I remember him, the size of a linebacker, towering over me, clenching his jaw to keep tears from rolling down his cheeks.
Photo by Stacey Natal/Total City Girl and used with permission.
On the phone with a big smile on my face.
As I wave goodbye to the agency's social workers after introducing each baby to their forever family, I always wonder how long it will be until I can hold another baby.
I don't get attached to each baby, per se. But I'm obsessed with having a baby and taking care of a baby. I feel like I've lost my purpose, resenting my empty arms. That's why my heart skips a beat every time I see an adoption agency's phone number on my caller ID.
When the voice on the other end says, “Hello, Anne…are you ready for a baby yet?” my first thought is, “Baby, we're having a baby!” The excitement lasts for at least 48 hours.
But even when the adrenaline wears off and the sleepless nights start to take their toll, the experience of caring for each baby proves to be more than enough motivation for me to keep going.
The emotions that rise when my baby goes home with his parents, be they adoptive parents or birth parents, are not only due to the emptiness I feel in my arms, but also because of my well-being for the baby and his family. .
I feel this way because my heart is filled with gratitude for being a part of these babies' stories, even if only for a moment.
This article was written by Ann Lapin and originally published on 04.08.16.
