- My family sometimes thinks we spoil our kids, but that doesn't change the way I parent.
- Since giving birth to my first daughter, I have followed my intuition.
- Parenting in a caring way feels right and what I've read supports me.
I am a mother of three girls, ages 7 and under, and I am confident in the way my husband and I parent.
I also had to listen to disapproving comments from relatives for years. People who are convinced that we are “spoiling” our children.
When you follow your baby's cues when he wants to feed, your baby may say, “You don't have to eat anymore.” If you shake or hug your baby too much, you may have been warned, “You don't want your baby to get used to it.'' She has been ridiculed once for sitting patiently with an upset older child without telling him, “It's okay” or “That's enough.”
And there is constant talk about how “better” children are when they are quiet or readily comply with adult requests.
I don't think I spoil my children. I believe in raising my children for long-term mental and emotional well-being. I'll never be completely confident in myself (who could be in parenting?), but I do what I do for a reason.
I listened to my intuition from the beginning.
Despite the popularity of parenting content on social media, I didn't arrive at my parenting philosophy through the internet. I remember ten years ago, when I was a new mother, looking at my baby. Every day it became clearer to me that what I was standing in front of was a complete human being worthy of dignity and respect.
A few months later, I found a book in the library written by a woman called “Elevate Your Parenting.” Janet Lansbury, a renowned teacher of child care philosophy at RIE (or Resources for Early Childhood Educators). Although this approach deeply resonated with me, I didn't connect my parenting identity to it or think much about the “admiring parent” label. I was simply happy to see something that reflected my intuition about the delicate care I wanted to provide my baby.
Learned the neuroscience behind child development
A few years later, I came across another book about childhood and how it affects the rest of your life called Being There: Why Prioritizing Motherhood in the First 3 Years Matters . The magazine said that treating young children with respect and compassion is not just a parenting style, but is actually extremely important for healthy brain development.
I have learned that the love and nurturing that children receive in their early years builds a strong foundation for their long-term mental and emotional health. I cried because the work I had done with children was felt and affirmed. It often felt invisible and unappreciated. Since then, I have learned a lot more and more about how this works.
I thought about my own mental health.
Over the years, I've become more aware of my own mental health issues, especially anxiety, and while mothering in this way, I've come to realize the dots between my own mental health and my experiences growing up. started to connect.
My childhood looked great from the outside, but in reality, I didn't receive the emotional regulation and relationship care I needed. I am determined to change this for my children.
I am grateful that my family judged my parenting.
In our culture, it is common to prioritize productivity over happiness. How we prioritize these two things is reflected in how we parent and how we judge how others parent.
The task of harmonious parenting certainly does not seem to be productive. It's not efficient or particularly specific. Parents who focus more on helping their children overcome difficult situations than on producing tangible results are sometimes misunderstood.
This is especially true as children become toddlers and begin to need more behavioral guidance. I remember one time when my mother was home and the two older girls got into an argument that escalated into physical attack. My middle child is often at fault for these things, but she was so upset that the first thing I did was sit beside her as she cried. did. My mom looked at me and said, “So you're just going to leave her alone?”
I didn't reply. I had to raise a child. Once her daughter had calmed down, she called her oldest daughter over and we all talked about what had happened. They were both doing bad things, but I was able to mediate a conversation between them. We both took responsibility for our roles in this matter and learned something that will help us in future interactions.
It would have been easy to deliver quick, tangible results like a lecture or a time-out. However, I am committed to providing care that allows me to feel how they feel and hear their perspective. This kind of parenting is not easily understood by the casual observer, but that day stands out as the moment when my mother was able to understand how and why we do things the way we do.
I'm parenting intentionally and I believe that's enough.
Over the years, comments from my family became less frequent as they looked at our behavior and considered the validity of our parenting style. But I'd be lying if I said I never worry that our expectations aren't high enough. That we are somehow spoiling them more than is really good for them.
But then I think about my own experience.and i read neuroscience. And, as I have from the beginning, I listen to my intuition.
I may not be a perfect parent, but I am an intentional parent. It's all I can do and I believe it's enough.
