Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My mother-in-law has never liked me, but she really doesn’t like any women. She is an unofficially diagnosed narcissist (only because she doesn’t believe in therapy). She is petty, manipulative, attention-seeking, and cruel (fat-shames daughter, multiple affairs). Over the years I have distanced myself more and more. I am never rude or mean, but it is known that I don’t want to be around her. We now have two young kids and she wants to see them more. She won’t ask or reach out and neither will my husband, which means it would be my job to facilitate. I have said I won’t do it. I won’t stand in the way and close the door, but I won’t be the planner. My siblings-in-law have said it is reaching a boiling point. One thinks I should put the grandparent relationship above all else, while the other gets it. My husband is largely on my side. My MIL is even drafting scorched earth-level letters to me about the situation. On one hand, I do not want to help a person who has never made me feel anything but unwelcome.
I also think she is a toxic person and a close relationship with her is not in my kids’ best interest. On the other hand, I don’t want to be responsible for growing family tension and division. The easy solution is for her to reach out and make plans, but she won’t. What do I do here?
—Defeated in Virginia
Dear Defeated,
You are not responsible for the tension or division in your husband’s family. Even if the relationship with your mother-in-law were less fraught, it would be primarily your husband’s job, not yours, to plan get-togethers or draw harder boundaries (with input from you, of course). Your MIL might be the problem, but your spouse is the one whose inaction is making her your problem. You say that he’s on your side, and yet he’s leaving you to deal with this alone—and take the heat from his family.
It’s ridiculous that your husband is allowing his mother to blame you for the distance between them—and write you furious letters!—while one of his siblings attempts to guilt you over the situation. The solution is not for you to reach out to your mother-in-law or attempt to manage that relationship, but for your husband to take responsibility and talk to his mother himself. If the two of you agree to see her and allow her to spend time with your kids, then he should take the lead with planning visits on whatever terms you’re both okay with. If he doesn’t want to see or talk to his mother more often, he should let her know that is his decision—and that if she attacks you for it, she risks further and/or permanent estrangement.
I know you’re in a tough spot, being blamed for your in-laws’ dysfunction—bad enough that you have to be involved in it at all. There’s nothing you can do to change any of them, but you can make it clear that you won’t accept responsibility for solving their issues or salvaging intra-family relationships. This is not your mess to clean up.
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My husband and I have two kids, 11-year-old “Jasper,” and 8-year-old “Penny.” Jasper has some pretty severe disabilities, including having very diminished mental capacity and physical limitations that mean he can’t be very active. He also can’t really be unsupervised. Penny has been generally really great with Jasper; they do have an argument occasionally, but it’s never been more than what I feel like is a typical sibling fight, and didn’t consist of Penny being mean to Jasper because of his disabilities.
A few months ago, my husband and I agreed that it was time for Penny to start doing some small chores (besides keeping her room neat and putting away her toys/art supplies/etc. when she’s done) around the house, and we sat her down to go over what we were going to be tasking her with: helping clean up after dinner/occasionally unloading the dishwasher, helping to vacuum or mop one day a weekend, and putting away her own laundry. We expected we might get some pushback, but we didn’t expect her to have a full-on tantrum. She railed about how unfair it was because Jasper doesn’t have to do chores, although we do expect basic things from him too (we also make him clean up his toys), and about how we “like Jasper more.” For the record, she had never said anything like this before. We reminded her gently that there’s a lot of fun things she can do that Jasper can’t, and she should think about that. We then asked her why she thinks we like Jasper more, and she didn’t have any specific examples, but said we pay more attention to him and do more stuff for him. We talked through this with her, explaining why it is that Jasper does require more of our attention, and how that doesn’t mean we love and care about her any less. At the time, she useemed to accept the situation.
Well, it’s been fairly miserable since we’ve implemented the chore schedule. Penny acts like a petulant toddler when it’s chore time, and even sometimes will stop speaking to us for a bit when she’s done. We were letting it go for a bit, and even made efforts to do an extra fun thing here or there—while we don’t want to reward a bad attitude, we understand this may be a difficult time for her as she gets older and realizes how much help Jasper really needs.
