There are few life events more important than becoming parents for the first time, so when it happens to someone close to you, it's incredibly exciting. Whether it's bringing the casserole, holding the baby, or buying 100 cute onesies, it's natural to want to quickly check on new parents to make sure they're safe. But amid all that excitement, it can be hard to remember that supporting new parents is about them and their journey.
The first year of parenting can be tough, to say the least, and it may take some time for new parents to prepare for visits from friends and family. Once they do, it's important to support them not just in the way you want to help, but in the way they need on their own timeline. So how can you be present and helpful without overwhelming new parents? TikTok's Shauna Lander has some thoughts.
Lander is an actor, author, and mother of two who is known for sharing parenting tips in the form of various skits. Lander started her TikTok account primarily by posting about relatable mom moments, but she's cultivated quite a community since she was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2021. Lander, who is now cancer-free, continues to provide her nearly 449,000 followers with skits to help them navigate potentially difficult social interactions. In a parent-child relationship.
Lander tackles nearly every step of parenting, whether it's calling the OB-GYN for her first pregnancy appointment or helping in-laws understand their place in their grandchildren's lives. is. Her videos are useful not only for new parents, but also for parents, such as the etiquette of politely asking about the circumstances of someone's birth, the importance of not imposing one's own experience on new parents, and the importance of not imposing one's own experience on new parents. It's also helpful for friends who have questions about inappropriate behavior, etc. You may think so, but it's helpful.
We spoke to Lander to share her etiquette rules for dealing with new parents. Below are her key points.
Congratulate them now, but wait to invite yourself.
Lander said it's always nice to receive congratulatory messages as soon as you hear about the baby, but it's a very busy time, so don't get upset if you don't hear back. Landwer recommends waiting at least two weeks before asking your friends if they are accepting visitors.
Just because your friend has a baby doesn't mean your contact frequency will suddenly increase. “A lot of calls and texts from you, even with good intentions, can be overwhelming for your new parent friend if you haven't already been in frequent contact,” says Lander. If you were in daily contact before the baby was born, Lander recommends she check in every one to three days. Also, if you think they're slow to respond, give them a few days before checking in again. If your baby starts talking less often before he's born, check on him every few weeks.
Let new parents take the lead.
Knowing how best to support new parents can be difficult, especially if you have no experience raising children yourself. Parenting is a unique journey for everyone, so it's very important to support new parents in a way that's tailored to their needs.
“New parents are entering a phase of complete change in their lives, and they're doing everything they can to be the best parents they can be for their baby,” Lander says. “They need to respect their parenting choices and vocally support their caregiving abilities, just as much as they make dinner and do the dishes.”
When interacting with new parents, it's usually best to let them set the pace and tone of communication and visits.
“New parents tend to be excited about the birth of their child, so they may be eager to discuss specifics, so stop asking questions,” says Lander. “On the other hand, if new parents seem hesitant or don't provide information about something, don't pressure them. For example, if you ask them about their childbirth experience, don't give them too much pressure. If you don't elaborate, they're probably thinking, “I'm not ready to discuss it yet.''
We want to make your visit as easy and stress-free as possible.
It's best to keep your visits to new parents short and make it clear that you don't expect them to entertain you. The last thing they should worry about is feeding you when you visit.
What should I do when I visit? It depends on your level of friendship. “When neighbors stop by, bring them a casserole, ask how the new parents are feeling, tell them how beautiful their babies are, and stay for 15 minutes,” says Lander. “If you're your child's best friend, spend every 10 minutes exclaiming your awe for your bright, gorgeous child while listening to your best friend describe in detail what it felt like when her water broke.”
Ask questions before offering advice.
According to Lander, there are only two scenarios in which it would be appropriate to give advice to new parents. One is when new parents ask for advice and you have something helpful to say about it. The second case requires a little more tact. “If you have advice on a topic at hand, but haven't been specifically asked for it, ask a friend if they would like to hear it,” Lander advises. “If they say yes, tell them what you know. If they say no, trust that your friend is smart and capable and doing their best, and don't give any advice or opinions.” Keep it to yourself, and you should do so under all circumstances.”
Helping means more than holding a baby.
First of all, it's perfectly fine to ask to hold your new baby, Lander says. “But it's okay for new parents to say no, and they have their reasons for saying no, so don't press the issue.”
However, keep in mind that holding your baby to let parents “run errands” may not be as helpful as you might think, Lander says. While some new parents may welcome the break, others don't want to hand over their sweet new baby. If you really want to be helpful, it's best to offer several options. For example, ask, “Can I clean or hold the baby while you take a break?”
When offering to help with cleaning, make it clear that you really want to help. That way, you won't feel like your friend is making a point about the cleanliness of your home. Offering to fold the laundry or wash the dishes can be very helpful to new parents, as long as your suggestions are supportive.
Don't forget to be considerate to your parents!
“Focus on the new parents as much as you do on the baby,” says Lander. “We wouldn't have had a baby without them, and they're important too.”
If you want to bring a gift, you can't go wrong choosing one that is listed in the baby's registry. However, if you want to offer something more focused to parents, GrubHub or Amazon gift cards may be helpful. If you're visiting in person, bring coffee, flowers, or even food. Pro tip to help landers reach the top? Book a house cleaning service.
Don't be upset if the new parents aren't ready to visit yet.
“New parents are adjusting to major life changes that deeply impact every aspect of their lives,” Lander says. “They may be overstimulated, almost certainly overworked, and overwhelmed with learning to care for a new baby.”
There are many reasons why new parents may not be ready to have visitors, so it's best to try not to take it personally. She further added, “They love you and are excited to introduce you to their new baby. They just need a little space and time to adjust first. Don't push the issue. Please acknowledge that,” he added.
Kaley Rohlinger is a freelance writer for POPSUGAR focused on health, fitness, food, and lifestyle content. Her background is in the marketing and communications industry, and she has been contributing to POPSUGAR for over 4 years.
