Try “I Just Spanked Out of Love”

I don't understand why there's such a fuss about spanking. I was beaten as a child, but it's okay. My parents did it out of love. I like everything I'm learning in this class. And of course, I want to learn how to be the best mom I can be. But I think you guys are exaggerating about not spanking. Also, the Bible says, “Spare the rod and be sweet to your children,” so I respect my parents and spank my children. – Sarah, 25 years old, parenting class participant

Many years ago, I was leading a post-traumatic parenting class at a community center's outpatient clinic. Participants were a diverse group of parents. Some were encouraged to attend classes through programs that allowed parents to participate in activities that benefited them. Some were introduced by their schools. Some people saw our flyer and signed up. It's an incredibly diverse group, and because of that diversity, there was a lot of openness and sharing.

When I was teaching about helping children behave without spanking, one mother interjected that she really didn't think spanking was that harmful. Other parents quickly interjected.

Being spanked didn't make me hate my mother. It made me hate myself. I felt so out of control and then she hit me and I felt even worse and I wanted to explode but couldn't. And it was just like a shock. The physical pain added to the overwhelming emotions inside me, shorting out my system and making me really quiet. However, I would never want that for my children. –Jamie, 26 years old

Most of the parents in the group were happy to learn alternatives to spanking. Every parent had a unique story of childhood trauma and wanted to parent differently than how they were raised. We learned about behavioral language, attachment theory, and how to create a sense of safety and security. We learned about teaching children how to understand their emotions, how to restore their body budget, and how to use words to resolve conflicts.

There was great hope within the group and many reports of victories.

Slowly, the group united around one central philosophy: parenting according to their values. And all parents agreed that spanking is not consistent with their values.

All parents except one.

Sarah continued to insist that her culture, religion, and upbringing (not to mention her children's liveliness and temperament) made spanking inevitable and that this was not such a bad thing.

This created friction within the group, as everyone else was trying to parent without spanking. Everyone shares that they try hard not to spank. There are various reasons for this. It's confusing for the child, it teaches them that their parents are dangerous, and it doesn't work in the long run. People say, “My kids have calmed down a lot since I stopped.” “My stepfather used to spank me, but anything he did, I want to do the opposite.'' But Sarah knows she only knows how to spank out of love. He continued to claim that he was doing this for religious reasons.

One time I called a Bible scholar and asked him about “sparing the rod and spoiling the child.” he asked, sure this meant spanking a child. If you examine this verse, he said, you will see that the rod in question can be interpreted as a shepherd's deceiver, a tool used to bring stray sheep back into the fold.

When I asked Sarah if this interpretation meant she could stop spanking, she said she would consider prioritizing the “cuddle” aspect of parenting, but that she still had the right to spank out of love. replied that he had reservations.

At this point I started to get interested. Why is Sarah coming back? And were her views justified? Was she spanking her out of love? Is that possible?

Group members from the same cultural and religious background said they used to think the same way as Sarah, but now think spankings stem from disregulation and anger. . She challenged Sarah to prove that she can only spank out of love and there is no anger involved. Sarah said, “If I could, I would!''

I asked Sarah if she would be willing to try an experiment.

I asked if I could delay the spanking by 24 hours for a week.

If her child did something that would normally warrant a spanking, she would use one of the strategies we learned to write it down and make sure that 24 hours later he was still spanked. You can spank someone if you believe they deserve it. I didn't believe there was any other way Sarah would really be open to trying a different strategy. (See here and here for alternative spanking strategies, and here for a demonstration of some gamified parenting techniques.)

A week later, she emailed her diary to me to share with the class.

So the strangest thing happened that week. I really wanted to do an experiment to prove that I only spank out of love.

My son did some provocative things. One day – he hit her sister and her sister fell down. I went to hit him, but then he remembered the experiment. So I instead told her to get comfortable on the couch and focused on comforting her daughter. I remember what you said about correction and overcorrection, so I said that her sister lost her mood and I had to find a way to get her sister's mood back. He offers her that she can eat double the dessert to make up for it, but he won't take any of it himself.

There was no point in bashing him the next day. Everyone was in a happy mood, his sister was okay and he seemed to have learned his lesson.

I work late on Wednesdays, and my son is usually super busy the next morning. I have a hard time getting out of bed and his head is pounding and he gets up super early and yells over the edge and jumps on the counter and I don't have the energy to deal with it.

He was jumping up and down on the counter so I asked him to come over to me and give me a hug. My grandma babysits me when I work late, so I asked him how it was at grandma's house last night. And he laid his head on me and said he really misses sleeping at grandma's house. We did the cuddling pretzel thing you showed us in class, and I told him I missed him too when he had to work late. I told him that mommy still needs more sleep by the time he goes to kindergarten and that he can either cuddle with me in bed here or watch his show on his tablet with earphones on, but he can sit on the counter. I said I can't just jump in and make one. noise. He chose to sit next to my bed and watch his show on my earphones, and I was actually able to sleep until my alarm went off. When I woke up, he had a surprise for me and dressed me up. He is very proud to be able to dress himself now.

Obviously, there was no point in bashing him the next day. I think I'm knocking out of anger, or at least desperation. Some people may spank you out of love, but I'm not one of them.

The plural form of anecdote is not data. But I'm still waiting to meet parents who can prove that they spank only out of love.

References