Parents typically want their children to be resilient, able to bounce back from setbacks and meet challenges on their way to becoming successful adults.
“Tough love” isn’t necessarily the way to accomplish that, says child psychologist Tovah Klein, director of the Barnard College Center for Child Development and author of the recently published book “Raising Resilience.”
“One of the misconceptions is [about resilience] A lot of times it seems like tough love. “Let’s pick ourselves up and give this a go,” Klein told CNBC Make It. [approach]. “It may be difficult, but I’ll be here when it’s over.”
Tough-love parenting approaches are often associated with harsh punishment, and parents are more likely to ignore their child’s complaints most of the time. Psychologists say this can effectively prevent children from breaking rules, but taken to extremes can damage children’s self-esteem and ability to think for themselves.
The opposite approach, which tries to protect children from all negativity and disappointment, also doesn’t help build resilience, Klein says. kids need to By experiencing setbacks, she says, you can grow, learn how to deal with difficult moments, and develop the motivation to keep moving forward.
Instead, Klein says, parents who are supportive no matter what are most likely to give their children the mental strength and resilience to help them get through life’s most difficult moments. “It means, ‘I believe you’ll get through this, and no matter what the outcome is, whether you win, lose, or come along the way, I’ll be here for you. Masu.”
Another “misnomer” that Klein has noticed from some parents is the idea that resilience is an innate trait, when in reality it’s something parents can model and teach their children. , she says. In her book, Klein outlines the “Five Pillars of Resilience,” from encouraging emotional openness to cultivating a child’s ability to connect with others, to help parents maintain their child’s emotional well-being. It shows how we can support the development of strength.
For example, by asking your child regularly how they’re feeling and helping them understand that you love and support them even when they’re sad, angry, or not feeling their best, you can help your child feel better about themselves. It can help you learn how to control your emotions. That unconditional acceptance, Klein says, helps children build the confidence they need to bounce back as they grow older and become more independent.
But most simply, the best way to prepare your children for the challenges they will face in life is to provide them with a steady supply of love and support that instills in them the simple belief that: It’s about doing it, she says. . ”
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