Then, the other day, I told her I’d take her on the weekend to see a movie she really wanted to see. Later at dinner, Penny turned to Jasper and said, “I’m going to the movies this weekend and you can’t go because you don’t know how to behave.” It’s pretty obvious that we need to get Penny into therapy to discuss her feelings about all of this. But there is a waiting list, and in the meantime, we can’t have her treating Jasper like that. We did give her consequences for what she said, which led to her again crying about how Jasper is treated better. Please, how do we be respectful of her emotions while also letting her know this behavior is not okay?
—In for a Penny
Dear In for a Penny,
I don’t disagree that talking with a therapist could help Penny name and process her feelings about this. I think it’s even more important for her to know that she can do all of that with you.
It’s hard for a child of 8 to not just feel, but know (because she has been told!) that her brother needs more of his parents’ attention than she does. That’s not an accusation: I know firsthand how much time and energy is required to support and care for a disabled child at home, advocate for them at school, etc. Then there’s the worry; the impossible desire to know if and how things might change in the future; all the feelings you need to acknowledge and process—while never, ever dropping the ball, because your kids need you. I don’t mention all this because I consider it a burden; I mention it because Penny is likely noticing and experiencing some of these things, too. Only she’s trying to figure it out as a child, without your maturity or ability to understand, and without all the information you have about Jasper.
Jasper has a right to privacy; I don’t think Penny is automatically entitled to know everything you know. You also don’t want her to feel responsible for meeting her brother’s needs, as though she is a third parent or caregiver. But you might want to consider what you’ve shared with her so far, and whether supplying more information (in transparent terms she can grasp) might help her better understand your family’s situation. For example, she might really think that Jasper “doesn’t know how to behave” in a movie theater. She shouldn’t have said that to him in such a hurtful way, or made a point about leaving him out—but after making that clear to her, I might have considered what she actually knows about why her brother behaves as he does, and whether she could hear and understand a clear and age-appropriate explanation. If she’s just guessing a lot of the time, picking up on the difference or the stress or your lack of time without really knowing why, she might be more worried or upset than she needs to be.
I know it might not feel like it, but it’s good that Penny was able to express so much of what she’s feeling. You don’t have to wonder; you know that she has some sadness and resentment over the fact that so much of your attention is focused on Jasper. She might also feel there’s less room for her to mess up, or ask for help, or need things from you, because she knows he needs so much. She has told you that she doesn’t feel as loved. And as hard as that was for you to hear, consider that her being so honest with you might also be a sign that she loves and really trusts you. She felt safe enough to say the thing she fears.
While assuring her that you love her just as much as you love her brother, I think you can also validate her feelings, and even thank her for sharing them with you. (Think how much worse it would be if she felt all this, but didn’t feel able to tell you.) Don’t shut her down when she calls out the imbalance she perceives; acknowledge how she feels and let her know that you hear her. Make it very clear that when she has hard feelings about this, you want her to bring them to you, and you’ll always listen—but she cannot take them out on her brother.
You’re trying your best to make sure both your kids get everything they need—which isn’t always the same thing as them getting the same things, or getting everything they want, because they have different needs. You can’t substantially change this situation for Penny, but you can listen and acknowledge that it feels difficult. Check in with her about this, on an ongoing basis; don’t wait for her to get upset and explode at you or Jasper. Think about ways to better support and advocate for her, too, and be intentional about carving out time to focus on her, like the movie. And when there must be consequences for missed chores or snide remarks, don’t let the consequences take the place of your attention or quality time. Make sure she hears and knows everything you appreciate about her. Do what you can to help your kids build and maintain a positive relationship with one another. I think you already know this, but it might be worth saying to Jasper and Penny at some point, too: Their sibling relationship doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s to be loving and valuable to both of them.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I think that my older sister is struggling with some complicated feelings about me having kids. When I was contemplating whether or not I wanted to have any, there was never any indication from her that she had an opinion at all, and instead she was helpful and encouraging, discussing her own experiences raising two little boys. Now that I’ve decided I do want kids and am pursuing certain courses of action to make it a real possibility, anytime the subject comes up (e.g., me talking about stopping my birth control pills), her tone of voice changes to sound impassive and lacking warmth and the subject is soon shut down or changed. It’s happened often enough since last year when I first started making plans that I have only brought up this topic 10-15 times over the course of the past 10 months, and for context, we practically talk every single day. I tend to keep it to the kind of information that would mean if I do get pregnant, it shouldn’t come as a surprise, but I ultimately keep a lot of thoughts and feelings to myself because of her reactions.
