Well, it finally happened. I am currently raising a child who is a judge. Karma has a funny old-fashioned bite.
For years, I've been advising parents on how to build better relationships with teenagers in the home. I have used all of my experience working with teenagers in both schools and clinics to develop practical strategies to ease the tumultuous years of adolescence.
Of course, between the ages of 13 and 17 is especially difficult.
Because the human brain is not fully developed, teens may work with poor impulse control and low risk-averse thinking. That can often be confusing to parents. (“Why are you so stupid?”)
I've often said that adolescence is about spending time together in a different way. That beautiful child who looked up to you as a colossus in childhood is still there.
They may not depend on you like they used to, they may challenge you or push you away, but your relationship will flourish again, and it will continue to grow during this early teenage period. It is important to be together in different ways.
I would like to warn parents that you cannot be your child's best friend. Because your best friend won't tell you what time to go to bed, what to eat, or what time to get home.
I issue this warning because I have seen firsthand the damage that reversal of hierarchy can do to the peace of a beloved family.
We've seen what happens when there are no boundaries and how teenagers struggle within those dynamics.
I told my parents that they had to think about their role as preservers of autonomy.
What I meant is that they have to give teenagers more freedom while maintaining the role of a supportive parent.
It's not easy, but it's essential to a healthy adolescence.
Well, I am one of those parents now. It will be interesting to see if all that theory holds up in living with a screener.
Last Saturday, I saw my baby celebrating his teenage birthday with about 60 other excited teens.
Fake tans, belted dresses, spectacularly large eyelashes, overly enthusiastic screams when someone new walks into the room. I wish someone would react the same way they did when I walked into a room!
It was interesting to observe. If you look at the boys, you can see how young the girls were.
For the group as a whole, the boys were a more accurate barometer of age. All the girls looked much older, but they were still babies.
When a new song came on, we hugged each other and screamed. Children playing an adult game of complex human communication.
A funny moment was when “Murder on the Dance Floor” blared from the speakers. Some of the girls started playing worms. I didn't know where to look. I wanted to put my jacket over them.
Of course, they were pulling out their phones and making little clips for Snapchat and TikTok. But in reality they were together and sharing a celebration. As they left, they thanked us for a wonderful evening.
I often hear negative comments about teenagers, such as their selfishness and obsession with their devices. But these teens are like all teens before them: insecure, insecure, and trying to figure out who they are.
I think we forget how difficult it is to be an adult. Uncertainty about who you are and the huge impact that other people's words have on you. It's a difficult time for young people. we have to remember that.
We were all teenagers once, struggling to find ourselves.
The only difference with this group is that technology exposes them to adult themes from an early age, making them more easily excluded.
It can have a devastating effect on their soul. I see it often in my clinic.
I want teens to understand how their actions affect each other.
Exclusion can be their weapon of choice, as they push one of their former friends out of the group, who is now isolated and alone with no one to talk to.
I sat down with some very upset young teenage girls and listened to what happened to their social circles. The devastation is absolute. We must do more to show, especially to teenage girls, the impact that exclusion has on the excluded.
Schools need better programs that highlight how students' behaviors affect each other.
Because they rarely hear testimonies from those they exclude, their voices are silenced, and their experiences are silenced.
The more empathy they have, the less likely they are to exclude each other when problems arise.
Teenagers experience the same challenges all the time. 100 years from now, they will still be insecure and struggling to find their identity.
The soundtrack may change, and Bob Dylan and John Lennon may not be blaring through the speakers, but the challenge will be the same.
Being an adult is always a difficult task.
I have finally started raising my screener. We will keep you informed of the progress. Please say a prayer.
