- After my divorce, I became very involved in my daughters' lives.
- My eldest son is going to university this year, and he's already feeling lonely.
- I thought about moving closer to my daughter's college, but realized she needed her own space.
“Congratulations!” I said when my 18-year-old daughter, Mila Ann, called me. I was overjoyed because she got accepted into the university of her choice. After I hung up, my joy disappeared as I tried to accept that she was leaving.
There is a misconception that only mothers suffer from empty nest syndrome, but I learned that fathers also get the blues once they leave college.
My divorce was like a mandatory surgery, painful at first, but ultimately liberating as I realized I could get the most out of my children's childhood without the tension that pervades married families. I did. I was determined to make the most of my time with my two daughters.
It helped that the kids were able to establish a hobby. For the youngest child, Samara, it was soccer. Growing up in England with Indian parents, I already had a passion for the sport and was excited to spend my free time trekking across the country for tournaments. Millan loved books, which was also one of my passions. I used to see the light in her bedroom turn on when she was reading a book at night, before she talked about her novel on the way to her school the next day.
But over the next two years, once they both go off to college, I will be dealing with the loneliness of being without them.
As my daughters grew up, they grew further and further away from me.
Inevitably, my daughter's friends at school took priority. They are often gone for several days, having sleepovers or traveling to vacation homes.
Even though their absence almost swallowed me up in the yawn of time, I knew they would come back like the tide. However, this is not the case and both of them are currently preparing to go to university. Millan will retire in his August and Samara will start college the following year, so I need to fill my time. I don't want to play golf or do anything middle-aged men should do.
I'm not alone either. “What do we do? Working and paying the bills is boring.” These are the sentiments heard around the football touchline from fathers whose lives revolve around their children's sports.
I'm already starting to feel lonely
Many men don't like to talk about loneliness and depression, especially when society traditionally perceives our role as a stoic breadwinner. Perhaps that's why we often hear stories of mothers suffering from empty nest syndrome. But since 1965, when the role of parents was more clearly defined, the amount of time fathers spend with their children has tripled, according to the Pew Research Center. Children's absence hurts fathers too.
“I miss them the most,” my sister-in-law Smita said recently. “Please ask your brother.”
My two older brothers became extremely withdrawn when their children left home, going on week-long trips to hotels near their children's universities, taking them out to dinner with their roommates during their freshman year, and staying at hotels. I was working remotely from my room.
I can understand why they did that. The girls haven't left yet and I'm already feeling lonely.
I thought about moving closer to my daughter's campus.
When I was at my lowest and loneliest, I considered moving closer to the Milan campus. I also checked the rental and purchase prices on her real estate site, and imagined working remotely for her and having her over for dinner several times a week.
But I realized that by doing so, I was only prolonging the inevitable. I have to live my life just as she has to live hers.
I remembered myself at their age. I couldn't wait for the oversight to go away. I remember the crying faces of my parents at Heathrow Airport when I decided to move to America.
“You can go home anytime,” they said, hugging each other at the boarding gate. Many years will pass before that happens. In fact, they weren't even on my mind as my new life in New York evolved.
Now that my mother is elderly and widowed, I am spending more time with her than I have in years. Remote working has allowed me to consider returning to the UK to help with her care.
“I would love to spend the summer with him in England,'' Millan enthusiastically replied when I told him about my plans.
“Great!” I said, remembering what my parents told me. “You'll always have a place to call home.”
