All parents want to give their children the best possible education. For many people, that means being “perfect” in everything, at least in front of their children. Trauma therapist Yolanda Renteria disagrees. She believes that such methods do more harm than good to children. It creates a relationship in which children cannot be vulnerable with their parents, which has been found to be problematic both in childhood and adulthood. Renteria elaborates on this claim of hers in an interview with Andrea Miller on the podcast “Open Relationships: Transforming Together.” Her interview delved into the identity issues that children typically face and how parents can support them.
The conversation about “perfect parents” arose as the hosts and guests were discussing how parents try to heal their own wounds through their children. By doing so, we block our children from the experience of being hurt and learning something from it. Her co-host Joanna Schroeder shared her own personal story about how, in her own upbringing, she made sure her children didn't face situations that would make them feel stupid. I was attuned to. Because she wasn't diagnosed and it was something she had to deal with. ADHD. “I was too concerned about my kids never failing, never having a hard time,” she said. Although care is justified and a product of experience, Renteria believes that parents should be careful about how much of their own burden they “project” onto their children.
Most parents fall into this pattern and find it difficult to break out of it. Because they are “protecting” it in their head. While protecting their children, parents often fail to build strong character in them to face difficult situations in adulthood. Renteria's solution is that parents have to stop seeing things in “black” and “white.” Children must let go of the idea that they can be “perfect parents.” Even if their intentions are good, you have to be willing to see the other side of the coin. In her opinion, it's okay to be messy rather than creating the wrong image in front of your children, and they'll carry it with them for the rest of their lives. Schroeder agreed, sharing that people “go to therapy because of their perfect parents.”
Miller explained that parents' overprotection and striving for perfection can lead to “learned helplessness” in children. In an “everything is done for me” situation, children have no room to understand how to function when they feel that their situation does not match. Renteria said relationships between parents and children are also affected because communication is cut off. The therapist says, “One of the best things you can do as a parent is accept that you're messing up. I'll tell you why.'' When your child grows up, you'll realize that you're the perfect parent. If that's the case, the child wins.'' They can't tell you how they failed because they're too afraid of hurting your feelings…you get defensive and aren't going to accept it because they tried their best. ”
Moreover, this habit of striving for perfection can leave parents exhausted. This makes it difficult for children to accept when they do not follow the path they have set for themselves. It feels like a betrayal of trust. A healthier way to parent is to be human and make mistakes, even in front of your children. Renteria follows this in his own life. She further added, “One of the things I practice is telling my kids how I've failed. For example, I just realized that I did this – I'm sorry. And it's a constant apology.” It's not something you should do, but it's about realizing that: I'm human too, and I make mistakes, but I'm trying because I care. ” This scenario not only prioritizes the mental health of both parties, but also creates an open bond that lasts into adulthood. Children will be more willing to discuss problems with their parents without feeling guilty.