In an argument several months ago, she said something about me being “obsessed” with the idea of having a baby, and she alluded to how it would change my relationship with her and my nephews (as in, I wouldn’t be as available). I understand her concerns since I also felt like this when she got pregnant, but ultimately the adjustment from sister to aunt was so natural and beautiful that it made me want to have children of my own, rather than feel too wistful about how our relationship used to be before she became a mom. I know our relationship will change again if I do have children, but I hoped she would be excited enough to cope with any concerned feelings on her own, rather than make them obvious to me. It hurts that the one person I want to share my feelings with most of all can’t put her own feelings aside to be supportive in the way I need her to be. For context, she’s the only family I have. How can I address how much this hurts me while also being sensitive to her feelings? I love her more than anything.
—Devoted Sister
Dear Devoted Sister,
The closeness between you and your sister is the reason this hurts so much. That may seem obvious, but I mention it in case it helps at all to be reminded that you do have a strong relationship with her, one that should help you address and overcome this latest hurt. You can acknowledge that bond when you talk with her, perhaps starting with something like the following: “This is hard to bring up, but I feel like I have to because I love you, and you’re so important to me. It feels like maybe you aren’t sure how to react to my decision to have a baby. I’m closer to you than anyone else, and I really want to be able to talk with you about this. Your support would mean a lot to me.”
It’s okay to tell your sister that you’re hurt by her behavior, because you want to be able to share something this important with her. You can also try to push back in the moment when she says things you don’t like or understand (such as “you’re obsessed with the idea of having a baby” or “you won’t be as present for my kids”). But if she sounds more anxious than contentious when she talks about your impending parenthood, I would encourage you to ask her what’s behind that anxiety, and try to discover how she’s thinking about this upcoming change in your life and your relationship. Not because her feelings matter more than yours, but because hearing the truth from her, whatever it is, would be far better than trying to guess what she’s thinking. If she has a chance to talk through her feelings and worries with you, whatever those are, maybe that will help her to move past them and be more supportive of you.
Dear Care and Feeding,
What is a good age for your kids to start to be exposed to the news? When I was a kid, I remember my parents always watched the news before dinner while my siblings and I were either playing or working on homework. It was kind of present for us in the background and we were somewhat aware of what was going on in the world, and then as I got older I would sometimes just sit and watch with them. Right now, my husband and I watch the news after our kids (2, 2 and 4) go to bed. While they are at this age that feels right to me. But at some point, I would like to get into a similar routine to what my parents did. We watch PBS NewsHour, so it’s not super sensationalized, but clearly there are things in the news that are upsetting and would be challenging to explain to children. Is there an agreed upon or common age when it is appropriate to start introducing kids to the news?
—Start Spreading the News?
Dear News,
Well, if we broaden the definition of “introducing kids to the news” to “having NPR on in the car,” I suppose I started as soon as my kids were born? But I probably wouldn’t watch the news with small children who are both old enough to grasp what’s being said and young enough to be alarmed or frightened by it. When I searched for answers to your question, I found suggested ages ranging from 7 to 10 for television news. Even then, you can turn off especially violent segments—you can talk with your kids about important issues without showing them deeply distressing images.
Obviously, much depends on your individual children and their ability to understand what’s being reported. But in any case, just putting the news on at home doesn’t seem like enough—you should also be able to offer explanations if needed and answer any questions they have. Whether or not your kids ever actually sit and watch the nightly news with you, I think it’s really important to talk in an honest, age-appropriate way with them about the world we live in, encouraging them to think about specific issues and form values and opinions based on facts. There’s no reason that can’t start right now, so long as you start with what you think they’ll be able to understand.
—Nicole
More Advice From Slate
I could sure use your help navigating a family and faith issue. My husband and I were raised in different religions (he’s Muslim, I’m Christian), which neither of us practice—we are both very secular. Still, we are committed to raising our now-18-month-old son with exposure to each faith, making sure he knows he can make his own choices. My family lives in the South and is all strongly evangelical, and they weren’t very happy about our marriage. For the most part they’ve come around, or at least shut up. Now my sister has told me that our parents have told her that if our son ever asks them about religion, they’ll “tell him the truth,” including the fact that my husband is going to hell, if they’re directly asked.
