My 8-year-old daughter received an invitation to her first sleepover. There's no way her father will let her go.
“In the old days,” as my daughter would say, I often went to sleepovers. I walked the few blocks to my girlfriend's friend's house and hung out in her room, which had a New Kids on the Block poster on it. I rode my bike to a nearby stream and played by myself. Today I did a lot of things for my kids that they shouldn't have done without me.
My mother is a very sensitive person (by both herself and others) who thinks I'm going to die if I don't call her every day, but back in the 1980s and 1990s, she thought I was going to die. He didn't seem too worried about being there. I didn't know it at the time, but I don't remember there being any debate about whether sleepovers were safe or not. Everyone has done them.
But times have changed.
The Great Pajama Party Debate
Sleepovers are a sensitive topic these days. It can end friendships and create hostility between family members. I've seen many parents get seriously upset about sleepover offers that the other parent turns down.
As with many other issues (even ones that seem as mundane as breastfeeding), once the discussion is brought to the internet, things can get very awkward quickly.
Even harder than saying no to your daughter is explaining why. How do you explain to an 8-year-old that your friend's house might not be safe? (It probably is, but how can you be sure?)
“It's my job to take care of you.”
“But if I know Alyssa’s mother, why can’t I go? You yourself said she was kind.”
“truth …”
What I teach my children:Kindness is not just a virtue, it's a survival tactic
Every perfect mom on the internet has the perfect answer, but I've always been an imperfect mom. As parents, we don't always know what to say or do. And when I do or say something important, I'm not necessarily sure I did that thing. right say or say something right Method.
Most days I'm sure I could have done better.
I was warned about all this doubt, all this worry. When her first daughter was born, her mother said, “Becoming a mother means carrying guilt for the rest of her life.'' I think this is what she meant.
My daughter does not understand the risks that I have known since being exposed to sexual abuse by a babysitter when I was 12 years old. My daughter doesn't know that I work as a lawyer and read case after case and bad law. About the law and child abuse. She does not know that most often it is those who are closest to us, those with whom we have intimate access, who violate our trust and physical integrity.
My daughter is a child. She still trusts people and believes in Santa Claus and magic. Even now, when the Tooth Fairy visits, money comes under her pillow.
Not knowing what to do, I talked to two friends about whether to stay or not, and they gave me two very different perspectives. One woman said her parents would never let her sleep over at her friend's house and wouldn't let her children have sleepovers either. She asked, “Why tempt the devil?”
Another friend said her daughter has been having sleepovers since she was 6 years old. She says, “She can't protect her from everything forever.”
But I want to.
My concerns about sleepovers are rooted in my own experience
What happened to me, and the field of law I jumped into after becoming a lawyer, is part of what fuels my fear that something will happen to my daughters.
What is “Epstein List”?And why you need to talk to your kids about consent
If we want to protect our children from something, it's violence, all kinds of violence, and the shame and fear and damage to self-esteem that haunts victims for years, sometimes decades, afterwards. A blow, and a terrible way to deal with it. A type of traumatic event.
Inevitably, what to do about sleepovers, like many parenting decisions, is highly personal. One of the things I've learned as a mom is that we're all trying to do our best, even if others don't think our best is our “best.” We make decisions based on our life experiences, values, and education and try to make the “right” choices.
Granted, if you're staying over, you can't control what happens in someone else's home, and that's a risk. It is also true that children cannot be protected forever from all harm. But who am I to decide the “right” answer in the great sleepover debate? I am an imperfect mother trying my best.
Carly Pearson is USA TODAY's digital editor and an attorney. She recently completed legal consulting work with Equality Now, an international feminist organization working to end sexual violence and discrimination against women and girls.
