Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Have questions about care and feeding? Please submit here.
Dear care and food,
My daughter started “ruining” my work. They divorced a few years ago, and her wife had custody. Since then, my daughter hates me and every time I see her daughter, she does everything to make my life even more miserable. She always tries to get me fired. Do you think she will grow out of this situation (she is currently 15 years old)? What can I do to stop my little “spoiler” (as she calls it)?
—continue employment
To everyone who continues to be employed
Even though it's not uncommon for children her age to go through a phase where they can't stand one or both of their parents, you shouldn't take it for granted that your daughter will grow up only hating you. But she's not just being rude or detached; she's actively trying to harm you. Are you and your ex-wife able to communicate with each other about your child? You need to talk to her about what she's been up to, and ideally you and her daughter can bring up the topic together. If a three-person conversation is not possible, ask her ex-husband to address her daughter's behavior towards you and encourage her to treat you with respect.
Whether you talk to your daughter with your ex or one-on-one, be honest about how her behavior made you feel. First, acknowledge that she is suffering from the breakup with her mother, and make sure that she understands that even though her marriage is over, you will always be her father. How these attempts to “ruin” your job can put you in financial trouble, not just for you but for her (and if you're paying alimony) Talk about things that can affect her (her mother) as well. This is the time to reassure your girlfriend how much you love her and that you want to enjoy spending time with her. But she needs to find another way to convey her feelings to you.
By the way, how often do you see your daughter? Is your visitation schedule determined by the court or can you and your ex decide when to meet? Are you often busy with work when she comes over? If she isn't spending quality time with her often, that could be one of the reasons for her anxiety. If possible, try to make plans to spend quality time on a regular basis. You and your ex may consider seeing a therapist or counselor to help her sort out her feelings about the divorce.
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Dear care and food,
I'm a college student, but my family is 10 minutes away, so I often go home. My sister is 16 and I'm almost certain she's bisexual or something close to it. My mom and I have noticed that she gets nervous and shy around men, women, boys, and girls, as if she has a crush. I've never mentioned this to her mother because it's none of my business, but on several occasions her mother has commented:[Sister] She blushed and tried to hide the fact that she was being stared at because she couldn't stop staring at the girl. What do you think? “I gave her a vague answer because I felt weird speculating about my sister and her sexuality. My mom is generally pretty picky. My sister doesn't hide her feelings. I'm not very good at it, so when I have a crush on someone, it's easy to find out. She's pretty shy, but she has a close-knit group of friends. Even if she was dating one of them, I wouldn't be able to tell. I wouldn't be surprised. There's a girl I recently befriended who seems to be hiding something when I talk about her. My mother talked to us about being safe in relationships, but my sister… I don't think it matters to us as long as we do that.
My mom recently told me that she was going to ask girls outright if they liked her. No amount of persuasion can change her mother's mind on such matters. I'm sure she's supportive (she said some weird things about our cousin who got engaged to her boyfriend last year, but she's ultimately very happy with them), but she's not sure about coming out. I also understand that being forced can be harmful if so. I want to warn her sister, but I can't do so without letting her know that I've noticed a pattern of her infatuation with both men and women. what do i do?
-Pry open the closet door
Dear Tiering Open
I understand that your mom doesn't budge, but consider talking to her again and making sure you don't vent what you observed to your sister. Instead, tell your sister that she may be attracted to boys, girls, or both as she begins her love and relationship journey, but that you will always support her no matter what her preferences are. . This is much more effective than telling her, “I can't help but notice that you seem attracted to women.”
If it is not possible to change the mother's contact information, ideally the mother should have a conversation with her sister before contacting her. By asking a few questions about her love life, you can open the door for her to share herself. Are you meeting someone? Is there someone you have a crush on? “If she says she's actually attracted to a girl, she can always tell you about her dates, and unless she feels like she's in danger, she won't tell anyone else anything.'' You can let her know you don't want to share. You can go on to explain that her mother is aware of it and that she is going to tell her mother about it. Offer to be a part of the conversation so you can be a buffer and get her back on track if she goes off track.
If your sister doesn't tell you that she's interested in girls, let her know that your mom has commented to you on various occasions that she seems attracted to girls and that she plans to tell your sister about it. Please tell me kindly. You can be honest with her about your own observations and how she sometimes seems to have a crush on her. It's important to reiterate that no matter who she's interested in dating, you'll always be there to support her and that whatever her preferences are, that's totally fine. It's okay to find a girl attractive and appealing even if you don't actually want to be with her. Ask if there is anything she would like her mom to say on her behalf. She may insist that her mother stop confronting her, regardless of how your mother describes her own sexual preferences.
Your sister may admit to you that she is interested in girls, but she may also tell you that she is not. And that could very well be true. It's not uncommon for people to be attracted to people of a different gender than the one they're interested in dating. She may envy or simply find the traits of these girls and women interesting. Neither you nor your mother should force your sister to “come out” if she is actually “in.” Give your girlfriend the opportunity to discuss her sexuality as she sees fit, and encourage her mother to do the same.
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Dear care and food,
My wife and I have a 13-year-old son who has recently, for lack of a better description, started exploring the eye-opening things that interest teenage boys. It's a plan to become a cryptocurrency trading millionaire and a 14-car garage. Miami will be filled with Lamborghinis and (for some reason) Jeep Wagoneers, showing the dominance of your favorite video game streamer. I just laughed to myself, remembering my “plan” as a teenager to become an R&B singer with a four-acre pool. But my wife is very logical and argumentative, and she has to challenge him at every turn, with many sources to back her up. How can he cover the maintenance costs of a fleet of cars with such low reliability? Can he even explain how blockchain works?
Every time this story comes up I cringe. She's a well-educated, grown-up woman who can't make her child think of ridiculous fantasies without using logic and data to put herself in her position (just to be clear, he doesn't). (He hasn't shown any signs of misogyny or any other issues, he's doing well in school, and he's just a normal annoying person). I have advised her to leave her alone, but she insists that her stupid declaration, which she cannot properly defend, deserves to be struck down. I know that teenage boys aren't always very likable, but how can I tell her that this is embarrassing (and probably causes long-term resentment) without making her nervous? do you have?
—Let the boy have a Wagoneer
Dear Let the Boy
You've summarized it well here. He's just going through a phase where he's fed up. Who among us hasn't? To her wife, her disappointment may not do much to persuade her son to change her interests, but may instead cause her son to dislike or dislike her. Please explain that it is very expensive. Let her know that you hear her logical objections to his plans for the future. But unless he's neglecting his schoolwork, extracurricular activities, or responsibilities around his house due to his interest in cryptocurrencies or cars, there's no reason not to let him have these fantasies. . (And you can both monitor his online activity to see if he's delving into the more insidious sides of these spaces.) She challenges him from time to time. You can, but it would be too much to discuss him every time one of his charms comes up.
–Jamila
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I'm getting married to a wonderful man in August. He has his 11 year old daughter who lives with us during the week and goes to his mother's on the weekends. I have known my girlfriend for 4 years and have lived with her and her father for 3 years. She has always been a wonderful child. It was easy for me to connect with her because I love her and she always reminds me so much of her childhood. Unfortunately her behavior is getting worse and we don't know what to do.
