My daughter just turned one year old, and every time I think about it, I want to cry.
Don't get me wrong, her first birthday was a great celebration, but it wasn't without a little sadness.
Because there's a good chance she'll be the last. baby.No more baby bumpno more neonatal period No more small dresses.
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It also means no childbirth, no nursing battles, and no waking up 10 times a night. But of course, where I stand now, I have rose-colored glasses. first 12 months I've been playing.
To celebrate this milestone, like many parents, I chronicled the year we spent together from her birth to her first birthday. However, as I looked back on her past year, I realized that both her father and I shed tears.
Not because this year has been one of the most difficult ever for us (though it has been), but because we feel incredibly lucky to have had another child. But no, because it makes me sad to think about what her birthday actually means.
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There are no more babies in our lives.
A subtle feeling of sadness creeps in, reminding us that we are not planning on having any more children.
We tell ourselves it makes sense on many levels: financially, mentally, emotionally, physically (I limped to the finish line with my last pregnancy) ).
Still, that doesn't make the decision not to have anymore any easier. In fact, the mental gymnastics my brain does sometimes make me wonder if we're making mistakes.
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My fiancé and I have always wanted to have three children. However, since we met a little later in life, I feel that after having two children, maybe I'll get lucky and aim for my third child.
We also don't know if our tired brains will be able to do it all over again next time with two toddlers in tow.
But then again, people say it's much easier to go from having two to three kids than from one to two, but is that really the case?
And the vicious cycle of thinking continues.
I think a big part of the mental back and forth is that after becoming a mother of two children, I learned some things that no one told me before having my second child.
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1. While there's a massive influx of love that comes with a new arrival, there's also a massive influx of mom guilt. Now I have to share my time equally with both children. From what I've heard, this condition doesn't really go away until adulthood, and some of it still lingers into adulthood.
2. It's hard not to get FOMO when your partner spends one-on-one time with their first child. I missed trips to the zoo, bus rides into the city, and adventures at the beach while caring for a crying baby who struggled to feed.
3. Moving on to the next point. Breastfeeding sucks. It was not easy for me and my children to understand because our tongues were tied. It was difficult, painful, anxiety-inducing, and there was little support to resolve the issue. This is one of the reasons why I don't think I'll be able to experience her third time, and I won't be able to experience her third time.
4. It's almost impossible not to compare the two kids, from how they look to how they act to when they hit different milestones. Ironically, the son's strengths are the daughter's weaknesses and vice versa. Her son started crawling at 5 months old, and her daughter still crawls around the house. But physically her son was better, but her daughter is a much faster communicator and she can sleep and eat amazingly well, while her son is not . I know we shouldn't compare, but when our first child becomes the benchmark for her second child, it's hard not to.
5. Extreme fatigue occurs because your attention is forever divided. I know this is parenting, but that doesn't mean it's okay to complain once in a while. Keeping two kids out of trouble is a relentless job and I wouldn't change it for the world, but I can't even imagine how difficult it would be to throw another baby in there.
So, while I may be hanging up my baby boots for good, I'm grateful every day that I was lucky enough to have a child in the first place.
Because constant hugs, loving glances, hand squeezes, and funny phrases that come out of your mouth make all the long nights, heartaches, birth scars, and extra gray hairs worth it.
And one more thing: I don't know if I want to risk changing everything.
