Gretchen Winterkorn, a mother and therapist, admitted that she changed her parenting style after realizing her neurodivergent son needed a different approach.
In a TikTok video, Winterkorn revealed that she and her husband are fully committed to a “difficult” method of parenting that she deems “low-demand parenting.”
A mother decided to try “less demanding parenting” by letting her homeschooled child make his own rules.
“As a family, we are trying something new: low-demand parenting. This is a pretty radical change for us,” Winterkorn began in the video.
She explained that before this shift, she was raising her children in a “relatively Waldorf style.” This meant screen time was extremely limited and all meals were eaten together. However, she came to the conclusion that this type of parenting style would not work for her son.
She began learning about her son and how his autism manifests, a form called pathological demand avoidance (PDA). PDA is a pattern of behavior in which a child excessively ignores or avoids what they perceive as a request, and is primarily seen in people with autism.
“I see myself in that profile too,” Winterkorn admitted. “So we decided to do this very difficult and undemanding parenting thing. We bought Amazon Fire iPads for our kids two weeks ago, and they never had anything like that.” That never happened.”
My son used to only be able to watch an hour of screen time each day on the weekends, but now he can watch as much screen time as he wants without being interrupted. I don't even let him come to the dinner table anymore.
Although this type of parenting may seem unsettling, Winterkorn claimed she has seen significant improvement in her son's behavior. In her follow-up video, she said that because her son is autistic, if she were to regulate and make decisions on her son's behalf, “that doesn't work, because my son doesn't have much autonomy or control.” “Because they're experiencing the loss of,” she explained. I'm trying to take away the choice from him. ”
By letting your child do things like setting their own bedtime and deciding what and when to eat, she says, “you're giving them control instead of taking it over.'' , because passing it on won't work.”
Despite the positive changes, it's still an uncomfortable path for Winterkorn to take as a parent, especially since it's a complete 180 degree change from how she previously raised her son. “It's a very worrying situation, but we're seeing really positive effects,” she said.
“If I took a snapshot of my son right now, I would look like…a neglectful parent,” she continued. “But actually, we're learning a lot about his nervous system and neurodivergence, and we're trying to support that.”
She admitted that this change is helping not only her son, but the entire family. She also noticed that the pressure and tension in her home had decreased considerably.
She said starting a low-stakes parenting journey reminded her of her own childhood.
“I started noticing that my son was eating ice cream on the iPad he bought two weeks ago, and when he didn't come to the dinner table and was sitting on my couch watching whatever he wanted, it reminded me of my dad's house. ,” Winterkorn said.
She said that when she was six years old, her parents divorced and her father left. Winterkorn's mother was “very controlling,” but going to her father's house freed her from her demands. “He was doing low-demand work before low demand became an issue,” she said. ”[His house] This was a place where you could play. ”
She recalled watching unlimited movies, eating raw cookie dough, drinking soda from a baby bottle, starting a fire, and climbing onto the roof of her father's house. In stark contrast to her mother's home, the mantra in her father's home was, “If it feels good and doesn't put anyone in danger…we can do it.”
Now that Winterkorn has started raising a less demanding child on her own, she's noticed how much it matches the way she was raised by her father. “I think it really did a lot for my nervous system, and it gave me a lot of confidence when I'm watching my own parenting and when I'm scared of other people watching me parent. I can now have it,” she shared.
Raising a child with autism (or any child for that matter) is not easy, and finding the right tools for your family can be difficult. But while undemanding parenting might not work for everyone, it did work for Winterkorn's son, and that's all that matters. Her journey has taught her that parenting choices should be made based on a child's well-being, and that while certain techniques may seem unconventional, they can have a very positive impact on a child's development. I'm proving it.
Nia Tipton is a Chicago-based entertainment, news and lifestyle writer whose work explores contemporary issues and experiences.
